At Least Meth Kills You Quickly

Drug addicts? Ha! What a joke. Their addiction creates a physical dependency. PLUS it’s ILLEGAL! If they get caught enough times they’re forced to fix it! They even receive money from the state in many circumstances!

Who the fuck needs drugs anyways? A drug is so temporary. Drugs don’t allow me to explore ancient caves during a raid with Twenty of my closest friends… online. Drugs don’t allow me to spend two whole months in a world I create from scratch, making TO SCALE replicas of Rivendale or even the USS Starship Enterprise (NCC-1701-D). Drugs don’t allow me to play a game based on life, where all I do is simulate the life I should be living anyways, and then rewards me by leveling my characters ability to paint!

You want to talk about real addiction? Gaming is where the hardcore addicts are. I’m not talking about your average gamers. The ones who can casually play hours of a game but also balance the rest of their lives. Fuck those guys. I’m talking about true life addicts. The pasty, socially inept gamers whose eyes have been ruined from years of sitting in the dark, staring at a monitor, forgetting to blink, for days on end. Our posture is some of the worst the world has ever seen. And we fuel our “benders” with sugar and caffeine. Have you seen what too much sugar does to a person over the years?

A heroine addict might over-dose. So what? At least the problem stops there. My pasty ass gets to look forward to a lonely life with the eventual onset of Type 2 diabetes. And the only thing that will make me feel any better is the moment I can escape from my own life and be a level 100 mage. And everyone wants me on their raids. IRL no one would want me on their team. No one would even talk to me. The constant discoloration of my shirts from all the salt that collects from my sweat should be enough to repulse anyone.

Have you ever seen a chubby heroine addict? I haven’t. And we all know from watching movies that people who do drugs get to FUCK A TON. I kissed a girl once in the 10th grade before my dickhead friend got me hooked on Duke Nukem 3D. Then it was Quake 2. Then of course Quake 3. Then Tribes. Then Everquest. Then the consoles actually got better. Then the list just grew faster and faster. New brands of my drug of choice popped up every other day. And there was no federal bureau to limit them or stop them. Before I knew it TWENTY years and about 120 lbs had gone by. And an unfathomable amount of sugar. And caffeine. And chips. So many chips. Not to mention THOUSANDS of bottles of lotion.

What do I have to show for it? No college degree. I work at Game Stop. I make $11 per hour. I don’t have health insurance. I’ve been passed over so many times for a promotion. I want to quit. But I won’t. Because how else am I going to be guaranteed pre-orders, discounts, and awesome fucking swag. I have a 7-foot tall cardboard cutout of Master Chief in my room. And I got it for free.

My dad thinks I’m pathetic. My mother thinks I’m gay. The closest thing to a girlfriend I have is LadyD34th_Str1k3. She lives in Racine, but she’s married IRL. Her husband doesn’t game. But I do. So I’m her boyfriend when she logs into the WoW server. Even if she said she’d leave him for me I couldn’t afford to buy a ticket to Racine, let alone a wedding ring.

Speaking of which, I’ve gotta go. She’s going to login any second and I want to be waiting for her when she spawns.