Curse of the unsolicited criticism and how to get away with it
Why you come off as a jerk when you don’t mean to.
The Story
A few weeks ago I was depressed. My much-loved dog died and me and my family were grieving.
After a few weeks, a couple of my friends decided that I have grieved enough and I should get back on the horse, so to speak. I didn’t blame them. They never had a pet so I wasn’t expecting empathy. Sympathy, on the other hand, was welcome, however long it lasted.
It started innocuously. I was given some good advice on what I should do, but it lost it’s charm at “how I should feel.”
“It’s time to move on,” they said. Some segued from there, without context, to what I should have achieved by now in my life. Maybe they felt that my being sad was a waste of time. Maybe, they didn’t want to see me hurting any more. But at that time, tough love wasn’t what I needed.
I resented it.
It blew up into an unasked-for critical analysis of my personality. It wasn’t enough to tell me that I should get over my dog, someone I spent the last eight years of my life with, asap, it was also imperative, for some wayward reason, to make me realize and acknowledge all my mistakes of the last thirty years.
When I didn’t receive the advice/criticism as well as they expected, it metamorphosed into one character flaw among a list of many. It was my fault that I couldn’t accept the high-handed way I was being told that I was inflexible, intolerant, mechanical, too logical and that I thought my beliefs are the absolute truth.
All because the advice, which apparently was for my benefit, failed to prove beneficial to me.
What truly and completely stumped me was the manner in which the advice/criticism was given and then somehow became a part of my cognitive and character failure. The criticism was not helpful. All it did was make me angry and defensive. It felt more like a personal attack.
When confronted, this particular friend told me that it’s the way she gives advice. She tells you whatever is wrong with you then she tells you to change them. And you (poor sod that you are) are expected to accept it because 1) her intentions are all good, and 2) if you don’t it would mean you are whatever she said you are.
The irony of it was that when I told her she was being judgemental, she denied it and said that she was just telling the truth to do me good. Calling me a plethora of unflattering things because I didn’t like the delivery of her advice was, to her, THE best way to help me.
It still smarts. Her behaviour didn’t win her any favours from me that day. All it did was make me like her less.
How to give advice so as not to come off as a jerk — it’s called Constructive Criticism.
Unsolicited advice, should generally be avoided, especially when you don’t know what’s going on or understand it. But it’s not always possible. When someone you love is on the line, you do your best to help them and advice is the first step. If you want your advice to be helpful to the recipient, if your intentions are as good as you say, criticizing all the things you don’t like about them is not the way to go.
Tough love only goes so far. One time too many and you might just lose a flawed but a great friend.
There are many things your friends do not like about you either. Imagine how you would feel if they bring those up every time they try to ‘help’ you.
If you still insist on giving advice or criticism, this is what you can do to change the output of your unsolicited input:
- Timing is everything. Pick a time when the recipient of your criticism can take it well. When someone is already down, blindsiding them with a heap of unasked for advice or criticism is just asking for trouble.
- Know your motivation. Make sure you know why you are saying the things you are. Is it because you want them to improve in some way or is it just an opportunity you decided to grab to air out the grievances and issues you have with that person? Don’t do it to stroke your ego either. Criticizing others can make some people feel better about themselves. Be careful that you are not one of them.
- Concentrate on their actions. Focus your advice or criticism on what they did or said wrong. Point out things they can improve upon. If you point out all the things you think is wrong with them, and they reciprocate, where will you be? The whole point of giving good advice or criticism is to help them improve in one or more aspect of their lives. Finding faults never helped anyone.
- Don’t offer advice or criticism unless asked for. Other than timing it right, the most important thing you can do is not give advice unless asked to. Now there are exceptions to the rule, like if you know someone you care about is harming themselves or others in some way, you should say or do something about it. But usually it’s not that serious. So, try to stay put until your input is verbally asked for.
- Show some respect. When you are respectful of a person, you are usually careful of what you say. You choose your words so as not to be offensive or hurtful. Show the recipients of your advice the same courtesy. You cannot nurture a good relationship, of any kind, if you don’t respect them. Your honesty is required, but don’t turn into an ass!$@# in the process.
Remember, it’s about them. No matter what you feel about what you should say and how you should say it, you are offering your thoughts for their benefit. As such, your mode of criticism should further that end and not sabotage it.
If you want more information on the art of constructive criticism, here are a few articles I found particularly helpful.
5 Steps to Providing Constructive Criticism
