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Photo by mentatdgt on Pexels

While getting ready, ditch the perfume and sprinkle spices all over your body instead. Your date will expect you to smell like curry and you don’t want to throw them off.

Order the spiciest dish on the menu. Even if it burns your tongue, teeth, and jaw. You’re Indian — a piece of chili should be like a piece of cake to you.

Make sure that you order your dish (vegetarian, obviously) in a ridiculously exaggerated accent (don’t worry, it will seem absolutely natural to your date). We recommend practicing this accent for at least a week. …

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Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels

After what feels like years, you’re finally allowed to hit the town! This privilege was announced two weeks ago and hasn’t been revoked (yet), so you’re probably in the clear (for now). We know that after everything that’s happened, going out (getting off the couch) can seem pretty daunting.

Here are some changes we’ve made to our bar to ensure that you’re comfortable:

1. Opening Hours

We now open at 10 am because we know that you now drink whenever you want. A glass of Chardonnay at 11 am is no longer just for emergencies (bad hangovers, crying baby, or crying boss).

2. Pop Up Screens


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9.30 AM: The sun peers into my owner’s Brooklyn loft. Alexa starts playing a pop song and I hear my owner, Liza, sleepily groan on the other side of the room. A few minutes later, I’m yanked off the chair where I was sleeping peacefully, spooning an oversized hoodie.

9.45 AM: Aaaaah. That stretch felt good — it really opened up my lycra threads. Oh, you’re wondering what yoga pose that was? Well, that wasn’t yoga. That was just me expanding and stretching to fit onto Liza’s legs.

10.00AM: We’re walking down the street, me hugging her legs while she’s…

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Photo by Mark Basarab on Unsplash

Wow, is it time to leave already?! It feels like we just got started. This experiment on “ Acting Like A Bear Stuck In A Human Body” is a lot more exciting than I thought it would be. Who knew that pouncing on people, sharpening my canines, acquiring a taste for human carcasses, and growling at passers-by in Central Park could be so much fun?

Okay yeah Brandon, let’s go. Wait, what did you just say? What’s an Uber? No, I definitely have not heard of it before. Of course, I don’t live under a rock — bears need more…

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Photo by René Ranisch on Unsplash

I can’t wait for tonight! For the first time, I will have a 100% attendance. Whoever I’ve invited is coming. Tonight’s guest list includes me and, well, that’s it.

Last month, I hosted a potluck dinner and invited a bunch of people over. George’s wife, Cathy, finally got to meet his ex-wife Jessica, who is now Dave’s current wife. Dave is the son of my neighbor, Bob, who is lusting after my co-worker, Monica. Because my apartment is half the size of a regular New York City apartment, we all had to grab our plates and squeeze in on the…

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Photo by Pixabay on Unsplash

Coffee Maker: Hello? Are you all there? I think there’s something we need to discuss.

Couch: Yo, CM! I hope you’re talking about the amount of time the human has been spending inside the house, because that’s really been wearing out my cushions.

Tap: And twisting my neck!

Coffee Maker: Yes, indeed. That’s precisely the matter at hand. Until a week ago, I was more like a work of art. Worth lots of money observed from a distance and talked about with friends. But these days, I’ve actually been making coffee. Cups and cups of it.

Couch: Yeah, but dude…

The Makeover Package Every Woman Needs To Keep Her Man Happy

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Are you ready to completely transform the way you look? Brand new hairstyle, dresses and shoes…all for the man of your dreams who said that your ass looked too fat in pants.

We’re excited to introduce a curated makeover package, designed to help every woman keep her man happy. From a personalized analysis of your man’s wants, whether it’s silkier hair or deeper necklines, to one complimentary do-over, in case you know, the neckline becomes too deep for his liking — we, at Makeover Magicians are at your service.


advertising and humor writer. //

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