Survey Says…This Show Sucks.
The Right in its current iteration is like the worst family you’ve ever seen play Family Feud. They’ll give idiotic answers that everyone knows are wrong. Rarely, they’ll land a correct answer, and the opposing Left Family will screw up just often enough to keep the Right Family in the game.
Steve Harvey will routinely meet their patently stupid answers with a confused, disappointed stare directly into the camera, followed by disproportionate amounts of raucous laughter and applause by the audience.
The Right Family will even get some points by paying Russian operatives to sneak behind the board and change some of the answers to “making whoopee,” even when that makes zero sense in context with the question. Anything for a win.
And for each objectively terrible response, the entire Right Family will clap and yell “GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!”
The players on TV know the answers are stupid and, ergo, not “good answers.” They’ve got a stake in the game, though, so they’ll play the part.
Those playing along at home, however, are duped via the age-old conservative weapons of “cacophony,” “defunding public education,” and “volume” to believe that every single answer is indeed a good answer. And every time the Right gets a strike on a “good answer,” it’s because the game is rigged against their side. Mark Goodson, creator of Family Feud and just about every other game show, was Jewish, after all. Coincidence? Survey says…yes, that’s exactly what that is.
Folks on the left roll their eyes, yell at the TV, and search in vain for the remote. They hate the current version of this show. It drives them up the wall. The idiocy, the pandering, watching the Left Family lose when they are clearly capable of winning, and the fact that stupid answers are applauded and rewarded…it’s all sickening to the average liberal. But they’ve lost the remote control. Again. They’ve ordered a new one, but it doesn’t arrive until 2020. Seems like they do this every eight years or so.
People on the Right, however, love this show. It’s got everything: “victories” for their favorite team, embarrassing losses for their sworn enemies, built-in victimhood (while they are nonetheless winning), a genial Black host who makes them laugh (see, they’re not racist!)…
But best of all, the liberals hate it and can’t change the channel.
After eight years of being forced to watch Jeopardy! without knowing a single correct answer, the conservatives are finally getting to watch what they want to watch. And it’s made all the better by knowing how much the liberals loved Jeopardy! and everything it stood for, and how much they hate Family Feud.
The New York Times reports that watching Family Feud skews viewers’ concept of truth and fiction.
“See?!” exclaims the Left. “This is The New York Times, the country’s original paper of record, a bastion of journalistic integrity, stating that your favorite show is warping your damned mind! What more proof do you need?”
“Fake news!” the Right yells in unison. “And what the hell does ‘bastion’ mean?”
And the show remains on, with the volume unnecessarily turned to past “crackle the factory speakers” right on up to “drown out the broomstick banging on our downstairs neighbor’s ceiling.”
60 Minutes interviews a Russian game show board rigger who brings mountains of evidence, proving the Right Family should have been ousted from the game two years ago.
“It’s a witch hunt by angry Dems!” according to your friend Buford, who is parroting what someone said on The Rush Limbaugh Show. Buford knows a thing or two, according to Buford. After all, he was in the Army for two years (27 years ago) and thus his opinion is elevated to gospel truth on all things political.
And the show remains on in spite of mounting evidence that every victory is a result of overt cheating. The ratings go up, actually. Bufords of the world unite and watch the show even more than they did before. They organize the effort via Facebook groups, which were each created and moderated by Russian game show board riggers.
Every protestation by the highly educated, well-read liberal masses is dismissed as “gay” and “retarded” by the Right.
“The homophobia and ableism of such anachronistic barbs is both infuriating and disappointing!” announces the Left, unknowingly granting the Right a power play by focusing on delivery rather than content. #irony
“Y’all just can’t stand it that we’re all watching Steve Harvey and Family Feud instead of that limp-wristed Canadian cuck Alex Trebek. Guess we know who the real racists are, huh?” *hi-fives and bro-grabs abound.
The Left petitions to get the show canceled. They march en masse on Washington over and over. They write op-eds and blog posts that only people on the Left read.
The Right squeals with glee as they watch the Left’s hand-wringing and pearl-clutching. They can’t wait to see the next crazy thing that’ll happen on the show.
Here’s the good news: as with all shows, the fans will become bored with this one after a while. The creators of the show will bank too resolutely on their ratings. They will take them for granted, as if they are permanent. Ratings will start to slip, and the show runners will get desperate to renew the energy of the glory days. Arthur Fonzarelli will waterski over a shark, and after that, something will change.
Viewers will lose interest, advertisers will lose patience, and show runners will lose gigs, and/or go to prison for the rest of their lives.
Take solace, liberals: while you may never get a chance to see eight consecutive years of Jeopardy! level television again, history ensures that you will see the demise of Family Feud sooner or later. Who knows what’ll be on the Fall 2020 lineup, but it’s gotta be better than the drivel we’re currently forced to watch.
Oh, and by the way, you didn’t lose the remote. Those crafty Russian game show riggers stole it.
And as always, if you like what you read on my page, let me know by following my facebook or twitter pages, or by subscribing to my email list! Or go buy a t-shirt and help support my mission to not do actual work!
Originally published at hittingthetrifecta.com on August 21, 2018.