What She’s Really Thinking ;)

Women are so complicated! They say one thing, but what are they really thinking? Allow me to demystify some of that silly lady internal monologue for you:

“I am getting a salad not because I’m watching my weight but because I don’t know you that well and I know that this is an easy meal to eat, like actually easy to eat, meaning it’s less likely with this meal for food to get stuck in my mouth or get on my face, and also I won’t have anxiety about trying to eat enormous bites of food comfortably, because I don’t know what you’re like to dine with, like if you are one of those people that looks you dead in the eye the entire meal, even when it’s obvious you are having a food struggle like there is just too much pasta on your fork and it’s a never-ending bite, you might not be the type to politely look away and instead you’ll keep staring, maybe even at my mouth while it’s happening, and I don’t want you to solidify my fears that I am a disgusting slob, but seriously this salad looks delicious!”

“You know, I’d really rather not swim today because I have long-term and sometimes debilitating body issues that prevent me from occasionally living my life the way I want to, because even though I know you aren’t a judgmental person, I’m afraid you will judge the fat on my body and look at me in a way that is negative because society values one specific body type and there isn’t really an emotional place for people who don’t fit that type, and even if I work up the nerve to get out of this giant t-shirt I’m wearing to exist in a bathing suit, I’ll still likely spend a great deal of energy wondering how my body is looking in that exact moment as I’m always aware of how my body looks because I’m trained that way and I noticed there isn’t a giant surfboard around for me to carry like an emotional blanket so I think I’ll just sit in the shade today!”

“I suggested that exact idea last week and everyone in the room ignored me, and now you just suggested the very same idea and everyone is congratulating you on finally figuring out a solution to that huge problem and I am trying to muster a smile that looks human while simultaneously reading the faces of my peers to see if they are aware of the hypocrisy or if their lives are just that easy because sometimes I feel like it really would be strange to be a man in the workplace, not having to fight to be heard and automatically receiving trust and respect, the thought now making me angry, but we are still praising you so I have to keep my cool because it wouldn’t make sense to everyone why exactly I was feeling infuriating rage, but instead it might read as insecurity or pettiness, so I cheer and hooray with the rest of them, while clenching my hands into a fist so fierce my nails nearly tear through my skin, but seriously congratulations dude, you’re brilliant!”