Not a love letter

3rd of June, 2014

8:10 in the morning

To the one I love,

It has been my desire to write a love letter to someone close to my heart so I thought of creating one to somehow defy clichés. But this is not a message of how much I love you and am willing to fight for you, for us. Rather, here I’ll let you know the things that give a steady pain in my heart. And just like painkillers, I wish this self-inflicted pain (I guess?) finds its antidote in whatever you think is one. So,

Today, I took the time to gather the broken pieces of trust and confidence that I myself ruined. Don’t get me wrong but this only mirrors my openness to what I feel, something that yields nothing to my pride but somewhat builds hurt in my veins. Because now I’ve learned that love dismantles a wall of self-inflicted pain. So here it is. To be honest, every time you open the doors of your past or I ask you to, in my heart a door has also emerged- the door of doubts, of confusions, and of collided self-esteem. I know it’s absolutely unhealthy to entertain such feeling or even welcome thoughts that give birth to this state, state I have been fighting since the day we fell in love with each other. Truth be told, it’s a never ending struggle and it’s like I am holding on to a vessel of faith and trust when the vast ocean of negativity tries to devour me- all giving me reasons to quit. And just like the seeds we plant and weeks after, these feelings sprout questions that need answers. For days, I doubt if you really love me for who I really am- my being not that good-looking as compared to your pasts, my tummy that resembles a number of watermelons combined together, and et cetera (Sorry, I had to end it because it hurts me to remember such imperfections and insecurities, lol-ing.) Do you love me because you see pieces of your pasts in my being? Like there are times when I thought that the things you want to do with me are the same stuffs you had together with your pasts-perhaps an unconscious process of revisiting the good old times, the beautiful moments of your life with the people you once loved- which in return I presume is something that gives me fear of relapse and regression- both of previous romance and demoralizing regrets. And when your lips meet mine, I wonder if it is I you have in that beautiful mind or do you have someone else in thoughts? To be true, I have had my fair share of that as well but I choose to create new memories- to bring you to a kind of life away from your past, away from your fears. So, I want to know what made you love someone like me- not most people find ideal and lovely…and what sustains you to keep this love? I’m sorry if I am like this, my heart longs for security from yours.

PS. Please don’t doubt my love for you because 1) You are lovable in your most nature 2) It’s my first time to write a love letter and I don’t make one to someone I am not in love with 3) I can’t unlearn loving you if it makes any sense in essence.

And hey, you can’t return the words I said before this.

Deeply in love with you,

The one who loves you the most