In Constant Awe
This piece of collated sentiments has long been a work in progress. I’ve been trying to collate all my thoughts, the things I’ve learned, the fondest moments of the past year. It hasn’t been too much of a success but I know the most important things stick, even if not in writing. So here goes.
Last year was a realization of an important thing we all need to know or at least realize in life — to let things unfold in time. No rush. No hurries. To let things be. I’ve always been a firm believer of the universe and it’s conspiring energy, but always have been neglecting that the universe doesn’t work in your time, but in its time.
The biggest slap in the face for me last 2015 was a breakup from a two year relationship. It was not a pleasant sight of myself — it showed off my saddest, whiniest, grumpiest, most selfish self I thought I’d never be able to see. It was a tough and vulnerable time for me, and I chose to run away from it. I chose to run away from the place and the people I associated with the person. I caused my loved ones, especially my family so much worry.
It was when the most important pivot happened. All Hands. Up until now, I couldn’t put into exact words how amazing of an experience that was. I’m still in a hangover and I guess I will be for the longest time. Thinking and talking about it to people, I feel like my words could not justify what I felt, to what it exactly was, to how it was to me on such a personal and life-changing level.
I chose to keep it to myself, for most part of last year. I’ve only spilled the most general things that was going on at All Hands, but it was difficult to open up and actually share how the whole experience changed so much on how I see things now. Eventually, I guess I never really had to explain myself — how I see life now, how I perceive things, the way I act, it naturally comes and explained it for me.
Looking back, I remembered how selfish it was of me to be so impulsive when pain hit me like that. I left everything -family, friends, job, and chose to run away and leave it all hanging, thinking it will be easier to just run away. All those time, the universe was planning something big for me.
My time being at All Hands gave me a lot of time, a lot of perspective and lot of room to grow and think. It made me realize how being in love doesn’t only mean to one significant partner, and falling apart when it’s not reciprocated in a certain point.
I fell in love with all the people, with their natural being. I fell in love with the project, the community, the whole experience. I fell in love with the Philippines, that I was too busy complaining about before. I fell in love with life again. I was reminded once more that I had a responsibility as a human temporarily residing this world, that the world is bigger than all my problems, that all my little problems shall pass eventually. Giving back and volunteering, you would never realize that how much you actually take from the experience is so much more than what you gave.
Along the way, I’ve met some of the most interesting and special people in my life right now. I fell in love with these people, their kindness, their minds and their being. In the span of a few months, I’ve cherished these people and learned so much from them.
Sometimes I find myself remembering my time volunteering and confuse it for a long happy dream, most probably because it felt like that — easy, natural and just the happiest I’ve been.
As much as I was occupied with work the past year and up to date, I’ve had the most time with myself. And it’s been so comforting to be able to spend time with myself, to slowly grasp what I really want out of life. I’ve tried things I thought I could never do alone — watch movies in the cinema, eat out, exercise, go on trips.
I believe it’s important that one can be truly alone and still enjoy the company of yourself. I think it’s a premise that most people are afraid to do, to enjoy things by yourself.
I hadn’t had the time to travel in 2016, but the universe has found a way to help me get a peek of the world through interesting people I’ve met along the way. I got to see a piece of their lives from their stories, and I could not be any grateful to have shared mine to theirs.
Half way through the third month of 2017, the universe has been nothing but giving out positive energy — leaving me in awe and utmost gratitude. It’s been a great ride so far and I’m stoked to what the rest of the year has in store.
To this lifetime and the beautiful things that the universe has been conspiring to do — cheers.