Getting through the day as a fat woman.

An inside perspective, perhaps?

I am a feminist who grew up under rather conservative beliefs (if not straight-up misogynistic) and that affected how I viewed the world and also myself. I can develop a tolerance for mostly anything but it’s very hard to do so when it comes to yourself.

So here’s a little insight into my day.

Well, before we start, I’m specifying what kind of day it is. Today is the normal, I don’t give two shits day where I’m busy and preoccupied to care about fitness and such. In other words, I’m a regular busy working human being. There are other days too — for example, the notorious New Years resolution day where I start out the day by looking for that yoga mat I haven’t used in god knows how long.

Anyways, today is not that day. Today is just… today. It also happens to be winter vacation.

10:00 AM Breakfast— My original plan was to get up at 8AM and work out and have a healthy breakfast but as usual, that never really works out and here we are. I am immediately aware of the menu — extremely high caloric stuff (the things we call breakfast sometimes honestly just gives me a heart attack by looking at it). But I also happen to be groggy and as much as I know I shouldn’t, I do. But not before having the split second debate internally and fondling my thighs a bit to see if they’ve become massive before I give in and then I don’t really think about anything else.

12:00 PM~6:00PM Studying — As a student in Korea, my most important duty is to study and that’s what I do. I never forget to bring my blanket to the little spot in the cafe I occupy to hide my thighs and jelly rolls as I sit for long hours. On the days I do forget, I get extremely self-conscious.

6:00PM~7:00PM Doing mostly nothing, just walking — This is the most anti-climactic part of the day but this part of the day is so important in this article because this is when I think. The scene in Korea is not what I’m used to seeing in Canada. Everyone is so skinny. As I walk through the streets with the countless amounts of street food hot spots and fast food joints that Korea is infested with, I can’t help but snort at the irony. I seem to be the only one to have gained weight from all of this. Today I mostly recalled the days from my year-long diet where I managed to lose over 35 pounds. I remember looking at those places and shuddering at the thought of all of that sugar, all of those carbs — to me carbs was synonymous to eternal damnation. I remember that one time I decided to let it slip — just one side of that delicious tteokbokki. And then another, and another, and another….I sigh as I walk by my very first slip-up in that year and how that led to….well…this.

I don’t think it’s really worth highlighting the rest of my day. It’s boring, I know, but I don’t live a particularly enthralling life.

What mostly goes on in my head and I’ve done this for 17+ years now and it’s so, so frustrating: “the but.”

This is “the but….” that comes after every line of thought and its plagued me to this state of subconscious hyper-awareness. I know that I’m really too obsessive over these things but on some days that feels entirely natural. Like this is the price that I ought to pay for a few extra pounds. It feels deserved. And that’s a very disturbing trail of thought.

I don’t know what I will feel if I manage to lose all of this weight, once in for all. Will I feel liberated? Will I feel happy? Will I no longer have that pressing concern at the back of my mind every time I encounter clothes, food, makeup — just anything?

I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling that my low expectations are going to pay off. I’ll close this off with the feminist indoctrination that is carved into my bones.

What if I were a guy?