‘Survivor’ can be a shitty word

I often hate the word ‘survivor’ because actually some parts of me didn’t survive. Some parts of me were destroyed or distorted beyond recognition by the way people treated me in my formative years. Some parts had to be hidden and I didn’t learn how to let them breathe again, and they died slowly.

I don’t feel like a warrior or a fighter. Learning how to turn off your feelings is not very empowering. Being painfully angry in a way that makes you ill and afraid is not empowering. Being avoidant of your own adulthood is not empowering. For years on and off I have barely existed. At times, other people have barely existed for me. I’d like my survival to be more than this.