Preparing for Trauma Healing, EMDR therapy
Where does one begin? Researching reveals conflicts of efficacy for EMDR, and that leaves a survivor of childhood sexual trauma to, again, fend for themselves. I’m a father, actually quite into the other side of middle age, I woke to my full onset ptsd from being raped age 16, last summer of 2016.
The awakening manifested from being a prolific reader of blogs and news. There was so much in recent years about Jacob Wetterling. They had a lead, were following it and when I finally read something that sparked my woken state, his murderer was convicted! No correlation in my mind, other than, there it was, childhood molestation! A trigger!
I awaken:
One day, I read a blog post from a father. He recounted how eventually his instincts as a father led him to act upon suspicion his daughter was being sexually abused. He and his wife were separated or divorced, but his awareness, his sensitivity, his love and compassion to act upon his daughter’s trauma cues; that affected me viscerally. I had not had that, a protector, though living with one or the other of my divorced parents, neither noticed how distraught I was. How I changed. I guess, I didn’t change enough?!
The past is what it is, my history is more than half played out. I have been married longer than before I married and I have one grown, and one 12 year old child, by the same partner. When I woke, with visceral emotion to my rape, it was 39 years after the fact. The two perpetrators were foreign students, and long since gone. I didn’t know their names. Most of that is now processed, what’s not processed are the things I’m seeking EMDR for.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy, is best explained by those in the field. Read this link: http://www.emdr.com/
What I’ve begun to do, after reading what subjects of that therapy do to prepare, is start writing. This is about having a level playing field in my thoughts, to process deep emotional distractions and impediments. I’ve decided to work on it in public. This will be the second place I’m doing this. I think it can trigger some survivors and sensitive people. I also think it might seem an invitation to those who perceive a weakness in someone, to behave oddly. That will be discerned and the person will be ignored, thoroughly!
This beginning is the prehistory of my story. It’s parts of my story that relate how I perceive myself growing up. It’s just facts, I’m not working on emotions with this, that is done with EMDR. This is a story of my life, and this excerpt is as early as I can recall, to just before I recount ages 12–13. I stop before the real trauma enters my life. I will post Part II when I’m ready.
Thank you.
This is what I wrote for Part I:
“Preparing for EMDR:
Getting started I’ll need to be specific to all the memories I have about the particular trauma. An incident like my rape is an obvious start to me. It seems recounting it, then thinking of something negative about myself, and something positive about myself is needed during the preparation and specific to the sessions. However, to sort my life up to, through and past the trauma, I’m going for a full timeline style.
It Begin- I want to list all the possible categories of trauma I can recall:
Spanked with a belt earliest memories 4–5 yrs old. 1965–66.
Seeing my dad hit my mom, in the kitchen, it appeared he was beating her on the back? I was about 5 yrs old and that means about 1966.
We’re in Mpls., Mn after moving twice(?). I recall being afraid after seeing 2 women inside a smashed car. They hit or were hit by a garbage truck. There was blood all over them, and I’m pretty sure I saw bone. I was walking by, probably from school. I happened to be there, and looked into the car window. I was probably 5–6, Likely 6 because we lived in Mpls. At least 3 schools by now.
I don’t recall much about school until 3rd grade. It might have been Ok? What I do recall at about age 7–8 is that I had a very bad fever for about 2 weeks and stayed home to take care of myself. I made soup. I took aspirin myself. I watched some t.v. and layed on the couch or bed.
Not long after that, I had a bad reaction to something and my legs locked up one morning. A neighbor lady looked after me that day. Probably 4–5 schools thus far.
During this same time-frame, and this is a memory and reflection of what and why I did this, I tried to do things that made me a good boy? I stayed up after my 2 siblings went to bed and cleaned. My mom went out, apparently to play piano for pay? I organized a large end table that had two large drawers. I organized the piano bench sheet music. I wiped the bathroom sink or something. this would still be around age 6–7.
There is a nightmare that started around this time too. The nightmare stayed with me for at least a decade. I would be walking on the sidewalk away from the house to the street sidewalk. A hole would suddenly open up and I would fall in. It was just narrow enough in diameter that I could put my arms out to stop my fall. But, unseen hands started grabbing my ankles and pulling me down.
3rd grade, the 6th school, has a few memories. The first is probably where my dad showed up and I didn’t get to see him, he talked to mom outside. I watched through the window! Soon after, my mom was gone for about a week in the hospital and my grandma took care of us for that week. I made a few friends too. It seemed there was a small amount of positive this year. However, I also have 2 bad memories.
1) I wasn’t allowed to get up from class to use the bathroom and peed myself. I walked home, or to the babysitter, I don’t recall?
2) I think this used to be a stronger memory, but has faded. I was molested, or part of a small group that participated with some guy. I think he did things to himself, but we were in various stages of nakedness? I have no clear memory of any of this. It’s been a vague memory now, for many decades.
4–6th grades, the 7th school, I became isolationist. I made a few friends, and had a fairly easy going pattern of doing things. I played some sports and seemed to enjoy it. I tried to do well in school. I recall how I needed reassurance from the teachers that I was doing things right. I also recall that I tried to explain I was doing good things. This extended stay in one school, my reflection is, why don’t I recall names of more than two classmates? Why don’t I recall any teacher? In me, the reflection leads to an idea that I didn’t believe in permanence. Things are always transitory, don’t get too close.
7th-8th grade, 8th school?, are two years that in my mind, I label as living hell.”
To be continued -
