President Trump

Two words that strike horror into the hearts of millions

People across the U.S. political spectrum and around the world are terrified by the prospect of Donald J. Trump becoming President. Even Republican Senator Marco Rubio warned us he’s a lunatic who shouldn’t be allowed access to nuclear weapons.

But, seriously, how bad could it really be to elect a reality TV star President?

To give you some idea how bad, here’s an excerpt from my new ebook:

The 3 a.m. Phone Call

IT TOOK DONALD a few seconds to realize the man who kept saying “Mr. President” was talking to him.

“Where am I?” he asked.

“I believe you’re in the White House, Mr. President.”

“Yes. That’s right. I am.”

He took off his eye mask and turned on the light. He was alone in the bed. Melania was still mad at him. The Ambien he had taken made focusing difficult. But he felt forced to try it. In the last month, he had totaled less than thirty hours of sleep.

“Who is this?”

“It’s Sean Hannity, sir. Your National Security Adviser. Very sorry to disturb you.”

The thing President Trump liked about Sean Hannity was he always treated him so respectfully. It had been that way right from the start of the campaign, even when other people in the media — including some of Hannity’s own Fox News colleagues — were dismissing candidate Trump as a racist, sexist clown singularly unprepared for the highest office in the land.

“What is it, Sean?”

“Actually, we just got the ‘all clear.’ False alarm, Mr. President. Please go back to sleep.”

“What kind of false alarm?”

“System malfunction, sir. Nothing to worry about.”

“What kind of system malfunction, Sean?”

“The early warning system, sir.”

President Trump looked around the East Bedroom, his eyes resting on the door Melania had slammed behind her. “What happened this time?”

“We thought the Russians had launched an all-out nuclear attack, sir. But we’re now certain it was a false alarm.”

“How so?”

“If the attack was real, Washington DC would have been obliterated about forty-five seconds ago. Along with the entire Eastern seaboard.”

“Mexican hackers again?”

“We think so, sir.”

“They really don’t like my plan for the wall, do they?”

“No, Mr. President. They do not.”

“And Bill Gates still hasn’t figured out how to shut off Mexico’s internet?”

“That’s not how it works, sir. Anyway, I know today’s going to be an important day. I hope you can get back to sleep.”

Trump took off his hairnet and grabbed his iPhone. He put on his robe and slippers, and exited the bedroom. Melania was sleeping across the hallway, behind the closed door of the West Bedroom. A Secret Service agent stood at the end of the corridor that joined the Center Hall. He walked down to the family kitchen. Melania had made spaghetti and meat sauce last night. Usually his favorite. He heated the leftovers in the microwave.

Last night’s dinner was Melania’s attempt to have some “normal family time,” to take his mind off the fact that, since the day of his inauguration, everything in the country had begun to fall apart.

Throughout a bruising campaign, Trump’s promise to “Make America Great Again” by deporting twelve million illegal immigrants, banning Muslims and shutting down mosques, all while fully supporting the Second Amendment had been ridiculed by everyone from Republican rivals to comedians and commentators to foreign prime ministers, and even the Pope.

His narrow victory — made possible only by the Republican Party’s multi-year campaign to suppress the votes of minorities, students and seniors — had provoked global outrage, especially after “software problems” were reported with voting machines in Ohio, South Carolina and Florida — all of which just happened to be operated by GOP-supporting corporations. The results in those states had been just enough to tip the balance in the Electoral College. “The Art of The Deal” had been replaced by “The Art of the Steal.”

Coupled with the fact that the Democrats had regained a narrow 51–49 Senate majority while Republicans, thanks to gerrymandering, had retained control of the House, gridlock was all but assured.

America had tried to decide. But all it had done was divide. The Senate and the House were at war with each other. The only thing they both agreed on was their mutual hatred of the new President.

Within Trump’s first 100 days, he had been unable to move any of his ambitious agenda items forward.

The rise of America’s “Muslim Militias” made it impossible to close down any mosques. Inspired by the Ammon-Bundy-led siege of a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon in 2016, these heavily armed Muslims had occupied prominent mosques around the country vowing to fight to the death any government forces that tried to expel them and deny them the all-American right to practice their religion.

Conservatives were divided about how to treat the “Muslim Militias,” with many Constitutional purists supporting their rights as Americans, while a majority of Tea Partiers, stirred up by former Presidential candidate Ted Cruz, were now calling for the carpet-bombing of occupied mosques until the US streets on which they had been built “glowed in the dark.”

At the same time, President Trump had to navigate the rise of the “Black Lives Open-Carry” movement — an outgrowth of Black Lives Matter — which was now terrifying white communities around the country. Again, conservatives had a hard time arguing against BLOC on its merits, seeing as it was simply doing in reverse what the predominantly white Open Carry movement had been doing in minority communities for years. Despite that, support for stricter gun control was now surging among Republican voters.

As if the Muslim Militias and Black Lives Open Carry weren’t causing Trump enough headaches, a new boy band called XO Mexico had electrified the globe — and was building support for the plight of the 12 million undocumented immigrants Trump had promised to deport.

Propelled by the marketing genius of Simon Cowell, XO Mexico’s first hit song, a cover of the Everly Brothers classic “All I Have to Do Is Dream,” had been downloaded more than fifty million times. Its accompanying video, which showed families torn apart as a dictatorial President used armed force to round up illegal immigrants and put them on trains to Mexico, had been viewed more than five billion times.

As a result, support for the nearly two million youth who had grown up in America to undocumented parents was now almost universal. XO Mexico’s follow-up single — an updated version of Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall,” accompanied by an equally poignant video, had united liberals and Evangelical Christians in a new movement to show compassion to the plight of hard-working undocumented immigrants.

To make matters worse, groundbreaking for the Trump Border Wall had been followed by an embarrassing shutdown as construction workers were informed that Congress had not approved funding and there was no hope of getting paid directly by Mexico as the President had once promised.

Beyond America’s borders, things had also deteriorated rapidly. Economists were already predicting that Trump’s trade wars with China and Mexico would provoke a multi-year global recession. Trump’s insistence on tearing up the Obama administration’s nuclear deal with Iran had only encouraged other nations to become more aggressive. Russia was mocking the US by violating European and NATO airspace several times each day. North Korea had just tested another hydrogen bomb. Most regrettably, Iran itself was now launching rockets daily into the Straits of Hormuz.

On Fox News, the increasingly outspoken Megyn Kelly was already calling for Trump to be impeached for incompetence. On MSNBC, Rachel Maddow was suggesting, only half-jokingly, that former President Obama be given an emergency third term in the hope he could put the country right again.

Meanwhile, Melania had spent all day yesterday working with a color consultant to select fabrics and paints for the Master Bedroom. Normally, Donald loved that kind of stuff. Over the years, he had mentored her about the various ways one could use mirrors to make a room look spacious and how the right amount of gold paint could make it truly classy.

But now they were President and First Lady. They weren’t living in Trump Tower anymore. Everything she showed him suddenly seemed cheap and gaudy. Finally, he exploded.

“This isn’t fucking QVC. This is the White House!”

Melania’s face tightened. She could take it when he criticized her ass or her thighs or that little bit of arm jiggle she was starting to get. But mocking her QVC collection — the one thing she felt most proud of — had always been off limits.

She said something Slovenian. It might have been the one about feeding his balls to a pig. Then, she simply got up and left the table.

“Jeez, Dad!” said their 11-year-old son Barron.

It was still too early to fully assess the fallout. The door to the West Bedroom had been locked when he tried it a half hour later.

Of course, he should have known better. But diplomacy never had been his strong suit. He pushed aside the bowl of spaghetti and checked his Twitter. He retweeted an article headlined, “Trump Will Be Remembered as One of the Most Terrific Presidents in History, say Historians,” without noticing that the link was to the fake news site The Onion. He was about to go back to the fridge for some ice cream when a red light started flashing on the phone on the counter.

“This is the President,” he said.

“Sir, it’s Sean Hannity again.”

The above is an excerpt from my new novella Kim Kardashian Saves The World (After President Trump Nearly Ends It), available now on Amazon. Thanks for reading. Please click “like” below or share if you feel inspired.