Cats, Anxiety, and “Self-Improvement”
My anti-morning-routine, morning routine
Here’s what happened when I read “morning routine” articles tagged under “Self-Improvement” on Medium.
“Okay. So now I’ve got to figure out how to meditate for precisely 7 minutes. But should I do that before or after I take my cold shower? But I’m a night showerer…Fuck let me write this down.”
“Okay. So let me set this timer for 6:37…then 6:49…then 6:53…shit wait how many minutes is that”
“Okay. I have to do my bullet journal. Then I have to do my prayer (but is god even real?). Then I should probably say words of gratitude. Right.”
Do you hear this, dear reader? (My only reader might be my dad. If so, hey dad!) Do you hear all of the “should’s” and “have to’s” and “must’s” beneath those sentences? This is a chorus, a SYMPHONY, that rings from the tops of the Rigidity Mountains and reverberates through the Perfectionism Seas.
(In the distance: “the hills are alive…with the sound of…anxiety?)
At this time in my life, I was incredibly unhappy with where I was. I was a senior in high school, desperately trying to occupy myself while time ticked every so slowly until graduation. I thought that if I piled up on self-improvement techniques and strategies, I could somehow hurry myself away towards college — the promise of a better life.
Lies, bitch.
What I didn’t know was that all of these articles fueled my underlying anxiety condition, and it wouldn’t come to full fruition until midway into my freshman year of college.
What began as an effort to create an optimal morning routine turned into the following:
- Becoming obsessed with the idea of “optimization”. I began to structure my entire day around productivity. My daily outlook became “being productive” → “being as productive as possible” → “my success depends on being productive” → “my worth depends on being productive”. A very dangerous train, indeed.
- Internalization of the rigid and harsh tones of these “self-improvement” articles. Have you ever noticed that the authors take on a very commanding and didactic tone? They seem to be saying that their article contains THE answers. Any failure of a mourning routine is chalked up to laziness, lack of motivation, and other normal feelings that they indirectly criticize. There’s an element of pressure, hyper vigilance, and shame.
- Setting more rules for myself. A huge part of my anxiety disorder manifests as rule-making. Whether its the need to exercise every day (@myselflol), or follow a particular morning routine, these articles set off a habit of being overly structured in my planning and incredibly rigid in my self-talk. With these unyielding walls closing in on me, I began display more signs of an anxiety disorder.
So…having said all that…you might be wondering, what’s your morning routine like now?
Well. I don’t have a routine. But it usually goes like this:
- Wake up. Feel the mucus in my mouth that’s collected overnight. Feel grossed out. Thoughts: “need water” “need to pee” “ughhhhhhghgh”
- Drink water. Pee. Wash my face. Scrub my mouth and mucus away.
- Hug my boyfriend. Wrap him up in the koala-death-grip position. Also known as, “the tortilla wrapping the burrito”. Then I shower him with kisses.
- Feed my cat. He’s hangry.
- Say a nice thing to myself. “You’re already worthy, you don’t need to prove yourself.”
There you have it!
As for those “Self-Improvement” articles, there’s nothing wrong with them. But I cannot help wonder, why are we obsessed with optimization, structure, and productivity? Are we really going to let our industrialized society spill over into our souls like this? What are we truly searching for in these articles?
Perhaps its the need to grab onto certainty in a fundamentally uncertain world. Perhaps its the industrialized need for control. Perhaps its the way humans strive for continuous betterment.
I really don’t know. What do you think?
