What Bravery Means in Space: My Conversation with Astronaut Christina H. Koch

Skyping in with Christina H. Koch.

Since the release of my book, I’ve spoken to thousands of women and girls from all over about perfection and bravery — moms, teens, girls in my programs at Girls Who Code, college students, you name it. Over and over, it’s the same conversation about how we only do the things we excel at, don’t always speak up for ourselves, and let fear of failure hold us back.

But never in a million years did I think I’d be talking to an astronaut about bravery, fear of failure, even imposter syndrome. I mean, astronauts are just about the bravest people there are right? They’re not scared of anything, right? Wrong.

I know because I recently had the amazing experience of doing a one-on-one video call with astronaut Christina Koch. She had read my book, Brave Not Perfect, and wanted to talk to me about it and my work with Girls Who Code… while aboard the International Space Station. It was an amazing conversation and I’m so grateful for her candor. Here’s what I learned:

1. First, even in space — it’s all about practicing small acts of bravery

“You’ll just have stuff float away on you and you won’t even notice it and you’re grabbing it and you look like an idiot and you’re free floating yourself and your butt is in front of the camera.”

I always talk about performing small acts of bravery — sending an email with a typo, picking up a new hobby — to build up our bravery muscles. Guess what? Astronauts have to practice small acts of bravery too.

Living on the International Space Station, Christina said, is like living in a fishbowl. People back on Earth at NASA are constantly watching you. That means getting comfortable with making mistakes on camera, like losing things to gravity. So even though astronauts do things that are classic definitions of brave it’s still possible to not feel brave in other ways, or to feel the pressure of needing to be perfect.

2. Second, people pleasing is overrated

When I was writing Brave, Not Perfect, I spent a lot of time thinking about how women are socialized to be people-pleasers. It struck me as so important that I dedicated a whole chapter to it. We worry about being liked. We don’t want to seem rude. We go so far as to shrink ourselves in order to avoid conflict.

What does that mean in space? Yes, Christina told me, part of being an astronaut is going through flight school and learning to spacewalk…but it’s also about collaborating and addressing conflict and saying what you think. You are, after all, living really close quarters with very few people for a very long time. Like she said, astronauts don’t have the option of not getting along and not operating efficiently. It takes a certain level of bravery to stop worrying about pleasing everyone else and put yourself first. But in the end, it’s better for everyone.

3. Third, we can all beat imposter syndrome using these five words

When we got on the phone, I mentioned that earlier that day I’d been talking to Secretary Hillary Clinton who was so interested (and maybe a little jealous?!) to hear that I was going to meet Christina. And Christina, the woman who holds the record for the longest space mission for a woman and was a part of the first all-female spacewalk, was surprised to hear it! It was like she couldn’t believe that Secretary Clinton knew her name.

So we started to unpack the imposter syndrome that so many girls and women face — especially in STEM. I asked her what helped when she felt that nagging question of “do I belong here?” coming on. And she said she would just tell herself, “these people think I’m awesome.” I loved that. Like Christina said, it’s a slightly more “pointed and surgical” than just telling yourself “I’m awesome.” These people, all around me, looking at me, watching me, they think I’m awesome. They think I’m brave, and so that must be true.

Showing Walter and Shaan the space station.

I’ll be honest, I never expected someone to hear that someone like Christina would struggle with bravery, imposter syndrome, being comfortable with failure. And the more I think about it, the more I realize bravery can feel like rocket science. It’s hard to grasp, we aspire to practice it, and we look up to those who do. But once you get it, there’s nothing stopping you. It’s freeing. And women like Christina show us that we can all get there, even if we fail along the way.

When it was time to wrap up, I brought my son Shaan and his friend Walter in so Christina could give them a virtual tour of the space station. I will never forget Shaan asking to see her “costume” (… her spacesuit). Or the look on his face while he watched her do backflips and throw gravity-defying M&Ms into the air. That was when I realized it: the first astronaut my son got to meet was a woman.

And I couldn’t help but imagine a world, a braver world, where that’s true for all little boys and girls.