I remember one of our first conversations, but not what was said. I remember the feelings, I remember the way my eyes lit up when I met his. I remember the rush his attention gave me, it was a high like no other.
It wasn’t until I got closer to him, that I got closer to his darkness. His soul was a whirlwind of destruction and chaos.
I remember trying to give him all of me, but he only gave me pieces of himself back. The pieces were mixed, some were authentic, some fake and plastic.
I wanted to be everything he wanted. Everything he needed. But he would never take me into his arms as his own.
He had ink all over his skin. He was able to put holes into his body. He could commit to so many things, but he could never commit to me. I wasn’t sure if what I brought to the table wasn’t enough, or if he didn’t want me permanently. I guess he didn’t think the pain and confusion I could bring was worth it. He wanted me to stay at arms length, he wanted to keep me disposable. He didn’t want me to leave any marks on his body, soul, or life.
For a while, that was fine. I never lost him because he was never mine. That I was able to swallow. He was still in my life even if it was on his terms and he showed up only when he wanted me. It didn’t matter, I still got to enjoy him… even if it was just in flashes.
But I couldn’t take this anymore. I couldn’t continue to take this pain for him. He could never see what he was putting me through, or maybe perhaps he didn’t care he was destroy me from the inside out.
Getting into my car, I wiped all the tears quickly, furious I was letting them out in the first place. I drove to to him, destined to make him hurt just the way I did. Destined to make him feel pain like I did. I wanted to make him suffer for a while, just like I did, before I made it all go black. I needed him to feel something.
I stuck my hand in my hoodie pocket, gripping tightly.
But when I got there, and when his eyes met mine. I made the decision. I couldn’t take it any longer. The last thing I saw was the gleam in his eyes from the sunlight, god he was a disaster, but he was beautiful. Breathtakingly beautiful.
So I took one long look at him and continued to let our eyes gaze into each others. Then, I shot myself. I shot myself to make sure it was all over. I needed the pain to be gone because I couldn’t face the pain of losing him for real.