The Ommy Report

A few days ago, I was chatting with my 89 year old grandmother, Ommy, on my way home from work.

A few minutes into the call, we had once again reached that inevitable point in the conversation when the gap between our worlds became obvious. However, this time she had beef.

1. She just didn’t understand the language of people today. She claimed perpetual abbreviations and bogus words had bastardized the English language to the point that she could barely communicate.

2. She couldn’t fathom why the hell people (namely me) seem so pissed off about the state of things. From her vantage point, things were going quite well… after all, this was no Great Depression.

And I had to give it to her, her beef made sense. After all, she and I do kind of live in different worlds. We digest completely different content from completely different sources because the people and places we interact with every day are, well, completely different.

But, our different vantage points seemed to make her feel out of touch- and my grandma is a firecracker. Out of touch just won’t do. So, I agreed to write her a report that would provide a glimpse into my world.

Now, my grandma and I like to laugh- A LOT. Sometimes I will call her just to get in a good belly laugh on a stressful day. Therefore, if I am going to write her a report, you best believe it’s going to be dripping with humor. And after I wrote it, she called we had some big belly laughs… which led us to the thought that maybe this report was worth sharing.

And so, with that, I give you…

A newsletter aimed at bringing Great Grandmas into the cultural fold of the modern world.

Grannie’s Pocket Guide:

3 key terms for expanding a century old lexicon

The Floss (Pronounced exactly like the dental hygiene string)- A dance from the video game “Fortnight” that has swept through Gen Z faster than the bubonic plague. It involves flossing one’s hips in between one’s arms. 12-year-olds across the nation can be found doing this gyration in the bread aisle of their local Walmart.

boujee (pronounced Boo-G)- Derived from the term bourgeois, “boujee” entered the vocabulary of young Americans with the release of Migos hit song “Bad and Boujee”. The term refers to someone with a definitively high-class flare. AKA- they are snobs. Example: We needed a new couch for the office and I found an attractive one on Wayfair for $400, but one of my coworkers didn’t want to order it because he thought there must be something wrong with a couch in that price point. He is boujee.

LOL (Pronounce the letters)- An acronym meaning “Laugh Out Loud,” used when something is so funny, it literally makes you laugh out loud (like hopefully this report is doing right now.)

Frustrations from the Newsroom:

A quick glimpse of why I seem so perpetually pissed-off.

The planet has given us the ultimatum of a millennia. Get your s*#t together or get out (in twelve years). Hopefully George Martin will have finally finished the Game of Thrones novels by then.

China is projected to win arm-wrestling match with American President. America wagered it’s economy and job market.

It’s a great time to get rich if your last name is Corporation. Everyone else: don’t forget to buy a lotto ticket.

And Ommy’s response…

“I’m sorry I took so long to call after your email. I couldn’t find my hearing aides, and by the time I found them I had lost my glasses. I then got three spam calls on my land line, which gave me a stomach ache. So, I took TUMs and went to the restroom… then had to adjust my Depends.
Also, it was not all written in English. I only speak one language.”