Good news America!

R.E. Kuhlman
Nov 18, 2016 · 4 min read

We did it! And by God we really fucking did it. We can totally relax now. We shit the bed in a spectacular fashion and now can take a much needed vacation.

We are no longer the model nation that all free countries could look up to. Yes, I’m talking about Trump. But hey, this is a good thing people. We have had a lot of pressure on our shoulders, always trying to be the good student, the best child, the model citizen, who can’t screw up because everyone else is looking at us to set the example.

Well we got fucking tired of it. We were the young high school student, who always got A’s under the watchful eye of strict parents. As we got older and really started feeling our adolescence, our grades started to drop, because we just didn’t care as much and wanted to do something else anyway. We saw all the other countries around us, having fun and not being so worried about doing everything right. No pressure to hold the world on their backs. Well this inner restlessness continued, until that one fateful night. We went out to a party and said fuck it. We drank way too much, we made out with the ugly one, we danced shirtless on the table and at the end of it all, puked out brains out on the lawn.

photo by bayasaa

It’s been since about 1945. 71 Years. 71 Years of being the shining example of freedom and prosperity in the world. But that’s a long time, and a large burden to carry. We carried it a long time, and did the best we could.

The good news is that it’s all over. You can rest America. You earned it. Put down your burden, the world is no longer on your shoulders. Don’t have to do everything anymore. Don’t have to be the world police. Don’t have to worry about being the best country. That is gone and not coming back. Yes we had to basically burn the house down to get here, but here we are all the same. “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.”

Truth is, we weren’t doing as good as we bragged about the last 30–40 years anyway. Sure we had some periods of economic prosperity, but those bubbles burst and we haven’t truly recovered. Aside from that, we weren’t exactly leading the world down a path of peace and prosperity. We have been in too many wars and had our secret intelligence agents meddling in other countries affairs for far too long. Don’t forget, we are the ones who initially armed bin Laden. The civil war in Syria? Yep, we destabilized that country and that region in the 70’s and 80’s. What happened? Radical Islam gained more and more followers as we turned a once thriving region into the third world. Remember when Iraq was supposed to have weapons of mass destruction? We said we were the knight in shining armor. But we forgot to keep that armor clean, and over time it started to blacken from too much use. We tried to do good, at least good for ourselves and our Western friends and ideals, but in the end, it turns out we were just human, and we too could make mistakes.

But that’s why we can celebrate! Because we can kick off our shoes, put our feet up and stop trying to live up to this image of the perfect nation that we created for ourselves. The American Dream, the land of opportunity and all of that. It was real for a while, but it actually faded a long time ago. We kept telling the story all the same and hell, most of us believed it and many still do. It was a good marketing strategy. So good in fact, that millions of people immigrated here. Of course now we want to kick a lot of them out, but hey, we can change our minds right?

So I say, let’s celebrate our newfound freedom America. Let’s drink too much. Let’s throw our shoes and yell too loud. We have finally broken the illusion and can revel in our reality. It might be a bit scary, but it’s also liberating. Time to loosen up and let it all hang out. Take a good long nap and when we wake up, refreshed and revitalized, we can figure out something else to do with ourselves and our lives, with a fresh perspective and newfound freedom.

This election has shown just how imperfect we really are, but that’s just fine with me.

R.E. Kuhlman

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