A Sudden Emptiness
A sudden emptiness is what I felt as I sat studying on my desk. It was definitely not what I expected to feel. All things considered, I should be happy with where I am. And I’m certainly not unhappy. I just feel a little bit mechanical, if that makes any sense. I don’t like to think too much, it becomes a bit unbearable. If I thought too much I wouldn’t survive. But nowadays I don’t really feel anything. I think things, I react. Physical reactions are present. Funny things cause laughter, yes I recognise that Sound. Sad things cause tears, although not a lot of things seem to bring me to tears very easily. I suppose that is a good thing. Heat rushing down my stomach — arousal — feels vaguely familiar, I instinctively crave more. But I don’t feel it when I should be feeling it and I am again left bereft and confused and alone.
I am quite fine, actually. I’m doing very well. I’ve gotten over my wave of laziness in a miraculous feat and I’m doing things, being productive, being a good member of society that I should be. I’m certainly not perfect but I am making an effort. I’m no longer staying up until ungodly hours at night and I’m going to bed early and rising early, I have become an early bird — something I never thought I could do. It’s all fine.
I’m also supposedly in love. I don’t know what that means and I don’t know if I’ll ever properly do it. She is lovely, she makes me feel a bit less empty. I don’t care if this is not love, I don’t really care about anything at this point. Caring too much about emotions is so pointless, there is no logic that underpins it, so why bother. I know that forever might be a fiction but I have the liberty to ignore consequences. Hurt is something inevitable, I don’t mind.
So it did come across as a surprise when I felt the sudden emptiness crawling towards me. This isn’t supposed to be happening now, I’m seventeen. I thought it happened after you’re thirty or something. It’s just that for now life seems pretty mundane and I used to think that “becoming an adult” would change everything.
As I approach adulthood, the more I realise it doesn’t mean shit.
Maybe I should go outside a bit.
