What a time…

I can’t think of a better (or more frustrating time) to start writing here.

It’s something I’ve always wanted to do — share bits and pieces of my story to those who would be interested in reading.

“What is most personal, is most universal.” — Carl R. Rogers

I’ve been meeting with a counselor for just over a year and a half, diving into the question of who I am. It’s been something I have been wrestling with for the majority of my life. He has given this quote to me many times. I tend to be fearful of sharing my story, but what I have realized is that when I think no one can relate to what is going on, there is someone out there that is in a similar situation. Why hide my story? God created me to be in relationship, and if I hide ME, then how can I fully dive into the life I was created to live?

I grew up in a great home, with loving parents and a loving sister. I couldn’t ask for a better family. But, somewhere along the way, fear and shame took hold of my life and started ripping me to shreds, paving the way for anxiousness and doubt to become major players in my life. Needless to say, over this last year and a half, we have been doing some work to chip away at what has caused this and how to heal, grow and change. I am very thankful for this opportunity and the patience my counselor has shown. The process has not been easy, and within this timeframe, my life has taken many different turns.

I will continue to peel back the layers of the past 31 years of my life, but I figured I would start here and now…January 25, 2017, one day shy of the year anniversary of my life being turned upside down.

We are knee deep in the middle of the toughest stretch for a basketball coach. January is brutal. It’s long, games are packed in, and injuries start to pile up. Things sometimes simply don’t pan out the way they are “meant to be.” We’re in the middle of a stretch of games that are not going how I would like them to go. I am extremely competitive, I hate to lose, and I have very high expectations and standards. When we don’t reach them, it gets personal for me. We are 3–4 since Christmas, losing 3 games to teams to have had good success against in the past, and that just drives me crazy.

The problem isn’t in the wins and losses, it’s with the mindset. As I have spent time thinking about these games, I am realizing that I have not been the best coach I could be for my team. Instead of getting on them for mistakes (which I say is ok to make…), I need to be patient with them. We’re still young and learning how to play the game. Our second leading scorer went down earlier this month, and we’re still adjusting to that. My initial thought is that I need to reprimand them for their failure to reach “my” expectations, but what they need is someone to guide them. I have done all of this research on the positive mindset, what students need from their coach, but I can’t get past the fact that we aren’t doing what “I” want them to do.

We have one month to go. One month to continue our journey of growth and change. Our goal is to be playing our best basketball at tournament time (end of February). I have challenged them to dig deep into their heart and figure out what they want the final month to look like, and I must do the same. What type of coach do I want to be? One that looks at the mistakes, the failure to meet expectation and dwell on them? Or do I want to be the coach who meets them where they are and guides them to success. Win or lose, guiding them to compete with passion and heart is what we play for. It’s why I coach, for times like these where we can create moments, together.

— that felt good to get off my chest.

Until next time. Love well.

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