Scary Story #2
*You can find Scary Story #1 here
This super, tremendously scary story is about a little baby boy named Todd, or whatever. A while ago, Todd went to a spooky haunted house and had himself a nice little adventure that nobody cared about. He saw a ghost or something, but the ghost didn’t get his wiggly ghost grabbers on the child so Todd lived to tell the tale. However, if you think Todd is done exploring scary shit you must be some sort of fuckin’ brain dead idiot. Of COURSE he’s not done! Why would the first one have a #1 on it if there wasn’t going to be a sequel? That seems pretty stupid if you ask me.
Some time had passed since Todd explored the haunted house, but not much had changed. He was still pretty forgettable, he wasn’t very good looking, and his parents still didn’t really pay that much attention to him. Perfectly normal kid that just so happened to have been in a house of haunts. Anyway, after Scary Story #1, Dumb Fuck McDuck (Todd) was actively looking for spooks (“spooks” as in “spooky things” not “spooks” as in “a racist term from the 1940's”). His quest for the paranormal lead him all over town. The library, the cemetery, even in the back of a windowless van, none of them leading to any discoveries or Todd’s parents approval.
Todd had already tried to find scary stuff on his own, but the other day while stuffed in a locker, he overheard a rumor about there being a monster in the woods. Normally Todd would assume that following this rumor would lead to a tetanus shot or another ride in “Uncle” Jimmy’s van, but tonight was different. Tonight was Halloween and this Halloween was extra special because it just so happened to fall on Friday the 13th. Now, Todd wasn’t a genius, which was obvious because his name was Todd, but he was smart enough to know that Halloween and Friday the 13th were often associated with ghosts and monsters and scary stuff. Last Halloween Todd’s mom took a lot of pills and fell down the stairs. Scary.
Before going out into the vicious wilderness that was a small patch of trees across town, Todd packed his backpack with a flashlight, a lantern, some matches, a canteen, and a kazoo. He was going to pack some Pizza Rolls but he knew they would probably just slow him down. Todd’s stomach was sensitive so Pizza Rolls gave him really bad diarrhea but he kept eating them because the other kids like them and he wants to be like the other kids. The other kids weren’t spending Halloween night alone in the dark, but sure, Pizza Rolls will help you fit in, dumbass.
Anyway, Sargent Squirts (Todd) took his bike across town to the big, scary woods. There were like so many trees and the autumn leaves were being rustled by the wind and the crackheads that probably lived in those woods. Todd took a deep breath and entered Child Murder Woods. I probably should have mentioned the name of the woods earlier, but oh well. Also don’t worry, its not called Child Murder Woods because of child murder. It’s actually named after Thomas Murder, a child who took a bunch of pills and fell down the stairs. Pills are really easy to get in Todd’s town.
After about 2.5 minutes of walking, Todd found a spot to make camp. He lit a match for the lantern, then sat on a fallen tree nearby. The night was dark and spooky and he could hear two people in a nearby trailer park yelling at each other. The woods weren’t that big and it was surrounded by trailer parks. Todd got his little camp together and then immediately got bored . He did everything a young child does when they’re alone in the woods; look around, chew his nails, whisper secrets into a rock then throw it into the darkness. Todd was losing energy, but then he remembered he had a kazoo in his bag! If there is any instrument that makes monsters appear or makes people want to fuck, its the kazoo.
Todd took a deep breath and played literally 3 notes on the kazoo before he heard a rustling just outside of the lantern's light. A large shadow stood up from a laying position and moved closed to Todd. It was probably between 7' 9" and 7' 11" but DEFINITELY not 8'. The way it walked made it seem like it was confident, but Todd could see that it had some self-esteem issues. When the creature was lit af enough to be seen, Todd saw that its face looked like a mix between the mythical creature Bigfoot and famous Hollywood actress Olivia Wilde. A terrifying monster that also seemed to be an underrated actress. The beast roared then cleared its throat.
“Hey could you like, not fuckin’ do that?” It said.
“Do what?” Responded Todd.
“Play the kazoo. I’m trying to sleep. Why are you out here anyway?” The Olivia Wilde-Foot had an annoyed tone in its voice.
“I, uh, I was trying to see if there was a monster in these woods…,” Todd said, embarrassed.
“So you came into the woods looking for a monster, and you thought you’d find one by blowing a kazoo in the dark?”
“…yes.”
“Well,” the beast paused, “how did that work out for you?”
“I mean I saw you so pretty good.”
“Well I’m glad to hear that annoying a total stranger was at the top of your things to do today. How about this, why don’t you quit being a fuck cunt, get back on your shitty bike that I’m sure some trailer-living crackhead has already stolen and jacked off on, go back home, have mommy run you a warm bath, throw that kazoo in the trashcan, then write a 1,000 word essay describing how its rude to bother strangers who live in the woods. THEN you can take that essay and shove it up your ass.” The Bigfoot/Olivia Wilde-like creature was visibly upset and Todd looked down ashamed.
“I’m sorry I just…” Todd tried to respond, but the beast put its finger up to stop him.
“Just go. Now you can go and tell all your little friends that you played your kazoo right in the Child Murder Woods Monster’s ear.” The beast turned and walked into the darkness. “Asshole.”
Todd found his way out of the woods, and the monster was right: a crackhead had stolen his bike and jacked off on it. On his long walk home, Todd saw houses decorated for Halloween and 10’s of kids running around asking for candy. Most of them threw eggs at Todd, including the people in the houses. After some time, Todd returned home. When he tried to turn the knob, he found the door was locked. There was a note on the window that read:
“Dear Tim or Todd or Terry or something,
Your mother and I are finally fulfilling our dream of moving to New Mexico so we can do drugs and make turquoise jewelry in the desert. I can’t remember the address off the top of my head but we’ll meet you there. We sold the house while you were gone.
Good luck
Jerome and Stephanie”
Todd slept under the deck that night.
THE END?
**You cant find Scary Story #3 here
For more comedic nonsense subscribe to the author on Medium and follow him on Twitter. For inquiries, business or otherwise, email: rmertens33@gmail.com
