At crossroad with my age 36
I’m a Chinese woman age 36, going to be 37 next month soon. I’m 100% Chinese, now living in the most expensive city in China. You know, Shanghai. I’m Single, Sexy , Natural Look without any plastic surgery done, but still kind of good looking. Most of time people can’t guess my real age, they usually guess me 28,29 something, or 32, 34. I’m lucky that I look younger than my actual age. I divorced 7 years ago, never had a single kid.
I’m a talented person (I teach yoga; sometimes do interpret for seminars; I can also teach piano, actually I did teaching piano when I was twenty something; also I am good at writing, of course I mean writing in Chinese, I had couple of times published my articles on newspaper or magazine), I have charming voice(I was a Jazz singer when I was younger, and also won some rewards of singing competitions back then).
Couple of years ago, I considered myself not good at cooking. but now I cook very delicious food. but so what? I cook only for myself most of the time.
I don’t over describe myself here, whatever about my appearance or my talent. But somehow I get stuck with myself. Seems I can do many interesting things, and I can have many options to do as my career and make good money, or I can have lots of opportunities to have some nice guy to hang out with.
But the truth is, I can’t find motivation for my life. Technically I’m at my middle age crisis period, but I have to say, I think the biggest crisis that I already had it to happen when I was around 30. I divorced my ex 7 years ago, and then started the journey of personal growth. I went to India twice, to seek for the truth of life and love. and I got big gifts that I could write an entire book to tell you. I also started another relationship with the whole process was a big big drama in my life.
I went to Europe, mostly Italy, cuz the ex-bf was a Italian. and then France to study some kind of different yoga. and then went to US just for yoga and sight-seeing. as you can see, I spent most of my life-time and money on discovering life and the world. I never did any material investment for my life.
So now I’m here, wanting to ground myself in Shanghai, but find out I just can’t ground myself so easily.
Some people might say, oh you need to fix your relationship with your father and mother, then you can fix all your issues easily.
yes, I had horrible relationship with my parents many years ago. but now, we are like best buddies, we can talk a lot of things, and supporting each other, and easily express love and care to each other.
I just still don’t find my biggest passion for my life. and I’m still looking for it. I also feel frustrated that, it is so difficult for me to pick just one thing to focus on. I can learn things very fast (I mean something I am interested in), and get the main point so quickly, but I just can’t only focus on one particular thing and concentrate on it. If I feel bored, it’s killing me.
and here now comes the most awkward situation, I’m facing on my financial crisis.
But I’m not panic, or depressed. I’m still watching everything going in my life. I believe as long as I don’t feel passion or motivation, that means I haven’t found the thing I really want to do. and I also believe, whatever happen to me, it happen for my own good.
when I think back most of the time in my life that really makes me happy and passionate, is when I prepare coffee or delicious food for myself, and turn on music, light a candle, and doing writing, or my online broadcast.
Maybe I really should open my own cafe with yoga and personal growth as its theme.
After all I have to say, at this moment that I feel I have no orientation for my life, that’s all because of after I achieved my earlier life goals, I didn’t make new goals. Cuz when I really carefully think back all the way I have been through, actually I did a big job. I was a music teacher at a primary school in a small town, with a college degree, dreaming about living a life in big city and travel around the world and study abroad. at that moment this dream seemed so incredibly not practical for me, or impossible to achieve. cuz my family is just like any other normal families, not rich, no power and position. But somehow I made it.
Now it is time for me to paint my future life.
I wanna constantly travel around the world, with a settled and successful business which involved with coffee, yoga, personal growth, of course good music, some cats, and good food… I will open one this kind of cafe or studio in shanghai, one in my hometown, and one in NYC. why NYC? cuz I love NYC. after I traveled there, I was totally obsessed by this city. so my plan is before my 60, I would love to live in Shanghai and New York the same time. and of course having my own business and my own family. maybe until 65, I would still love to be in this kind of crowded big cities, with its own style. and I wanna bring the best of the world back to my hometown either. although my hometown now is a beautiful small city, kind of rich, but still lack of culture and good understandings about what life and world are.
I’m happy that I finally make it clear to me. and now I am working on it. let’s see the magic of God’s grace.
I’m always so thankful for whatever happened, or are coming to me. I am a lucky and incredible creature with lots of talent and creativity.
People used to think that you should be certain role at certain age, but I realize it is always the first priority that I first find the true me internally. Most of people are occupied by the external world issues, they are too busy of dealing with different issues that they think themselves are the things they are dealing with. and so this creates challenges or even pains in their life. I’m grateful for I am now having time to deal with myself, to find the true self inside of me so that whatever I meet in future, I know who I am and what I should be.
Love, love, love.