The challenge of letting go.

28/30

I’ve written a lot about friendships. I’ve written about a few successful ones, a few fallouts and a lot about how I cope with things that don’t go the way I thought they would. I may have come across as immature and I feel I have, especially when I wrote about being a hater. It dawned upon me last night why I hate with such intensity. Why I can’t seem to let go of the people who I think have let me down, the ones who have ‘done me wrong’. I want to let go of this, and this is my sincere attempt at ‘live and let live’.

So, why am I such a hater? Why do I find it so difficult to let go? Why do I find myself drifting into imaginary confrontations and unknowingly curse out loud and have the people around me think that I might need professional help? I thought about this long and hard and almost always made myself feel like the victim. How could he do this to me. She is selfish and delusional. oh, how immature of them. Last night, I was hating on a now acquaintance. Their prima donna attitude is what I couldn’t stand. Remember how I spoke about confrontation and bad timing? That was on me, which lead to the fallout. I’m not particularly proud of being petty, but the sentiment was real. While I was on my hating spree, it suddenly hit me. I wasn’t upset about the person that they are and the things that they do, but I’m upset about how I thought differently. I was angry about having trusted them because of the image I had created of them, in my own head. In retrospect, they never changed. They were and are the exact person they make themselves out to be. And if they were putting on an act, it was my own misunderstanding and judgement of their character that has made me to feel hurt and upset. If I had paid attention to the signs, I would have not taken the friendship further and would have avoided the disappointment. I’m not saying that they are good or bad people; they’re people. Unique people with unique personalities. I chose to befriend ones that weren’t actually compatible with the person I am. That’s not on them. That’s on me.

But we all make mistakes, right? Some big. Some small. Some forgivable, some not so much. Of all the things I have written about, this is what I feel is what affects me the most. I want to forgive myself for failed friendships. I want to stop manipulating my thoughts and belittle the people who I think have done me wrong. I had a part to play as well. And I want to forgive myself for having done them wrong. Having done myself wrong.

What do I do now? Cut them off completely? Accept our differences and move on? Or continue to pretend that nothing is wrong and then stew on how much their actions piss me off? I want to pick option two. I really, really do.

-BR

Ps* Dear Future me, I want you to be able to look back at this post and laugh at how unnecessary it was to take such things to heart. I want you to have evolved into a person who doesn’t give too much of their time and effort to things that upset you, but to those that make you a better, happier person.