This morning I heard the news….
Chris Cornell, lead frontman from the band Soundgarden, and then later Audioslave, was dead at the age of 52. Cause of death, apparent suicide. Upon hearing the news, I cried. I didn’t know Chris personally, but I imagined the pain he must have been through, the loneliness and disconnection he must have felt in his final hours.
People say that Chris showed no outward signs of depression. He had given a great concert just hours before and he seemed in good spirits. He had spoken to his wife and was still in sobriety. Friends say that everything seemed to be going very well for Chris. Yet, just a couple of hours after the concert, Chris took his life.
Why am I writing about this? I am writing about this because last year, June 10th, 2016, I attempted to take my own life. I took enough pills to get the job done. I googled exactly how many pills it would take to get the job done. I took that amount and then some. By all accounts I shouldn’t even by alive to type this. Yet somehow, I survived. I spent the next day vomiting and sleeping right next to the toilet. To weak and out of it to walk back and forth to bed.
What I want to share with you is this. If you would have asked anyone around me if they would have known I was in such a state of mind, if I displayed any signs of depression, and clues, they would have told you no. I still put on my “happy face” every day, I still smiled. Got out of bed, showered, did my hair and make up. Little did anyone know, I was drowning a little bit deeper and deeper everyday. I started becoming afraid of going out of my house, although I still did, but not before throwing up and trying to push away the feelings of impending doom that comes with anxiety.
You see, suicide isn’t always cryptic messages, or cries for help. It isn’t always withdrawing from friends and family. It isn’t always sadness, and isolation. Sometimes suicide is throwing another great concert in Detroit, Michigan, and talk of the next performance in the next town or getting out of bed and doing your make up and smiling. It’s about not wanting to burden anyone with your problems so you keep them all to yourself. It’s trying to not look defective, or broken. It’s ultimately trying to look like your okay and got your crap together, just like everyone else. Until you realize something, EVERYBODY is broken, defective, and NOT OKAY in some way. Some people just have a better way of hiding it than others!
I have decided today, right here on Medium, to make my official writing debut. Yes, I know, there are probably some issues with grammar and punctuation and all that stuff that I know I need to improve on, and I promise to get better in time, but more importantly, I have decided exactly what kind of writer I want to be. I want to be….drum roll please…..I want to be a broken, imperfect, defective, full of flaws, has her share of daily struggles, and not even remotely close to having her crap together writer! I want anyone who is reading this, who feels alone and disconnected and in pain to know that I care about you. I don’t want you to give up. I want you to know that as your walking down what seems to be a very lonely painful path, I am there, holding your hand as I too go through my own struggles. You are not alone.
It’s in all that pain and lonelinesss that connects each and every one of us. Rich or poor. Black or white. Male or female. I have decided that if I am going to be a writer, I want to be an honest writer. I have been through some pretty bad stuff in my life. And although I didn’t have control over much of the bad crap I have been through and continue to struggle with, I do have a choice of what I am going to do with those experiences, and struggles. Will I use them as a crutch or a tool?
I don’t want to be rich, nor do I want to be famous. What I think would be even better than winning the Nobel Peace Prize? The day somebody, even if it’s just one person, tells me that they read something I wrote, and because of that, they did not give up. Thats it. That I made a difference in someones life in a positive way. That right there, will be the cherry on top of my sundae.
I will be sharing my story little by little here on Medium. You will get to know the many layers that make me….me! You will also get to meet a few of my issues as well. ADHD, depression, Complex PTSD, anxiety, and also my battle with drug addiction along with all kinds of not fun things I have been through in life, and hopefully, by sharing my truth, my story, I can help anyone out there from feeling alone, and disconnected. I want to make suicide go away one day. Can I? I sure as hell am going to try my hardest while I am walking this earth….Thank you for taking the time to read this.
This post is dedicated to the memory and legacy of Chris Cornell 7/20/64–5/17/17
“On a cobweb afternoon
In a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess
I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading how we’ll die alone
And if we’re good, we’ll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go”-
- Like A Stone-