Therapy Session May 22

Went to see Moshe Ratson on Friday.

Talked about the current situation. What Jennifer’s plans were — mostly about the fact that I don’t know her plans except to save money and leave me.

How I was feeling. I told him that my emotions alternate between feeling very tenative and anticipatory, and calm — focused on myself.

Talked about growing up. How no one talked about their feelings or emotions. Things were comfortable & pleasant on the surface but beneath there was.

We were protected from real problems.

I think my life has been a pressure cooker. It goes from one huge expectation to the next. There was never any rest with the expectations.

There certainly was no sense of accomplishment in any period. It was always “on to the next thing.” And it better be some kind of accomplishment. And God forbid if it was a step backwards we can’t talk about those things.

I always felt a heavy weight on myself. These things reinforced each other.

I was the golden boy. It was expected that I make no mistakes. I do well in school, I get good grades, etc.

There was never any rest from this.

In many ways, I still don’t know what a normal, healthy emotional relationship feels like.

I’m not sure I know how to stand up for myself. I’m not sure how to operate if there isn’t a crisis.

I told him about situations from my life when I did worse if there was no external expectation or pressure. In particular times where I had very demanding classes, and then took on another large commitment. Then I did very well at both of them. But if I took one of them individually,

Sometime I looked up to, I never watched them struggle. I never watched them share.

In this, there is not any place for emotions. Only performance and expectations.

Moshe noted that while talking to him I felt a certain degree of “heaviness” and “labor” when it comes to expressing my emotions. Almost like there was a big weight on top of me.

My emotions are bottled up.

I feel a little better right now and calmer about the challenges that I face. It’s almost like I feel unequipped for life.

I should re-read the article about Emotional GPS.

I think I learned from my parents in particular my mother was that there were bad questions. This means my feelings were never validated, they never seemed OK. Bad feelings were always guilty. When I was afraid, disappointed, discouraged, afraid, confused … the answer was always the same — suppress.