Brian Williams and Jon Stewart
by Regis Boff
Brian Williams and Jon Stewart have bollixed up all my TV gambling.
I had called Bruce Jenner’s becoming a woman, but had her at a distant third place finish to George Stephopollas, on ABC Good Morning America, and Brian Williams on NBC. Both George and Brian were feminizing at a breathtaking pace. I still thought I could have won until Bruce caused a six-hundred car pile up in Malibu while texting a girlfriend about mascara proving she was the real deal. Brian, of course, has locked himself into manhood for the foreseeable future because no one would believe him if he declared himself a chick.
I got Jon Stewart right. I wagered he would quit and then challenge the most unaccomplished woman in recorded history, Hilary Clinton, for the Presidency.
The snag is that without Stewart explaining to the left on a daily basis why having no ideas is cool, neither one will carry the election and Lord know what will shuffle in their stead.
The smart money is on Al Sharpton, provided he pays his fifty years of back taxes, but I always lean toward the long shot. Apparently there are no women left, and Obama has filled the slots for Blacks and Muslins for a while.
There is nobody on the far, far left because they are too busy shoveling snow and grumbling about global warming to mount an authentic campaign.
Nearly everyone on the right is more qualified to run the government, but only if everyone keeps their babies, takes communion, and starves out the hungry. Oh yes, and brings back crucifixions on Fox news.
At this writing, I am combing through the names of sports figures seeking someone who would generate the best odds. The name Belichick keeps popping up.