The Universe is Actively Trying to Help My Body, Food issues, and Eating Disorders.
The relationship between my body and myself has been a rocky one. I’ve been bulimic, anorexic, and battled with food and weight issues since high school which has caused a lot of suffering. I remember the moment the switch flipped in my head, and I thought I needed to be fixed or I wasn’t good enough. I want to preface this by saying that I am fully 100% aware that my dad did nothing wrong in this instant but my mind, however, does not get off so easy. My thoughts went insane and led me down a not so healthy path for many years to come. I am happy to say that I got lots of help with my eating disorder while in treatment for drugs and alcohol in 2012 and haven’t purged or “technically” starved myself since. That being said it is a constant 24/7 mind game of judging and demonizing food that I have to deal with every day. I have pretty strict food rules and guidelines that I go by and some would say they are characteristic of an eating disorder but right now they work and help me to keep somewhat sane and on track.
It all started when I was about 13 and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at a horse show about to get on my beautiful, sorrel horse with 4 white stockings on his feet and compete in the western pleasure class. Reckless was tall and so I always needed a leg up to get on him. This particular afternoon dad lifted me into the saddle and then said, “Oh boy you’re getting big I’m not sure I’m going to be able to lift you anymore.” I felt something shift in my brain instantly and my thought was, I have to do something to stop this. And so I did. I started not eating and restricting food so that no one would know what I was doing. It worked too I remember the day we bought slim wranglers for me instead of huskies. That payoff was gratifying and one I still cherish to this day. Those were the anorexic years. The bulimic years didn’t start till much later in my adulthood and the number of compliments one gets when slimming down only encourages whatever self-defeating behavior might be happening to keep yourself skinny.
Even though I am doing quite well It is time for me to start haveing more reverence with food. I am usually just shoveling food in my mouth as fast as I can not remembering what I ate and never taking the time to enjoy it. I eat so fast that and can’t remember what I ate but one thing I never forget to do is worry about how fat it is going to make me. Worrying about something that I can’t actually remember, makes no sense. I know rationally and scientifically that eating something doesn’t make you fat immediately following, I understand that is not the way food/nutrition works. My mind, however, plays these scenarios over and over again like it does work that way until I believe it to be truth. It is time to get serious about slowing down with food and being reverent and mindful of what I am putting into my body. Growing up and being aware while giving my body, this vessel I have chosen to navigate life, healthy nourishment that will contribute to it functioning at maximum capacity so that I can be of service to my fellows and God. I think this might be the idea of truly mindful eating. If this were the ground rules for putting food in my body instead if allowing myself to shove anything and everything I could find to swallow the loneliness and fear due to all of the guilt and shame built up from days gone by then maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about weight because it would all take care of itself. When we are thinking and acting with the thoughts of heaven it seems these earthly matters tend to fall into place. Our worldly thinking is completely upside down. A Course In Miracles says that the thinking of the world is 180 degrees from the thinking of heaven. For example, if I succumb to the thinking of the world I will feverishly think about every morsel I put in my mouth with the dread of what it might do to my outside appearance. Always worrying if that bite is the one that is going to tip the scale. Afraid that I won’t look like the magazines. I have to remember that those bodies on the magazines are enhanced so that looking like them isn’t even attainable. It is naturally impossible. Notice I didn’t say scientifically impossible because scientifically possible may be the only thing it is. Do I want to be a science project or do I want to be a happy, joyous and free human with body operating at its peak performance so that it can be of service to the universe and the greater good of all mankind? Obviously, I want to be the latter and if I can keep my mind focused on the real reason I have a body it’s a little easier to put down the ice cream and pick up the barbells. Knowing that I need this masterpiece of human anatomy to help me enjoy and endure this relatively short earthly experience. A Course In Miracles says to think of your body as nothing more than a suit of clothes. When you take your clothes off at the end of the day your body is still here. When we leave earth and are finished with our bodies it is our undying spirit, the true essence of who we are, which carries on.
I’m going to think of my body as the most expensive outfit I have ever owned.
That I worked tirelessly so I could afford the finest quality and craftsmanship. I guess you could call God the master craftsman, thank goodness he wasn’t into decoupage when he was coming up with the human body. The point is we have been gifted a remarkable learning device (the body) to experience pleasurable and painful things here in this lifetime. We can either enhance our time here or make it more difficult than it has to be. When I take a good look in the mirror and get honest about any and all ailments or physical issues with my body most, if not all, of them are self-inflicted results of me not taking care of this really great outfit I chose for this mind blowing event called life.
Truth be told I have treated a pair of boots with w/ more reverence and care than I have this body.
I am certainly not saying here that I have figured out and fully understand my body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and food issues I have lugged around w/ me for my entire adult life. I am saying that the daily practice of reminding myself to think this way is making my baggage a little lighter and easier to carry. I am realizing slowly that I feel lighter mentally and physically.
Here are some of the key points I want to try to remember.
1.This body is the most expensive and stylish outfit I have ever owned. Designed by a genius — GOD
2. My goal for this body is to take care of it to the best of my ability so I will reap the benefits of having it operate at its maximum function so I can be of service to my fellows and the Universe.
3. No matter what I have done or am currently doing to my body when I start doing the right things for it no matter what it has been through it will start to self-correct and heal. It is always working to be better and I can contribute or hinder it, it is my choice. This is unquestionable and true.
4. I lift weights and eat healthy food to aid my body in functioning at its highest potential, not so my butt will look good in clothes. That is merely a bonus for doing the right thing.
Recovering from an eating disorder is similar and also completely different than being in recovery for drugs and alcohol because bottom line you can’t quit food. You’ve got to have it to live. So in AA, we are learning there is no way to manage our alcoholism it is abstinence only. In the eating disorder department, it is all about developing a healthy relationship with food and learning how to manage eating so that you don’t set off any old triggers that can send you back into insane thinking. I will do my best to ask myself this question before putting anything into my body. Will this serve me and my body for the greater good of the whole? By whole, I mean me and you and everyone and everything in this big ole’ awesome universe.
“Are we done? That’ll do. Now go treat yourselves kindly!”