I do not aim to be a good girl anymore. {Kai gogo is not so kai gogo.}
I started enjoying it when I sometimes do not make sense.
I can get embarrassed.
Some people do not like me.
Maybe I said something stupid.
Did I drink too much?
Maybe I sometimes need something or someone.
It’s okay. The black and the white.
I enjoy it.
Resist nothing.
The bigger the sun the bigger the shadow.
I am not just the good in me — I am also bad in me.
I could not become the prolonging of my family only in the good traits. They are me and I am them.
But only when I see it and accept it, I can move on and stop being the victim of what I try to hide so much — because that’s what’s really in the inside. And if I stop hiding it from myself, if I stop hiding it form others, that’s when I can be free.
Resist nothing.
I am too rational. (And sometimes too little.)
But I do not have to understand — the world, the motivations of others, the psychology behind other people’s motivations, and my own.
They just are.
And so am I.
And so are my parents who just did what they did the way they wanted, the way they are, the way they could.
The world won’t be different because we want to.
And the more we resist it, the more it attacks us and controls us.
Resist nothing.
The deeper I go, the more I understand the core. The solution. The thought behind:
It’s self-acceptance.
Self-compassion comes along.
And self-fulfillment is an amazing by-product: when we see and accept our desires, our needs, our wishes, and make them happen. Without a plan and without control.
Kindness is part of it — when I am in balance with myself, I get much more kind to others as well. But not because I should, but because I feel it’s right.
Resist nothing.
We do not control the world.
We do not control the way others will behave.
And we really try hard to *control* ourselves, to restrict ourselves, to suppress — our emotions, expressions, to suppress our soul; because what if it wouldn’t make sense.
But it doesn’t have to make sense.
We harm ourselves with this self-control.
If you won’t plan your summer holidays two years from now, you won’t have a good time?
Resist nothing.
We do not trust ourselves.
When we do trust ourselves, we relax. We stop controlling.
I thought that if I do not trust myself, I cannot trust others; but then I got to the understanding that I became very trusting to others, but I was very little trusting towards myself.
Resist nothing.
We go against ourselves and allow the world, to allow others to harm us. We sometimes do it ourselves — the drugs, the bad habits, the bad food, the bad people (or just ‘not-so-bad’ ones are also harmful because they influence you by their presence), the abusive behavior we ‘accept’.
We agree on it — because what we do not change, we approve.
If you do not change it, you choose it.
Resist nothing.
With our favorite ‘reality runaways’ (or call it addictions and excesses), we are hiding from ourselves our shadows; we are hiding the empty space somewhere deep there no one else than us can fulfill; we are hiding the desires, the wants, the pleasures because we should make sense and be serious and be adults and be responsible and be on time and be good humans, citizens, and parents and children.
We are hiding ourselves from ourselves. We have to allow ourselves things and control everything and have a schedule and alarm in the morning as if we couldn’t wake up without it — and sometimes we really do not wake up because we do not have what to wake up for.
And, if we do not have anything to wake up for — that means there’s some emptiness, some empty space we should fulfill, but we do not want to see it, we do not want to make the step there, to understand it, to perceive it, to embrace it; we compensate it with our favorite reality runaways, or we moderate ourselves and control ourselves to not get to the ‘other side’ either.
Resist nothing.
Socialize.
Do I enjoy more to be alone or with others more? And when do I need to recover? I think I prefer being alone. However, this preference drove me away from people. I was extremely satisfied with traveling alone around the countries and cities, meeting new people, trusting the world is an okay place, trusting myself that I can just make things work.
However, when coming back to the country with warm people, even with the warm adult people (yes, it exists), who socialize, share emotions, stories, play some weird honesty-based games at night, and order a taxi at 2 AM because it is far too late and feel happy to spend the time together without judgments, when I go to the bar and I do not feel the same or fear anymore of possibly getting drunk (and if so, so what? Can’t I? And the more I was resisting it, the more I wanted it, without being able to say ‘I am tired and I want to go home’). And I do not enjoy drinking anymore even for this runaway (can we do this socializing in this country without it, hm?).
I feel grateful to share, to get to know new people, I am much more interested in others, I look into their eyes (EYES!). I stare at them like we used to do as kids. I analyze how I feel around. I hug, I give a bisous, I accept some reunions and refuse others. I initiate them. I talk talk talk late at night, without caring about the time. And it just flows like a water and I love it. I feel as connected as ever.
Resist nothing.
I teach people to live because very few people do it. And I am damn scared I would not enjoy all this beautiful time here on the planet. But one day, I will have to go — and thus, I will go. But as long as I am standing, as I am walking, I want to breathe, I want to see, I want to smell and touch. I want to laugh and cry. I want to dance and sit and be shy and then expressive. I want to get applause and do big things. I want to make money from things I enjoy. I want to see the blue sky — to look at it — every day. I want to travel and run into the water when I will feel like it. I want to kiss and fall asleep late and hug someone. I really want to see and accept the bad in me and I want to celebrate much more all the good. Because it’s worth it and still, I underestimate my value so so so much. I say it out loud and it’s freeing. And now the tears are on my face when I write these lines and I feel a deep self-compassion and love. From myself.
Resist nothing.
I want to do big things because I can see everything is possible. Much more things are possible than we believe they are. It feels so much fun recently — I just think of what I’d love to achieve and yay, I say it out loud and people come and we make it happen like a miracle. And so now I make many things happen and all the irrelevant that doesn’t serve me, that doesn’t serve my purpose, just goes away. And I am free. Free from myself, from overthinking and excessive planning and over-control.
Resist nothing.
And the fears? What are they? What scares me?
Is it death? No, I cannot resist it. It will come. But then, I want to make sure I live every day fully not out of this fear, but out of joy and passion.
Is it that I lose control? Not anymore, because I understand I just cannot control anything. And the more I am much more at peace with myself, the less I feel any sort of feeling I should control anything. I exchanged it for trust and the expression of emotions — like the rage for the boundaries.
What other fears are here?
Maybe I am scared that yes. I will not fulfill my potential. But then, my potential is not connected to one particular goal, to one particular thing, one particular presentation, or the book. I make difference every day — not with pressure to make a difference. I just speak and write and talk to people and it happens. I make difference in the process, in the way I live. I make difference to others and to myself and I love it. And it’s the process, not the goal, or aim. I *became* the difference. I became the freedom I talk to — it is somewhere inside and the more I accept it, the more it is here.
Resist nothing.
I started saying what I want. Without feeling ashamed. First, I started saying it to myself. That’s a big step too. And then, to others, I also slowly do so. Step by step. On the way. As we all are and as we all figure things out.
How else can I make myself happy if I do not allow myself what I want? And why I should even *allow it*? I can just do the thing, without thinking about deserving anything.
What if I got spoiled?
Be it.
Resist nothing.
I feel the happiest I’ve ever been.
I feel myself.
I feel like being exactly on *my place*.
на своем месте
все возможно
все
громче
With love,
Sam
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*’kai gogo’ means a ‘good girl’ in Georgian
P.S. I wrote a nice article on wholeness here.
