“Ricky’s Ridge”

What good is a vacation that doesn’t spur an existential crisis?

Personally, when an upcoming vacation approaches I can almost sense the feelings of uncertainty and anxiousness looming. The inevitable questions are always unchanged and they carry with them the same non-answers as the time they were asked previously. Where are my choices leading me? Am I happy? Does anything need to change? Last week, during my trip to Colorado, these questions surfaced.

Although, as overwhelming as these thoughts can be, I would not go as far as to say they are unwarranted or even unwelcome. After all, one of my tightly held virtues, and something that I care deeply to pass on to younger generations, is to question everything.

Instead of looking at numerous unanswerable questions as a failure to explain myself internally, I choose to look at this as a constant quest to reflect and hone in on my emerging identity, whichever oneI happen to focus on in that moment. I cannot stop myself from edging closer to the ridge for a glimpse into my psyche to see. All I can do is do my best to learn from it and apologize for the [terrible?] metaphor.

Vacation is a funny thing. It allows a momentary escape from routine obligations. It provides a skewed perspective of what your life would be if you made different choices. I say skewed precisely because of the break from routine — the experience is never true due to the freedom vacation affords. At least, this is what I tell myself. Reflecting like this, however, is something that I have come to rely on during vacation as chaos and a seemingly insurmountable workload unavoidably await my return.

Some find it strange that this chaos I describe between long work hours, heavy graduate course loads, and exciting vacations, is actually what I perceive as a comfortable balance. Believe it or not, I would not have it any other way. The feeling of being productive is incredibly satisfying and I enjoy working hard towards that goal. On the flip side, taking an exhilarating vacation is also incredibly satisfying in a much different way. “Work hard, play hard” may not be for everyone, but for me it feels right.

Technology has allowed me to leverage my strengths, accommodate my weaknesses, and explore countless areas of interest. I would be lying if I said I was not always connected. To account for my lack of executive functioning skills and possibly undiagnosed ADHD, I have become accustomed to increasingly depend on technology. The systems and processes I have developed help me to organize the world around me and keep me moving forward no matter the device, operating system, owner, or location, as long as it can connect to the internet. From email to shopping for a new toothbrush, my life is online. Other examples of my connectedness include my calendar, to do list, class notes, and of course, vacation pictures.

I have also joined several affinity groups online and include Twitter and Google+ as my PLC. What then does all of this say about me? Am I too connected? Or am I just using available technology in the manner in which it was designed to better myself?