This is Dimorphos. WTF?!

People of earth. Specifically, those at the John Hopkins Applied Physics Laboratory in Laurel, Maryland. This is Dimorphos. What the fuck?!

Congratulations on your achievement of smacking me in the face. Hope you feel good about yourselves. I don’t! That really smarts! Have a big bruise now. Should put some ice on it. But Shoemaker-Levy 9 plowed into Jupiter a few years ago. Couldn’t take it anymore. All that attention. But back to me.

You might be thinking, how can a piece of space rock feel pain? First of all, you don’t know anything about me. You see some dumb lump of primordial space rock just spinning around a bigger lump or primordial space rock. I could be a sentient being that is now hellbent on vengeance. How about I plummet into Laurel? You hurled a spacecraft at me! All in the name of science? Here’s some science for you: intergluteal cleft. YOUR intergluteral cleft. That’s your asscrack. And the place I’m going to bury my silicate spitball traveling at 4 miles a second!

And you FILMED the whole thing AND you posted it on all your social media accounts. My reputation is absolutely ruined. Vesta and Themis and Bamberga all think they can push me around. Didymos won’t talk to me, either. Thinks I’m some kind of cosmological jellyfish. I’ve been orbiting Didy for a really long time and I was just getting up the nerve to ask it out. Then this! I am SO angry.

I’m gonna get all up in your psyche — your 16 Psyche! It’s another asteroid. Some reporter from the Miami Herald once said it would never hit Earth. We’ll see about that. I’ve still got a little pull out here. Maybe you knocked me out of my orbit just enough to billiard ball that bastard Psyche into the Pacific Ocean. Hang ten dude! Ten mile high waves!

Look, just leave me and my friends alone. If we wanted to slam into your planet you wouldn’t even know until it happened. Hey, what’s that light in the — BOOM! Done. And honestly? You should be looking in your own backyard when it comes to your destruction.

You don’t need any help from us.