Breaking News: American Eagle Officially Resigns as America’s Mascot, Says “I Just..
Steven Rouach

Truly a sad day in American history, Steven. One of many recently, I’m afraid. I’m a little surprised they didn’t just go with the Wild Turkey — which was Benjamin Franklin’s original choice — but then I considered how that would conflict with so many dearly cherished American traditions, like Thanksgiving and alcoholism. So among the contenders, I’m rooting for Spot, the beloved but seldom seen pet dragon of Paul “Eddie-baby” Ryan. I think that, considering the wild popularity of Game of Thrones, Spot will be a shoe-in! (Unless, of course, that awful Scott Baio doesn’t try to hog the spotlight again!)

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