How To Be Vulnerable In a Relationship
It’s easy to pretend try the torturous side of being yourself
Your upbringing with a strong sense of scarcity has a way of meddling with your future relationship. The society hasn’t made it easy either. Some things you say.
“Am not good enough.”
“You are not rich enough.”
“Am not beautiful enough.”
Those issues manifest into your adult life when least expect it — in a relationship. How does your childhood life have to do with your intimate relationship?
“For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.” By John Connolly.
You have vulnerability issues when
You don’t trust anyone
Fear being hurt.
Dread exposing some of your personality
Fear of other people perceptions.
You have an emotion-phobia- (the fear of avoiding difficult emotions in oneself and others).
The need to feel safe and in control of your emotions.
Fear of betrayal/abandoned
So what dictates choices you make?
Your resilience for intimacy stems from the situations of your childhood. If your parents, friends or siblings were not dependable, truthful, and judgmental and made you feel uptight, you are deemed to only trust yourself.
The thought of being vulnerable makes you feel naked and foolish. Eventually, your weakness in relationships pushes you to become self-protective without momentous “inner repair,” you miss filling your reservoirs with joy and laughter of an intimate relationship which will constrain.
You live a miserable life in hope your best friend or partner won’t abandon you. It scares you that the marriage and relationship will break once your mask is off — of whom you truly are.
The truth is — fear multiplies.
The fright of being vulnerable and being perceived as weak holds you back into revealing who you are — robbing you the opportunity to be yourself and open connection and enjoy true intimacy.
The first step toward the right direction is being bold enough and taking the risk of letting down the guard. Is it worth being loved by millions of “friends” for who you aren’t? A few months ago Twitter purge on bots followers showed authenticity and transparency, many brand influencers who had used other means of inflating followers’ numbers, lost most. Some lost over 500,000 followers. This came as a shock and surprise.
When you closely examine your life that’s where you are.
Is it worth it?
Your life gets complicated with the need of belonging with those that you love rather than fitting in. You fall in love expecting authentic love, connection, and openness and yet, you do it with hesitations. You strive to be perfect but underneath you are just protecting your shame, past issues, a guilty conscience, judgments, rejection, and criticism-but to what end?
Being perfect and “walking on eggshells” only drains you the energy. How you move through the adversity is the test of your reaction and pro-activeness. A professor and a researcher, Brené Brown put it at TED talk.
“Vulnerable is absolutely at the core of fear, anxiety, shame and difficult emotions we all experience but vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, love, and belonging, creativity and faith and it becomes problematic when we lose vulnerability.”
However, you can only be vulnerable in a healthy relationship with boundaries but, the chances of getting hurt increases. While it is wise to assess current relationships for any proof of potential harm, foreseeing it to happen can lead to pre-qualified confirmation.
But how and when should you be vulnerable?
There’s no better place or formula for being vulnerable than when you speak unapologetic, clear and precise, understand the risks involved, and don’t give a damn what others think of you as a far it coming from a place of speaking the truth.
I know speaking truthfully hurts, but I see no harm in laying out your fears and insecurities on the table and talking about it. I also know the people in your inner circle that give a sense of true belonging and intimacy are the only one entitled to untethered honest — but others aren’t.
But still -feeling so only acts as “safe haven” and you are right, but that means you will always run from yourself.
Listen to your guts and act, that what it takes to be vulnerable
How can You be vulnerable?
#1: Embrace your past, present & the future self.
The first step of loving yourself requires you accepting your past. It’s a huge step and a daring one. But — give yourself permission to be vulnerable and feel. Those mistakes are a part of you. Being hurt and trusting again is an arduous process but — shutting yourself from feeling and being seen through by someone who may be a potential partner is a waste of time.
“When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from experiencing the purpose and meaning of our lives” by Dr. Brene Brown
Your past got you where you. Understand your life backward but live it forward. Deal with your past — before it catches up with you. Take baby steps, crawl, fall till you walk. Quit blames. Blaming others only takes your power and control of your life. A baby is born with open arms, emulate that, forgive, forget and be happy. Carrying heavy past emotions around your neck only makes you tire.
#2: Be the first to do it
Your emotions are your own responsibility. Learn not to rely on others in personal growth. Be the first to open and cultivate your relationship and grow it at a personal level. You need to be the first one to create an environment you desire. Remember, love is a choice.
Most interpersonal skills require you to do without the help of your partner. In fact, you must be able to do these things when your partner makes it hard to do them. How others treat us is their own karma. Be the bigger person who has the courage to be vulnerable. Just because you feel vulnerable doesn’t mean your partner knows you are. Stop self-sabotaging with assumptions. Vulnerability begets vulnerability.
Have you ever realized the moment you share a secret, the other person always feels obliged to share one?
It’s inspiring and motivating.
To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength. By Criss Jami
#3: Reaffirm emotions and foster attitude
Being vulnerable comes with its share of pain. Confronting those judgments, criticism, and intimidation, you develop mental toughness and discipline. Commit to focus on one positive thing that comes with being vulnerable. However, that doesn’t mean numbing the negative vibe, cry if you have to, and give yourself permission to feel it.
Respect those feels. Need that space — sure. Just don’t fall for perfectionism. Perfection leads to anxiety, addiction, and paralysis according to Dr. Brene Brown. Being vulnerable requires showing the world the flaws. It requires practice. Fostering the right attitude has a way of creating a positive vibe. Just never forget your reasons for wanting to be vulnerable. All those feelings and being vulnerably entangled together brings out the beauty.
Wouldn’t it be beautiful to be?
In love with yourself
Accepted, loved and appreciated for who you are
Feel ownership and a sense of belonging.
Share without fear of judgment.
Be vulnerable regardless of whether or not it will annoy the people around me. It’s only you who knows the benefit of feeling the weight of the moment. I cry a lot to let go the huge weight inside me that doesn’t make me any less of a man. Holding back my pain doesn’t make me a wiser, brave or mature man either.
My relationship fights with my fiancée aren’t about who wins. Rather what is right and what should be. Admitting am wrong is hard. My ego is huge, but — i don’t run from fear of looking soft. Running and numbing those feelings isn’t the answer. It’s that little moment that feels idiotic that matters most in your relationship.
Challenge your beliefs you cling on. Value yourself enough not to betray yourself by holding back and negative comparisons that lead you to resentment.
So — stop being who other people want you to be.
The truth is — they are taken.
You are the answer.
You have nothing to apologize