I’m a hater and I’m not particularly proud of it.

21/30

I didn’t expect to learn so many things about myself in the last 3 weeks. I didn’t expect to realize that I’m still quite immature when it comes to little things. Overall, I think I’ve grown up, a little at least. I was on vacation during the easter weekend and was confronted by Captain America about how he really feels about the way I write. He said some hard hitting things and he said some encouraging things. I’m always a little afraid of what he has to say because he speaks the absolute truth. In the last 5 years of me knowing him, he’s never failed to prove his integrity and honesty. It’s something I look up to. He says that the posts I write when I’m my true, vulnerable self, are the ones he most enjoys reading. He also thinks I’m too angry. Which I agree with. I won’t tone it down, but his words encourage me to write with better perspective and remind me that the world does not revolve around me. Sounds like a little reflection of who my dad is. Which is probably why I love him so much.

Today I want to confront the fact that I am a hater. I don’t like it. Sometimes the company of similar minds drives me to hate even more than I usually do and I don’t particularly feel good about it. However ‘fun’ a gossiping session may feel during the course of it, I feel empty after. I find myself scrolling through old friends’ social media pages and roll my eyes, out of disgust. It’s a very unhealthy habit. I question why people behave the way they do and feel angry about the impression they are trying to create. More often than not, I find myself judging them, thinking lowly of them and wishing they would stop portraying such false images of themselves. I don’t confront them. I simply watch and stew. It feels like indulging in something that’s not good for you. A McDonald’s meal with a large portion of fries that feels great while you’re devouring it, but leaves you feeling sick after.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who does this. But I know it’s not good. I want to change that about myself. I want to not gossip about people and the choices that they make. I want to move on from friendships that have turned sour, people who have changed, events that have happened. I want to let go of my insecurities. At times, when I do want to confront the people I think deserve confrontation, it almost always goes the wrong way, where I’m the evil person filled with contempt. Which, for all I know, could be true. Who am I to say what is right and what isn’t. Who am I to tell you how you should live your life. Who am I to judge you and your decisions.

Wouldn’t it help me be a better person if I just let go? In the pursuit of change, wouldn’t it be easier for me to allow me to be me and let you be you?

-BR