2018 Firework just cracked

I find writing this post a bit daunting — afterall, I have to admit something that I should have a decade ago! I have to admit that I’m all on my own.

The 2018 firework just cracked. I stood among the crowd, my own parents & the nuclear family of brother. I watched them from a distant with love and appreciation. But I can’t help, but to realize that I would never feel like one of them. They would always have opinions about me, and the way I am being off the railway of life. Da-Di-Dah.

On My Own

The path forward in 2018 is a path alone, despite having loving friends & family around. This, I’m clear. The path forward is a path that has yet existed, so I need to accept shivering of being. Alone-ness would be a big part of my daily living experience — at least for a while. Yes, I need to accept that my craving for intimate connection would not be answered in most cases because those short term addictive pain-killers to survive aren’t solution anymore — i.e. self-talk, half-ass living, staying with the same dynamic of looping changes via recycling new relationships and new jobs.

The Path Forward

The path forward would most likely be the path backward. It would consist of regrets as well as future joy. It would be a path of paradox. On this path, I acknowledge my own subjectivity, my darkness of the soul. I trust “on my own” would open me inside this world.

In 2018, I will clear out all those limited beliefs that are long-due defenses. Remind myself everyday that it is okay not to be okay. I would listen, acknowledge my own sadness, anxiety and feeling attacked and let them go every time I have them. Say thank you to my impulses to fight. They are like loyal soldiers, wanting to protect me in the past. However, the war is no longer.

Celebration

This year, I choose celebration. This year, I choose self-acceptance. This year, I choose to be… vulnerable, strong and all on my own. I will enter into the playground of possibility and see what happen to me, to life. I want to trust my heart and follow it with commitment and strength like it deserves. I want to not be afraid of hurts and disappointments. Nothing can disappoint if I know my happiness isn’t based on how life should be but how life is already right now when the firework just cracked.