“God’s Not Dead” — I don’t normally just beat the shit out of the first two minutes of a Kevin Sorbo movie, but in this case I’ll make an exception

Hello, dear ones!

Lifelong non-theist here. (Currently almost 49.)

Hulu has presented me with the opportunity to review a movie with the really trolly title, “God’s Not Dead.”

Description: “When an atheist philosophy professor plans to forego “dusty arguments” in his class, he insists that students declare that “God Is Dead.” Unable to do this, Josh is challenged to defend his faith and prove that God is NOT Dead.”

Oh, boy. Alright, challenge accepted….

It makes perfect sense that the first ad presented before the movie is for CHEESE. Real Good Cheddar!

A HAROLD CRONK film.

Cuz nothing says “FILM” like “Harold Cronk.”

Pretty sure that won’t hold up.

The lazy dazey folky fakey Christian rock over the opening credits features Newsboys. And this movie “stars” Kevin Sorbo somehow.

Ah, see! This is pure awesome. The credits first read “GOD’S DEAD” but then someone with a copy of PhotoShop made a “NOT” appear between the “GOD’S” and “DEAD!” GET IT!??!?! “God’s NOT dead!” I have a feeling that incident will set the tone for whatever subtlety the characters in this “movie” will aspire to be.

Two kids on a college campus are walking together. He kisses she on the forehead. Last time I checked, that does NOT qualify as a Christian side hug.

A really plain looking woman shopping for wine! NOT an analogy for this movie’s intent, I’m sure they promise.

Seriously, some random chick with very plain looks (and fucking SUNGLASSES pushed atop her head? Is it 1982?) is shopping for wine in the first two minutes of the movie. I really hope this isn’t what passes for character development, but I have a feeling.. it DOES.

Literally, 10 seconds of.. was that Lindsay Lohan?… sleeping.. and then BACK to the campus where people are…. nope, doing nothing. I guess the filmmakers are trying to “establish” where they’re at, but they’re really… well, NOWHERE at this point.

Whoa! Random inclusion of a woman wearing a black hajib and her clearly fat bald middle eastern husband in a car!

I wonder if they’re Scientologists?

Oh, but back to the wine shop. And the opening credits “song” mentions the “soul” at this point.

(I’m going to get through this for the sake of this review, but trust me dear reader… I want to punt this movie into Sarah Palin’s cunt so hard right now….)

Middle eastern dude just said something to his wife… child?… in whatever fake Arabic language this movie is pretending Muslims speak in. And Lindsay Lohan is awake saying, “Come on come on come on!” to no one in particular with no frame of reference for the viewer. Meaning me. And by proxy, you.

Okay, the Muslim wife is PROBABLY his daughter. But we’re not sure. After all, it is widely known that Mohammed fucked a nine-year old.

Don’t get mad at me, Muslims. It’s your fucking prophet who fucked a nine-year old. I’m just reporting it.

Oh, boy. The movie just revealed that Lindsay Lohan was waiting for her coffee to warm up in the microwave.

She was TALKING. To her MICROWAVE. When she was saying, “Come on come on come on!”

I guess the timer was broken and she couldn’t see what fucking time SHE HAD SET THE MICROWAVE FOR?!??!?!

Holy shit, this movie is so fucking dumb already!

Hey, know how Mulsim girl spent so much time establishing her character already as a girl who wears a black hijab? She waited until her father was out of distance… and… JUST PEELED IT OFF! IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Christian girls? Don’t even THINK about doing something your father wouldn’t approve of! But Muslim girls? WHATEVS.

Directed by Harold Cronk. Words which will never appear again anywhere.

Two Mormons pretend to be college students in the next scene. One pretends to be enrolling students in… something… on his laptop at a tent outside… while one pretends he’s a student.

The lead kid’s hair could be described whimsically as “what Chris Reeve would have done to make Margo Kidder laugh.”

I’m serious.

And, the kid says he wants to take a specific philosophy course with a very specific teacher the kid clearly knows nothing about, and the douche with the laptop notices the kid wears a very prominent cross (which Jesus would TOTATLLY be cool with, right?!!??!?) then recommends he take another class.. but you know what? THIS is where the movie wants to take me, and the douche with the laptop recommends OTHER teachers for the totally same class at the totally non-descript college!

TAKE ME, movie!

“He can’t be that bad!”

“Think Roman Coliseum! Lions!” says the douche with the laptop.

On second thought, I’m NOT going to review this whole movie. I’m done here. At least, until I get up the energy to submit an entire RiffTrax recording for it.

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