I’ll send my condolence to fear.

I was not exactly want to do this.

Well, actually I want to, but it’s been 14 days after I changed my desk calendar into 2016. It’s too late, I think.

Then yesterday I found out Tobias’ entry that said, “I mostly write this for myself, so I can look back at it next year again — You might do the same.”

Write for myself, I murmured. He got the point there, the reason that I write is for myself and so I can review it back in next years.

This might be not bad, I thought.

Last January 2015 I wrote this on my instagram,

To be honest my 2016 wish was not really much different than previous one. 2014 was.. glorious experience. It was my first year working in ad agency and involved in creative industry that I always dreamed of. My biggest achievement during my twenty-five years life was marked there, I was be able to received my first national advertising award with the help of great mentor and team. Which I never thought before of course, that I could do something like receiving a national advertising award? a fresh born like me? and to be honest, I am still dumbfounded until now.

Because I always be that so-so girl.

Bad at math, good at arts. Lazy and unproductive. A Procrastinator.

I don’t exactly know how to find good deeds on my own because my world is always circled around me, and what I always found is myself that always need to be improved and still, it is always not enough.

You don’t work that harder. You don’t learn more. You’re basically stuck and the rest of the time are spent to gather your willing to start moving your butt on. 2015, just like my instagram said, it’s a huge battle for myself and the world.

2015 was the year of ups and downs.

I was at my lowest point.

In the last 2014, I planned to do something bigger in my life. I planned to take myself to the next dream I always want to have — to live overseas. I got my Letter of Acceptance in February and I couldn’t be grateful enough. Now I need to find scholarship and fund myself to live there, I said. But God seems to have another plan for me. I didn’t get the scholarship. I was furious and devastated. I was angry to myself, ‘What have I missed?’

and I just couldn’t find the answer. It’s just.. life happened to you. She’s passing you by with high speed car and suddenly you get hit, got thrown in the road, and no one will help you up unless yourself.

I talk to my family and many people. I write down the advantages and disadvantages. I pinned down every what ifs. I try to predict the future. But somehow, whatever you do, you just can’t predict it. You just can’t point out this is better for you and this is not. Because a lot of who knows? and why not? popped up in the midst of your thinking behind your unconsciousness, and it’s distracting; it gives you another option to just go. Which realistically, you should not go.

But I decided to follow the uncertainty and take a big leap in that year.

I decided to study overseas, without the scholarship.

Is it hard? Of course.

Life itself is tough and to jumped into this decision was sacrificing my five years amount of tears and threw it up into three months of breakdown and self-blaming. Don’t forget the sacrifices that my family made to support my ego too. It was unbelievable.

I learn to write. I forced myself to take a pen and write about anything almost every morning for 10–20 minutes just to make sure I don’t lose my grip. I talk to the other voice behind my back, because you’re the one who support me at least please help me with this okay you shit fuck why should I follow you. I want to blame someone, so I blame him — the voice behind my back. But he made me realised I’ve been laying down too long in the middle of road of Narnia with my salty tears. He told me that I have had this enough and it’s time for me to get up.

September 2015 I left my ad agency for good, packed my bags, and with my first one-way flight ticket, I flew to Tokyo.

My new chapter began here.

Hello Tokyo!

Tokyo has been the city that I want to live since my adolescence. Growing up so close with Japanese pop culture and music, Tokyo has always been something that come out from manga, something that is not real because the city was always in my comic, a real world based on a fiction of shoujo manga universe that you want to live in.

Live in Tokyo for these four months was indescribable.

Do I regret it for coming here?
Well, I admit that complained a lot in these four months.

I have to admit that this cross-culture experience gave me a nice hard slap in the face, exchange of saying welcome! to me as I first step into the city.

Live overseas (and in Tokyo specifically, when you have zero knowledge about the language) is never that easy. It is so far from travelling or hop on from another city to city wear your invisible tourist coat label above your shoulder. Experiencing culture shock, meet and exchange minds with other people from many other countries (not only Japanese), not being able to have a long verbal conversation with locals, they are giving me a hella big punch. Also, this is my first team being so long from home.

So yes, I got K.O-ed.

I thought I will be able to make it easily, I thought I will absorb things well, I thought I can learn something easy, but no. Learning something new is never easy.

It needs a lot empathy? (but to be honest, I still can’t grasp what empathy is)

It costs a lot of solitude, ink, and papers to deplete so I can have a grip on myself again. This is a leveled-up version of my last breakdown.

I said to myself, I have to survive. I have to give my best. But I seem to not reach that level of give my best. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but it’s more to the confusion of I have done many sacrifices so, am I doing the right thing? — I tried not to think about it but it gives me anxiety until I got sick in my first winter experience.

But life,

life is,

you just never know whether she was going to pick you up or slam you into pieces.

It comes so unpredictably, in unbelievable, uncomfortable way you might know, but on the right time. It always never stops me to make me dumbfounded — just like when I received my first award two years ago.

I got my scholarship a month after I arrived here. It’s not much, it’s not full either. But it gives me hope. It’s like a sign that I have to work harder to get the full one. A start command before the battle begins. The next two months was more surprising even. I got accepted in joint-program in Stanford University — in which this alway has s been my dream. My mom knows how I want to go to the States and this news is like free ice cream in forty celcius degrees heat. It is too good to be true.

Life is indeed a roller-coaster ride.
While 2014 was amazing year, 2015 was unpredictable.

I learned that despite that I’m on my way giving my best, I should prepare that this blue car will just appear from nowhere, either it will slams you and leave you alone or pick you up to somewhere you never know. I learned that I should always seek opportunities inside obscurities, and I have to remind myself every time that I am just a tiny dust of universe tears. Anything could happen to me.

Within these two years journey, I could say that I don’t have any forecast for 2016.

My target this year is not much different than previous one, but I have specific one target to pursue, which is keeping a journal. I realised that writing is one of the way of myself for not losing my grip. They said is a good way for tracking yourself or gathering creative insights for designer. I’ve been doing good in these two weeks, I hope I can make it a habit in 2016. I want to see how much I can improve.

Just like what Tobias’ wrote, “writing this piece helped me to digest & reflect everything that happened.” I hope while I’m reading this on January 2017 I can see much how I can grow and absorb every knowledge that I have for making a good tomorrow.

It’s only 14 days start in 2016, there are still 352 days I have to fight on. No one will know what comes tomorrow but I hope I can pass the days without any single regret.

I’m sending my condolences to fear.

I’m sending my condolence to feel.
I’m sending my condolence to inaugurate ease.
I’ll send my condolence to fear.
Benjamin Clementine — Condolence
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