The Hope Box

Renee Dominguez Reyes
Nov 2 · 3 min read

Have you ever had a mountain of questions you wanted to ask someone, but you just can’t seem to find the words, or you know how to ask them but you’re unsure if you want to hear the answer’s or worse, start an argument? Because I am terrified. But how can we prevent from falling into these emotions that have such a weight on our minds, on our bodies, and our souls or in my case what’s left of it. How many of us can truly answer this question? Let me answer this based on my experience, not many. Some are quick to say, “it’s easy not to give into these powerful emotions, just simply don’t allow someone into your heart.” But what if it’s not that easy, what if you try and safeguard your heart and yet they find that small little hidden crevice and now there they are, disarming what has been protecting your heart and instead of you removing them, you shine a light on what you have had locked away; your little quirks, the dark sides of you, and the most powerful and complex treasure you hold, your mind. Knowing all of this, how can we ever survive the slightest of heartbreak? In two words, We Don’t. We simply can’t avoid the aches of a broken heart or even a bruised one, because once we build that crush, it then transpires into hope. I don’t know about everyone else and what they chose to do with their hope, but with mine, I chose to put it in what I call a “hope box” where it’s a form of a safe haven to insert pictures of places I have hope to visit, goals I hope to accomplish, but most importantly, I have inserted a name I hope remains in my life and in a significant way. I know crazy right? What happens if that name in the box doesn’t share the same desires? What if you’re in the dark of what they hope for? I always believed or used to believe that my hope can be powerful enough to push through for the both of us, but maybe on this I may be over-reaching? My worst fear is to be your stand in. And incase you have no idea what I am talking about, a stand in, is the same as place holder, holding the place for someone who is better for you in all ways I am not. This is a fear most people have, maybe you don’t but I do. See I’ve been a stand in before, and it was the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced because it killed me because I will always have that fear that there is always something wrong with me. If you stopped liking me, I hope you would tell me, although I know it will hurt me to hear, but like you say “people will get over it and survive” but I am not like most people, once I let you in and show you all my scars and all the damage that I have been through that has been taped and glued back together, I can almost guarantee that I will think about this always.

Anyone can like the idea of security when they are with you. Anyone can like the title of saying they are with someone who does what you do. But not just anyone can like you just as much for who you are now and who you will grow to be, missing wire and all. You’re still perfect.

I can’t imagine having any ill-will towards you. Damn, I can’t even imagine wishing for misery to happen in your life cause all I hope for you to have is the best life filled with your accomplishments and happiness.

Even if it’s not with me.

But I hope it is…..

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