Parenting Styles: Know the Different Ways of Raising Kids (Ultimate Guide 2019)

21 min readJan 3, 2024

There’s nobody else in the world you love more than your child. That incredible moment when you first held your baby is indescribable. It felt like pure joy, love, and happiness.

Now your child has started to grow into his or her own personality. At the same time you are developing into your own parenting style based on your values, beliefs, and circumstances.

You might be facing challenging behaviors that come with this stage. Tantrums in public, back talking, defiance, whining, and sometimes even lying are some new ways they are behaving.

It’s starting to take its toll on you. You don’t know what to do. You feel helpless.

And sometimes, you do lose control and end up screaming at your child and end up spending the night tormented by guilt and regret over how you reacted so angrily.

Or you might just be wondering how you should respond to your child’s developing personality. You want to encourage them to be who they want to be, but you also want them to listen to your guidance.

Either way, you want to know how to parent the best way possible for your child’s wellbeing and without ‘losing it.’

The goal of this post is to discuss the different parenting styles and show you the different ways other parents raise their children. This post will also show you the effects of each parenting style on children.

This will help you determine the right parenting style you want to use on your children.

How does parenting styles affect child development?

Most people would agree that the home is ground zero for a child’s values and beliefs. It is in the home where they learn anything first.

You, as a parent, are your child’s first teacher and role model.

Your every word, every action, has an effect on your child. In fact, no other person or outside force has a greater influence on your child.

The way you raise your children, also called your parenting style, has a huge influence on their behavior today, tomorrow, and well into their future.

There is a strong link between a parent’s style and a child’s growth and development.

Research has shown that parenting styles accounted for the way children functioned socially and emotionally.

In fact, parenting styles can predict children’s wellbeing in academic performance, social skills, and even the level of problematic behavior they exhibit.

Parenting Styles — The Research

As a developmental Psychologist, Diana Baumrind studied how and why people change physically, socially, emotionally, and cognitively over the course of their life. She is best known for her research on the classification of parenting styles.

Baumrind’s research classified three styles of parenting: the permissive parent, the authoritarian parent, and the authoritative parent. Then studies by Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin expanded on Baumrind’s classification of the permissive parent which led to the fourth parenting style, the neglectful or uninvolved parent.

According to Baumrind, the four basic elements that could help shape successful parenting are responsiveness vs. unresponsiveness and demanding vs. undemanding.

Parental responsiveness is the degree to which a parent responds to his or her child’s needs in a supportive and accepting manner.

Parental demandingness are the set of rules that a parent places for their child’s behavior, the parent’s expectations of their child to abide by these rules, and consequences that are to happen when these rules are not followed.

What is the most effective parenting style?

Each parenting style has different effects on children.

It should be noted that it is hard to truly fit in one parenting style. You could view Baumrind’s four classification as a spectrum. You may lean more toward one style than the next. Rarely are parents strictly enforcing one style.

For instance, you may be a permissive parent on a normal day at home, but you may switch to a more authoritative style when you are in another setting with your child, like at a wedding reception or supermarket.

You may also switch to another parenting style when your child moves on to another stage in their life, like entering high school, to cater to the different kinds of demands at this new stage in your child’s life.

Therefore, there is not one correct answer to the question, “What is the most effective parenting style?” because it may differ depending on different variables.

However, research has shown that children with authoritative parents are most likely to grow up as responsible adults who are confident and unafraid to express their opinions.

Research has shown that children with authoritative parents are most likely to grow up as responsible adults who are confident and unafraid to express their opinions.

According to this, you might want to lean more toward being an authoritative parent on most days.

But by learning the effects of the different styles, you can change your style and still keep your family values and beliefs intact.

Authoritarian Parenting Style

The authoritarian parent is demanding toward the child but not responsive to his or her needs at all.

They’re likely to say, “Because I said so!” when the child asks why.

These parents respond to their child’s requests by saying, “Absolutely not! And you’ll be in big trouble if I even catch you doing it without my permission!”

Authoritarian parents want their children to behave according to a set of rules. Even their attitudes must conform to these rules as these rules are absolute and unquestionable.

These parents believe that obedience is a virtue. Obeying their rules is most important and disobedience must be punished

Authoritarian parents believe children should be punished when they disobey the rules.

These parents believe in keeping the child in his or her place and in restraining any display of independence.

They instill respect for work by persistent instruction and assigning household responsibilities.

Verbal give and take is discouraged because they believe children should accept their word as being right. For the authoritarian parent, it’s “my way or the highway,” without exception.

Effects of Authoritarian Parenting on Children

According to studies, children of authoritarian parents may display the following qualities:

Obedient at home or around their parents
Anxious, withdrawn, and have an unhappy disposition
Low self-esteem
Poor reactions to frustration such that girls tend to give up and boys become hostile
Tend to become aggressive under pressure.
Do well in school (may be comparable to children of authoritative parents)
Poor social skills

Authoritative Parenting Style

The authoritative parent is both responsive and demanding toward the child.

These parents might say, “No, you can’t do that right now. However, when you are done with all your homework and chores, you can go ahead and do it.”

Opposite to authoritarian parents, authoritative parents encourage discussion or a verbal give and take. They explain to the child the reasoning behind their rules.

Authoritative parents encourage discussion or a verbal give and take. They explain to the child the reasoning behind their rules.

These parents respect the child’s self-will and independence. At the same time, they value obedience. Therefore, they stand firm and keep control at times of disagreement with the child. But they also do not put rigid restrictions on them.

In other words, they enforce rules and impose consequences, making it clear they are in charge, but they will also validate the child’s feelings.

Although authoritative parents enforce their adult point of view, they also recognize the child’s uniqueness and individual interests.

Effects of Authoritative Parenting on Children

According to studies, children of authoritative parents may display the following qualities:

Lively, happy, and successful
High self-confidence about their ability to master different tasks
Have control over how they regulate their emotions
Developed social skills
The boys show sensitivity traits and girls show independence traits
Make good decisions and evaluate safety risks by themselves
Most likely become responsible adults who are comfortable expressing their opinions

Permissive Parenting Style

The permissive parent is responsive to the child’s needs and is not demanding at all.

This parent would say to his or her child, “Sure! Go have fun but be careful.”

This type of parent is mostly concerned with their child’s happiness and care less about disciplining them. They don’t believe in punishments, and they are mostly accepting and give in to their child’s desires, impulses, and behaviors.

These parents don’t take charge when it comes to making family rules. Instead, consults with the child for understanding of such rules.

Permissive parents don’t take charge when it comes to making family rules. Instead, they consult with the child for understanding of such rules.

Permissive parents don’t really demand that the children behave themselves nor share in the household chores.

It is important for these parents to let their child know that they are there for them for anything. They are prepared to support their children for things they need. But, they don’t expect to act as a role model and don’t feel responsible for shaping their child’s behavior. In other words, they don’t particularly feel they need to prepare their child for the “real world.”

They don’t control their children’s activities and lets them do what they want to do. They also do not expect their children to conform with society’s standards.

Effects of Permissive Parenting on Children

According to studies, children of permissive parents may display the following qualities:

Have poor regulation of their emotions (under regulated)
Rebellious and defiant when their desires are not met or questioned
Easily give up when faced with challenging tasks
May display antisocial behaviors

Uninvolved Parenting Style

The uninvolved parent is neither responsive nor demanding. Sometimes, this style is referred to as neglectful parenting.

They’re likely to answer, “Whatever,” when a child asks for something.

Uninvolved parents have little or no rules at all. Hence, there are few demands. And they hardly respond to their child’s needs.

They mostly provide for the children’s basic needs such as food and a house to live in, but they generally do not care to be involved in their children’s lives, or their growth and development.

Uninvolved parents have little or no rules at all, and hardly respond to their child’s needs.

They don’t care to provide guidance, or structure, or rules, or even emotional support. They expect their children to raise themselves.

Some parents who have mental health issues become uninvolved parents unintentionally.

Others simply lack knowledge about raising children and about child development.

And there are also other parents who are just too overwhelmed with many things, like work and keeping the household, that they end up becoming uninvolved parents.

Effects of Uninvolved Parenting on Children

According to studies, children of uninvolved parents may display the following qualities:

Struggle with self-esteem issues
Usually perform poorly in school
Exhibit behavior problems in or outside of school frequently
Unhappy most of the time

Other Parenting Styles

More and more new names for parenting styles have become known over the years. However, most of them still fall under the spectrum of Baumrind’s and Maccoby & Martin’s parenting typology.

For example, attachment parenting is a parenting style that falls under permissive parenting style in that it is very high in parent responsiveness. However, demandingness is not very high. In fact, it is high in un-demandingness.

“Helicopter parenting” is a form of the authoritative style but with over-involvement in the child’s life. It is very high in parent responsiveness and also very high in demandingness.

“Free range parenting” falls somewhat between permissive and uninvolved, although it leans more toward permissive because there is more responsiveness than the uninvolved parent.

The following are other styles, some of which may be classified within the spectrum of the four main parenting styles by Baumrind and Maccoby & Martin.

Attachment Parenting

American Pediatrician William Sears conceived the term Attachment Parenting. It is a parenting style based on the Attachment Theory created by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, which focuses on the attachment of parents and children.

This parenting style fall under being high in responsiveness and high in un-demandingness in Baumrind’s parenting typology.

What is Attachment Parenting?

Attachment parenting aims to nurture the connection between parent and child through the parent’s greatest possible responsiveness to the child’s needs.

Sometimes called ‘intensive mothering,’ the parent responds very quickly to the child’s every demand, at any time. Often, the baby doesn’t cry for long periods of time because the parent immediately soothes the baby with milk or cuddling, or whatever that would soothe the baby and stop the crying.

It is also described as ‘child-centered’ because the parents are attuned to the cues of their babies all the time. By doing so, they provide that feeling of security for the baby that is so important from an attachment theory’s point of view.

Attachment parenting style emphasizes the need for physical closeness, like touching and comforting, as very important in the baby’s first months of life.

The 4 key components of attachment parenting in caring for infants are:

Co-sleeping — Infants usually sleep in the same room or even in the same bed (with appropriate safety precautions in place). Usually, the parent’s bedtime schedule follow the baby’s bedtime schedule.
Feeding on demand — The baby sets the timing of feeding, as well as self-weaning, through various cues.
Holding and touching — Attachment parents keep their babies physically close through cradling or cuddling. Usually a baby body carrier is preferred over a stroller when going out.
Responsiveness to crying — Attachment parents never let their child “cry it out.” Instead, they react to crying as soon as possible, most of the time very early in the crying bout before it gets out of control.

There are strong advocates as well as strong critics to attachment parenting.

Critics argue that extreme responsiveness just spoils the child. Advocates argue the wide range of benefits attachment parenting provides for the baby, the parent, and the whole family.

Effects of Attachment Parenting on Children

Studies show that attachment parenting babies exhibit the following qualities:

Lower stress levels
Cry less often
Feel more connected to other people as they get older; learns intimacy
Grow up to be more empathetic
Learns language more easily
Establishes healthy independence
More trusting

Helicopter Parenting / Overparenting

This parenting style is called helicopter parenting because, like a helicopter, the parents hover over their child very closely.

They take on more responsibility than their child for their child’s own behaviors, choices, successes, and failures. For example, they do their child’s homework or project, they choose with whom their child makes friends, or they decide what activities their child must pursue.

Helicopter parents do their child’s homework or project, they choose with whom their child makes friends with, they decide what activities their child must pursue.

They constantly intervene to avoid failure in any aspect of their child’s life. They desire a perfect life for their child, with no heartaches and no rejections.

Effects of Helicopter Parenting on Children

These children have an easy life with everything handed to them and decided for them. They may develop increased emotions of love and acceptance, and they may have more opportunities to excel. However, this parenting style cultivates over-reliance on the parents that eventually results in incapable adults.

The following are some of the effects of helicopter parenting on children:

Even though the parents feel they are ready to let go of their child after college, they find that without them to remind or encourage or direct, their child has no clue how to go on their own.
Children of helicopter parents rarely made their own mistakes nor have they learned to recover from failure. As adults, they struggle with self-sufficiency and are unable to pick themselves up through setbacks. They have immature coping skills.
They give up easily. They only dabble in things they want to pursue; never following through. Professional pursuits are usually just casual or superficial.
It’s hard for them to develop in-depth relationships with other people due to low self-esteem and confidence.
Statistical studies show that helicopter parenting is associated with over engagement in risky behaviors such as smoking and drinking.

Modern technology, like cell phones, have only encouraged this parenting style. The cell phones have made it easier for helicopter parents to stay connected with their children and know what they are doing, where they are going, and whom they are with all the time.

Why do some parents believe in helicopter parenting?

With all the negative effects on children, why do parents do it? Is there anything good with helicopter parenting?

There is no scientific study done to find the answer. However, I did find out, on many forums and groups online, that most helicopter parents don’t know or don’t think they are helicopter parents.

But they do it because they want the best for their children.

Most helicopter parents don’t know or don’t think they are helicopter parents. They use this parenting style because they truly believe they are doing what is best for their children.

For instance, helicopter parents may believe it is best for their child to master the violin. They make sure the child learns and practices until mastery of the craft. Almost nothing else matters to the parents.

Mastering the art of playing the violin is a very admirable skill, indeed. However, there are other important things to consider; for instance, whether or not the child actually likes to play the violin. Helicopter parents do not consider this at all. They truly believe in their hearts that what they are doing is what’s best for their child.

Most helicopter parents only have their children’s best interest at heart, as well as the pure desire to protect their child from the dangers of the world in general.

Free-Range Parenting

Popularized by pediatrician Benjamin Spock, free-range parenting is somewhat the opposite of helicopter parenting. The aim is to foster independence in children by giving them more autonomy and less adult supervision.

American journalist Lenore Skenazy is a proponent of free-range parenting. She let her 9 year old child ride the New York City subway system and wrote about the experience. With a mixture of praise and accusations, it gave attention to this parenting style.

Free-range parenting is about encouraging the child to function as independently as possible. There is limited parental supervision.

Free-range parenting style encourages children to function as independently as possible. There is limited parental supervision.

It’s also sometimes called “hands off” parenting.

And it’s scary for a lot of parents.

Free-Range Parenting Doesn’t Mean Anything Goes!

In defense to this parenting style, it’s not entirely hands off because the parents make sure that the activities their children engage in on their own are appropriate for their age and skill level.

This is why this is not the same as the uninvolved parent.

A free-range parent might ask questions like the following before allowing unsupervised adventures:

Is my child able to do this?
Does she have the disposition to handle the activity?
Does she know what to do in case of a problem?
Does she know whom and how to ask for help in case of a problem?

Lenore Skenazy didn’t just let her child take the subway without knowing that her child can handle it. In fact, she made sure her child understood the subway system, that her child was prepared for it, and that he knew what to do in case of a problem.

Free-range parenting is not completely permissive and it is not uninvolved parenting. It’s not really hands-off and it doesn’t mean anything goes.

Free Range Parenting and the Law

If you are interested in the free-range parenting style, you need to know the laws in the state you live in regarding the age at which kids can be left alone unattended. It differs from state to state.

In 2018, Utah’s governor signed a law that stated that it is not a crime for parents to let their kids play unsupervised in a park, or walk alone from school to go home. It was a big deal for free range parents, and it was a first of its kind in the nation.

Check your state’s laws first before leaving your child unsupervised.

Effects of Free-Range Parenting on Children

Children of this parenting style learn to be independent and manage themselves. They are more prepared to deal with different situations without breaking down and having to call on their parents to solve their problems all the time.

They could handle mistakes better, and be more resilient.

Since they are given more freedom, they are free to be creative and explore leading to happier kids and consequently, happier adults.

However, critics of free range parenting argue that the children may be learning independence while risking their safety.

Positive Parenting

This parenting style, also known as Positive Discipline parenting, is based on the work of the Psychiatrists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, and then refined and popularized by Dr. Jane Nelsen in her series of books.

Is it based on the assumption that children are born good, that there are no bad children, just good and bad or misguided behaviors.

Children learn by mimicking others, and in their formative years, their parents. Many misguided behaviors are actually just the children mimicking what they have already seen.

So when a parent yells to get a child to behave a certain way, the child learns to do the same. The opposite of this is true. When a parent is kind and respectful despite being frustrated or upset, the child learns to be composed and respectful during difficult times.

Positive parenting uses positive instructions and emphasizes respect between parent and child. It focuses on learning instead of punishments.

It relies on the results of studies that show that using positive discipline gives way to better behavior, emotional growth, mental health, and academic performance.

Studies show that positive discipline parenting give way to better behavior, emotional growth, mental health, and academic performance.

This style falls somewhere in Baumrind’s authoritative parenting style, with an extra dose of positivity.

Dr. Jane Nelsen modified Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles as follows:

Positive parenting utilizes long-term parenting — the kind and firm parenting style.

The following are some techniques used in positive discipline according to Dr. Jane Nelsen in her book entitled Positive Discipline.

Positive Discipline Techniques

Create clear rules that are fair. These rules must be followed by both the parent (or teacher) and child. For example, both parent and child must put in a dollar into the “bad words jar” every time parent or child says a bad word.
Understand child development and age-appropriate behavior. Recognize that children have different developmental abilities depending on their age.
Positive discipline theory believes that children misbehave because of a need that is not being met. Therefore, when a child misbehaves, it is suggested that parents focus on the unmet need rather than the behavior itself for better results.
In other words, parents are to focus on the reason behind the misbehavior, not the misbehavior itself.
Being kind and firm is the cornerstone of positive parenting.
Remember that children mimic the behavior of others, most especially their primary care providers, which is often the parents.
If you get frustrated easily and yell all the time, your child will also get easily stressed out and react by yelling as well. If you are kind even at stressful times, your child will learn to regulate emotions, be calm, be receptive to reasoning, and more likely to cooperate.
According to Dr. Jane Nelsen, punitive punishments don’t stop bad behavior and also don’t teach good behavior.
She said it results in the Four R’s in children — Resentment, Rebellion, Revenge and Retreat — which do not help them learn.
A better response is one that is positive and non-punitive. For instance, pulling a child away from the stimulus that created the misbehavior is a good non-punitive way to calm the child down. A “time out” is also another good way to take the child away from the cause of the misbehavior and gives the child a safe place to calm down.
Redirect negative behavior. For example, when a child starts to become impatient and frustrated at the supermarket, redirect his attention to something he can be creative with. Perhaps the child can help pick out the fruits to buy.

Effects of Positive Parenting on Children

Children feel a sense of connection, belonging and significance.
They become confident and thrive as adults.
They learn important social and life skills, such as respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.
They learn the constructive use of personal power and autonomy.

What is Tough Love parenting?

Some people claim “Tough Love” parenting is the same as authoritative parenting — parents are responsive and demanding.

But, there are psychologists who claim that “tough love” parenting is more of an authoritarian parenting approach with its high demands and low responsiveness.

Regardless, “tough love” parenting is usually characterized by harsh punishments with very little nurturing guidance.

Tough love parenting is characterized by harsh punishments with very little nurturing guidance.

The idea behind this parenting style is that children who get everything easily in life usually don’t succeed in life; that you are actually handicapping your child by making their lives easy.

Therefore, these parents think that by being “tough,” they are actually helping their kids be ready to deal with life in the future.

Why does authoritative parenting work?

As already mentioned above, numerous research has shown that children with authoritative parents are most likely to grow up as responsible adults who are confident and unafraid to express their opinions.

Why?

…because children are likely to obey and understand rules that seem fair and reasonable for them. They are unlikely to comply and internalize rules set by the parents that are arbitrary and unjustified.

…because nurturing parents model caring, confidence, and self-controlled behavior. Children modeling these parents grow up with the skills to regulate emotions, empathy, and social understanding.

… because parents who are warm and caring and maintain reasonable control at the same time are more effective in reinforcing good behavior. They praise their children for positive behavior and show disapproval when expectations aren’t met. This works for children when its coming from adults they respect and who have been warm and caring toward them.

…because when parents’ demands fit with the children’s ability to take responsibility for their actions, children learn they are competent individuals who are capable of doing things successfully for themselves. They develop high self-esteem, enhanced cognitive development, and emotional maturity.

These are qualities of authoritative parents and for many years, many studies have consistently linked the authoritative parenting style to the most positive outcomes in a child’s growth and development.

How can I be a better parent?

You might find it helpful to reflect on where you fit on the spectrum of parenting styles. Identify your values and recognize which parenting style best suits these values.

Know that you don’t have to strictly stick to one style. Perhaps you can dabble on another style and see if there are any changes on your child’s behavior.

Participating in a parenting class can encourage self-reflection on our own style and other’s parenting style. This self-reflection may result in new ideas that you might want to try when tackling challenging behaviors. Taking parenting classes can open your eyes on different ways you can be a better parent.

Parenting Styles Quiz — What’s Your Style?

Do you want to know your style?

The website PsychCentral has a quiz that is designed to help you understand your parenting style. According to the website, it takes most people only about 4 minutes to complete the quiz.

Take the quiz on their website.

So, now what?

Perhaps, more than any other factor, being uninformed is why you lose control when dealing with your child’s challenging behavior.

It seems like you just don’t know what else to do. But that isn’t necessarily true.

You deserve to feel in control when your child misbehaves. You deserve to have a plan, a way, so you don’t end up feeling frustrated or anxious and react so angrily.

It’s time to put your new knowledge into action. You’ve learned the different parenting styles and how each one affects a child’s growth and development.

Look for new opportunities to test what you’ve learned. Remember, you are definitely not alone, so put yourself into situations where you can talk with other parents about their parenting styles and how it is affecting their children.

Imagine…

Buckling your toddler into her car seat without a fight.
Noticing temper tantrums going from being 2 hours in length to 2 minutes, and eventually disappearing completely.
Seeing your dishwasher empty because your kids put away the clean dishes without even being asked.
Your house is very quiet because all the kids are in bed, and it’s only 8:30.
Going to bed feeling like a great mom or dad every single day.
No screaming or yelling at all, and seeing only laughter and happy smiles.

It may sound too good to be true. But these are real examples from real parents who have done self-reflection and identified the suitable parenting style for their families.