Put your gauntlets on: it’s time to fight #momguilt
Someone asked me the other day about mom guilt. “Ugh, it’s the worst” she said. Raise your hand if you agree! I can sit here and easily come up with a list of half a dozen ways I’ve battled mom guilt in the last 24 hours. I bet we all can. After all, isn’t mom guilt just a part of motherhood?
Back in the beginning of December I got serious thinking about when and why I feel guilty, because I wanted to do something to change it. I realized that there are three scenarios that my mom guilt typically falls into, and they all have to do with my values. Once I figured out what was causing the guilt, I came up with a combat strategy for each of the scenarios. Ready mamas? Put your gauntlets on, because it’s time to fight the #momguilt.
#momguilt scenario 1: internal values conflict
Let’s say you have two things that are important to you happening at the same time, and you have to choose one of them. Choosing one means you’ll feel guilty about not picking the other one. When one or both of these choices has to do with your kids, that’s mom guilt. Another way to say this is mom guilt is when two of your values are in conflict with each other. Example: I value my health, but I also value my family. This past Saturday there was a gym class I wanted to go to, but I also wanted to spend time with C & M because I hadn’t seen them much during the week. If I pick the gym, #momguilt for not spending time with my kids. If I pick taking my kids to the park, #momguilt for not taking care of myself. WTH?!
Soooo… what’s my combat strategy? I remind myself that when I choose to live one value over another at any given moment, I’m not compromising my values. Instead, I know that all of my values work together in harmony towards what I want to achieve in life. I want to be fit and healthy, and I want to be close with my kids. Sometimes I’ll do one, and sometimes I’ll do the other. It’s not tension — it’s balance. The challenge with feeling guilty when your values are in conflict is that you’ll feel guilty (or worse, resentful) no matter what you choose. That’s just silly!
#momguilt scenario 2: external values conflict
Let’s say you want to do something important to you, but someone or something is telling you that you should be doing something else. Another way to say this is that your values are at odds with someone else’s. Example: this morning Moseah woke up at 5:45am. Early mornings are the only time I have to myself, and he usually sleeps until 7am. So, I let him fuss and cry for about half an hour until he fell back asleep. But I sat there feeling guilty because society tells me I “shouldn’t” let my baby cry that much. And, because some sleep-training experts say I “shouldn’t” let him go to bed at different times and I let him stay up a little late the last two nights. Argh!
What’s my combat strategy? I’ve learned to tell myself what Rachel Hollis learned to tell herself: “other people’s opinions are none of your business”. You know who knows my kids best? Me. You know who ultimately knows what’s best for them? Me. You know how I know I’m a great mom? Because I’m asking that question. The only person whose values I need to live are my own. I research the heck out of everything for my kids, and I can find experts that say the exact opposite things when it comes to just about any parenting strategy. There is no one right way; I can only do what I think is best given the information and resources I have.
#momguilt scenario 3: not living my values
Let’s say you have something that is important to you, but you’re tired, hungry, stressed, overwhelmed, you name it. You have every intention of doing the thing that’s important to you, but you just…. Don’t. Another way to say this is for whatever reason, you’re not able to live your values. Example: Positive parenting is one of my values. I always try to come from a place of love, understanding, and empathy when Cimorene has a toddler tantrum. But this past year — at the tender age of 2, right after Moseah was born — she decided that she was no longer going to nap. I was exhausted from having a newborn, and one afternoon I was desperate. I had tried validating her feelings, telling her about a time when I also didn’t want to do something… nothing worked. So, I threw my hands up, walked out, and shut the door. I literally stood there pulling the doorknob closed while she stood on the other side screaming and trying to open it. Oh man did I feel guilty after, because that doesn’t fit my parenting values!
What’s my combat strategy for this one? I give myself grace and appreciate that I’ve learned something about myself from this experience. If I just feel guilty and don’t do anything differently, that’s no good. But if I can understand why I feel guilty and then choose to behave differently next time, then it turns guilt into power.
Let’s start a new chapter for 2020, sans #momguilt
Do I still feel mom guilt? YES! But now I can notice it and say, ooooh, I know you. And I know exactly how to get rid of you. And I do. When Cimorene was born it seemed I was always feeling guilty about something. Now the feeling might pop up during the day, but most of the time it’s gone as soon as I notice what’s happening. I feel better, and I’m not wasting energy on an emotion that’s often unproductive.
These are the top three strategies that I use to combat mom guilt, but I’ve got a few more that wouldn’t fit in this post. Stay tuned for more next week…
