Davis Leaves The Club
I recently received an email forward about David Davis resigning from his golf club. That story by an anonymous author can be found here on Iain Dale’s website. You might like to read it first. I enjoyed it, but thought it needed updating. What follows is my adaption.
David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key, when Michel Barnier the club secretary sees him.
Barnier: Hello Mr Davis! I’m sorry to hear you are leaving us. If you would like to come up to my office, perhaps we can discuss a few outstanding matters.
Davis: Bugger off Barnier, there’s a good chap. I’ve already settled my bar bill.
Barnier: Indeed sir. The bar-manager passes on his thanks. You have been by far his best customer, he tells me, regularly spending £500 each week — more than covering the, ahem, occasional damage to the conservatory windows. However, there are other matters to resolve.
In Barnier’s office on the fourth floor, Davis wonders what else he might owe.
Barnier: Well, Mr Davis, let us first recollect that you are not merely a member of this club. You are one of 28 co-owners, with a seat on the board of directors.
Davis: Well, what of it? Fine. I resign.
Barnier: Regrettably sir, my advice is that you continue to be liable for commitments made during the period of your ownership. For instance, there are the repairs to the clubhouse roof…
Davis: Clubhouse roof! What on Earth’s that got to do with me any more?
Barnier (pulling out some out some papers): If I may quote from the minutes of the board meeting where the matter was considered… “Davis shouted that the building had ‘gone to wrack and ruin’, that a falling roof-tile nearly ‘took [his] bloody head off in the car-park yesterday’, and that ‘the crumbling balcony over the conservatory is a ghastly eyesore’. He demanded that ‘the whole edifice needs fixing pronto’ adding ‘I’ll deffo pay my bit if you paupers do too’.”
On the strength of this assurance we have already entered into a contract for building repairs. Indeed, as you can see [Barnier gestures to a cordoned-off door] structural work has already commenced on the balcony over the conservatory. Your contribution to these works has already been factored into their budget.
Davis (smirking): And that’s enforceable in law is it?
Barnier: Truthfully sir, we are not certain. The club’s solicitor is currently investigating. We had taken you at your word. Your [looks at his notes] “word as a twenty-four carat gentleman”.
Davis (snickering): Ha! Well you won’t be making that mistake again, will you Barnier?
Barnier: Indeed not, sir. And is that your final comment on the subject, I wonder?
Davis (smiling): Yup! Not a brass farthing. Whistle for it! Next?
Barnier (sombrely): As you say, sir. I shall inform the rest of the board accordingly. No doubt they will be most perturbed at finding themselves confronted with an unexpectedly elevated bill. [Looks quizzically at Davis] Am I right to believe that you have other business interests in common with certain of the owners? And, perhaps, friends of theirs?
Davis (hesitating, starts to ramble): Ah.. well… yes that is true actually… I suppose… run into those chaps all the time… one way and another… gone in together on a racehorse for one thing…. and various other, um, schemes… [Barnier stares at him] …and my reputation counts for a great deal around here… always has… a very great deal…. [Barnier continues to stare] …always been a man of my word… ask anyone here they’ll tell you… [Barnier still staring] All right, all right! Damn it all Barnier, stop goggling at me like that! I’ll pay for the blasted roof!
Barnier: Splendid! Thank you sir. And a very wise decision, if I may say so. Now, on a more minor matter, I cannot help but notice that you have put your name down for the Golfer of the Year Award. Sadly, we will no longer be able to consider your candidature.
Davis: What?! Bloody outrageous! I’m giving up club membership, not giving up golf! Anyway, you’ve sometimes had non-members as winners!
Barnier: True, sir. However the regulations state that nominations will only be considered for Current Members, Applicants for Membership, and Members of the Junior Club across the road.
Davis: Bloody petty!
Barnier: Possibly so, sir, but you may recall that you were a member of the subcommittee which drafted the competition rules. According to the minutes, you supported the decision with the view that “we don’t want any Tom, Dick, or bloody Harry entering”. Perhaps if you had raised your objections at that stage…
Davis: Just wait a blinking minute there, Barnier…
Barnier (pretending not to hear): Ah — and now we arrive at a more sensitive topic. As you are aware, your garden backs onto the 10th tee. Hitherto, as a club owner, you have enjoyed the freedom to come and go as you like, including full guest rights for friends and family.
Davis: Abso-blooming-lutely! The chaps and I often play the back nine after dinner with luminous balls. Bloody good sport. ‘Specially when Bozza falls in the pond on his back-swing.
Barnier: As a non-member, we will have to insist that you cease using our facilities.
Davis (mumbling): All right fine. [Barnier stares, one eyebrow raised] Look, I give you my word. [Barnier still staring] My word as a gentleman… um, twenty-seven carat? Damn it, why are you looking at me like that?
Barnier: I believe it is customary, Mr Davis, to cross one’s fingers behind one’s back in these situations. The difficulty, sir, is that you were seen yesterday installing mini-golf equipment in your garden and painting a sign reading, if I recall correctly, “Double-D’s Krazee Golf Adult Adventure — free tequila shot at every hole”.
Davis: My new wheeze! Got the idea on a trip to Asia last month. Found a little place down there where the caddies are all birds in bikinis, and before each shot you have to…
Barnier (interrupting): Indeed sir, and I am sure we all wish you the best of luck. Nevertheless, given these altered circumstances, we will have to insist that the boundary between your property and ours be firmly sealed.
Davis: Bloody hell! That’s going to mess up all my plans!
Barnier: I regret to hear that sir. Of course, it will also cause considerable inconvenience to our greenkeeper who occupies the semi-detached cottage adjoining yours, and who uses the garden gate to come to work each day.
Davis: Old MacNorth! What do you want to lock him out for, you miserable sods?
Barnier: We have no desire at all to lock him out. Unfortunately though, it is not clear what other course of action is possible. Do you, perhaps, have any ideas for a solution?
Davis (mumbling inaudibly): …blockchain…
Barnier: Sir? Well, perhaps it would be best if you were to put your proposal in writing. Shall we say by next Friday? Now, we come to another slightly awkward matter. As co-owner here you have enjoyed automatic reciprocal playing rights in a network of over 50 golf-clubs around the country, rights of which I gather you have taken generous advantage. Unfortunately, unless you have made arrangements to the contrary, I am instructed to advise you that these agreements will now cease.
Davis: WHAT??! Unbelievable!! What good does it do erecting barriers like this between clubs and punters? Look. I’ve had just about enough of this rubbish, Barnier. All I want to do is cancel my club membership. I mean, I’m not asking you to metamorphose into a rhinoceros, am I? How hard can it be? Let me make it nice and simple for you. Je. Have. Déjà. Settlé. Mon. Bill de Bar. Now… [Davis sweeps to his feet and marches to the cordoned-off door.]
Barnier (suprised): But sir — that’s the balcony…
Davis (forcing the door open): Don’t talk rot, Barnier. I think I know my way around here by now.
Barnier (on his feet, alarmed): Mr Davis, please! The crumbling balcony… [Smash] …above the conservatory…
