Fucking Cat Lady

In the year two thousand and twenty six my crew and I
rocketed out of the solar system, testing the first
Electromagnetic Drive. What we were wholly unaware of, and a
fact that researchers and engineers were acutely aware of, but
unwilling to inform us was that the E-Drive was potentially
capable of creating a warp bubble. As I’m sure you’re already
aware, the drive did indeed create a warp bubble around the
ship, thus allowing the contents inside to ignore the laws of
inertia, and space-time as well. This is a fact that we now
know for certain. We turned the drive off, checked the
constellations against our purported mission path in the
cosmos, and after several tense hours of confusion, stood
slack jawed, completely aghast, and in awe as we realized
that not only were we the first humans to ever leave the
solar system, but also the first to experience faster than light travel.

For the sake of brevity, Madame President, I will assure you
that the path back was difficult. We had never anticipated
traveling that far, therefore we had little in the way of an
idea of how to calculate a correct course back to Earth. We
became especially hopeless when Chief Science Officer Talman
calculated that three hundred and fifty years had already
passed on earth. We had no idea it was going to take us twice
as long to return home. But we knew that nothing would be the
same. However, we were not at all prepared for the vast
difference between the culture we left and the culture that
evolved here on earth.

I feel that it is at this point that I must point out to you
a series of events for which I and my crew were unaware, to
plead my case to you. Upon our exit from our solar system,
the notion of the “Great Extinction Level Event of the Second
Millennium” was completely foreign to us. Although you
rightfully pointed out that our generation, that is to say
the generation I and my crew were a part of, caused GLE2K, we
were among the few fighting to stop it’s occurrence. Also the
fact that we were no longer in communication with Earth
hindered us from being aware of societal and cultural taboos.
We were wholly unaware that the extinction of megafauna such
as elephants, antelope, and silverback gorilla caused grass and shrubs to
increase and the rate of soil compaction to decrease, thus
seeds and shelter becoming more easily available. We were
unaware that as a result predation of smaller species became
less prevalent, and therefore we could not know that the
number of rodents would grow exponentially as it did.
Therefore we could not have known that the higher incidence
of rodents increased the levels of pathogens, thus increasing
the risk of disease transmission among all life forms. All of
this is to say that I was unaware of the great plagues that
came about as a result of the carelessness of my generation.
We had no idea that in the one thousand years that would pass
between our departure and our arrival back to Earth, the
majority of large predatory animals would be replaced by
felines, thus quelling the dangers of rodent infestation.

Madame President, all of which I’ve said is not merely offered
in vain. I certainly do apologize for my choice of words upon
finding out that the sole survivors of GLE2K were cat owners.
I implore you to consider it truthfully when I promise you
that out of sheer culture shock I exclaimed “The president is
a fucking cat lady?”

At the very least I contend that my actions were my own and
ask that you release the rest of my crew. I should also point
out that Second Lieutenant Katherine Holgrem was known to be
a bit of a shut in, and she took with her several pictures of
her feline companions on the mission. Therefore I feel that
she should receive special consideration in the event you decide not to release the rest of the crew.

I thank you for taking the time to read this appeal.

Sincerely,

Commander J. T. Cannes