Julius Caesar agrees: No politician treated more unfairly than Trump

A week after President’s claim, persecuted politicians come to his defense

President Donald Trump told US Coast Guard at their commencement that, “No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.” Trump was so convinced of the absolute extreme uniqueness of his treatment that he provided surety[1] for his comment.

The fake liberal media laughed at that comment, accusing the President of overstating, once again. Wanting to remain objective, I actually interviewed several famous politicians who came to dire ends, curious to see if they agreed with the President’s assessment.

Julius Caesar assassinated by confidante Brutus. His last words were not, “You too, Brutus?” but “At least I wasn’t treated as bad as they’ll treat Donald Trump.” Painting: Karl Theodor von Piloty: Murder of Caesar (with Trump Mugging for Camera), 1865.

“No question about it,” Lucrezia Borgia told me. We met in her crypt for a late breakfast of worms and dirt. “For instance, Rome’s notizie falzo called me incestuous, and a murderer. They even reported that I carried poison in a giant ring. How ludicrous, it was a necklace that dangled between my bosom.” She pushed back the single remaining strand of hair on her sagging skull.

“But to accuse a man of firing the director of the FBI to stop an investigation? Comportamento irresponsabile! Loro possono vaffanculo a chi t’è morto!” I don’t speak Italian, but the way she gestured with her middle finger before it fell off suggested it wasn’t polite.

Abraham Lincoln, who only had time to comment before being whisked away to another second-rate high school history lesson, added his two cents: “I was shot in the back by a cowardly, hate-filled racist wrapping himself in the Confederate flag. But I got us into a war with the South. President Trump Tweets. It’s pretty unreasonable to persecute him for speaking his mind.”

Julias Caesar, remembered more by American school children for one scene in a Shakespeare play than for anything in his reign, spit on the floor of his tomb when I mentioned Trump’s allegation. “Everybody thinks my last words were, ‘Et tu Brute.” That was Trump. He held up his thumb for the artist in our portrait and Brutus mistook it for the sign to kill me. My real last words were to Trump.

“‘At least I wasn’t treated as bad as they’ll treat you,’ I told him and then I died. Trump was so proud he invented the phrase ‘Et tu Brute,’ which was shit Latin to be honest. Then Shakespeare used it in a play, and everyone thinks he coined the phrase. Trump was pissed.”

“it galls me,” Caesar added. “I conquered France, created a the calendar that you use today, saved Rome’s economy, rebuilt cities and united Roman territories. All people remember is that I ignored my wife’s advice. But look at Trump’s accomplishments. He got a vote through your House, a judge appointed by convincing your Senate to lower the bar, ordered someone to shoot some missiles, and tweeted more in a hundred days than most people tweet in a lifetime. How can I compete with that? And your fake news liberals give him no credit.”

Trump was so proud he invented the phrase ‘Et tu Brute,’ which was shit Latin to be honest. Then Shakespeare used it in a play, and everyone thinks he coined the phrase.

I asked if Trump’s treatment really rises above his own assassination. “Absolutely. My death wasn’t fake news. Trump had the right to fire that worm Comey and look how they raked him over the coals.”

Marie Antoinette agreed with Caesar. “I offered them cake and they took my head. But the American media persecutes Trump for such trivial things: conspiring with Putin, obstructing justice. That’s what a good leader does.”


[1]“Surety” is the process of putting up one’s own money or personal guarantee to secure a loan or concession. Coast Guard Graduates were surprised to discover, after the ceremony, that Trump will now be legally liable for their student loans. “I’m so grateful to the President,” said Seaman first class, Sidney Pruitt. “Personally, I thought he was a dick. But now that I know what ’surety’ means, I’ll be grateful when I need to skip my loan payments.”