How Two Wallets Saves Me from a Life of PITA

My two wallets: one’s a tri-fold and ones a bi-fold. Both all leather, one for each back pocket.

The reason I have two wallets is simple — it’s a pain in the ass to have just one. I started Beta testing my dual billfold lifestyle a couple of years ago and I can tell you now with complete confidence that having two wallets is stupendous.

Gentleman, join me in this rebellion, won’t you? I promise you it will save your butt. A lot.

Let’s talk about today’s bloated wallet. They’re a pain to sit on all day and they make you pants sag when you’re standing or walking.

Why? Because they’re too damn big.

Why? Because they are packed with so much damn stuff.

Why? Because despite all the digital stuff we can carry on our smartphones, guys like me still prefer to carry some damn cash and have an actual plastic credit card in our possession, along with a library card, and a medical card in our billfolds as back up.

Why? Because damn mobile phones go missing every day or fall in toilets with unimaginable regularity. It’s good to have back up and be able to whip out “the real thing” when the digital thing is unavailable for whatever reason.

Important to Have Redundancy

I just think it’s important to have redundancy, especially in a physical form…So if the whole Internet crashes one day, I will still have enough money in my wallet to buy a full tank of gas and get away from the zombies sure to muster in the heart of my current community.

By having two wallets, I am following Caesar’s advice: divide and conquer. (I’m sure Julius would have had two wallets if his damn toga had pockets.) So I just split my stack of cards, photos, and other items between them. This lightens the load of both back pockets and, consequently, each cheek of my rear end shares the burden. This is excellent for my posture. Now, I do not lean to one side whenever I sit down. And there’s no dull ache from sitting too long on a fat wallet on one side. And best of all, my damn spine has no billfold-caused unnatural curve.

Confusing Criminals

Another benefit from having two wallets is that it confuses criminals. Imagine a sleazeball attempting to mug or pick-pocket you. If you’re asked to surrender your wallet, you can hand over the one that has the least amount of cash. Or the one that doesn’t have you ID and all your credit cards that take forever to cancel and replace.

You can keep the “cheap” wallet as a decoy in your back pocket and your “expensive wallet” in your front pocket. So if a crowd of young thieves descends on you, you can let them run off with your cheap wallet and a few bucks and actually consider it a donation to the under-privileged. Instead of being a victim, you are a benefactor. Being a victim of a crime will just be an annoyance or a minor inconvenience, not a BFD.

Furthermore, with this approach, the criminal may get some cash but he won’t be able to disrupt your life or sidetrack a wonderful vacation or delightful late-night stroll through a bad neighborhood.

Granted, if my two-wallet lifestyle is adopted by millions, it could result in a windfall for the wallet manufacturing industry. Full disclosure, one my retirement mutual funds MAY have a financial investment in Wallets-R-Us or whatever the biggest wallet company is out there and that may have a worldwide monopoly on billfold construction.

The Final Reason to Have Two Wallets

Chicks dig guys who are packing cash on both hips. (Note: I have actually no statistical evidence to prove this theory is true. But I’d like to think it’s true and in today’s fact-free world, if I want it to be true, then damn it, it is true!)