Living In Ambiguity.
Why it’s Ok.. and why you will never find your life purpose.
As a 21 year old, a question I get asked more then often is the age old “What are you going to do with your life?” And every time I try to answer with certainty as to what it is I want to do.
“I want to be a personal trainer.”
“I want to be a public speaker.”
“I want to be a youtuber.”
These are all things I’ve wanted to do and have done. When I put my mind to something I achieve it.
At the end of last year this question weighed so heavily on my mind that it consumed my entire headspace. The more I thought about it the more I started to panic and think. This caused me to work harder then ever, 8 hours a day at my day job as a Starbucks Supervisor and 6–8 hours on what I thought was important to achieve my life’s purpose at the time. I was working myself sick, I started to lose weight and neglect my health with the thought that I can achieve my “Life Purpose” in a few months if I worked hard at it.
I remember lying in bed one October night when suddenly I felt like I was fading from my body. My entire being went numb and I began to slip from consciousness. It was as if my soul was being torn apart from my body and I was never going to find my way back to sanity. I began to panic as my heart started racing and sight began to blur, I didn’t know what to do so I called on my mom to pray for me. I remember violently shaking as I sat on the living room couch praying for this to not be the end of my life. I have never felt so mortal in my life. This feeling of complete helplessness hung around for a couple days after that night, and these spells came upon me randomly throughout the next couple months until decided to let go…
I made the decision to leave my position as a Supervisor at Starbucks to take time out to figure out “ What I was going to do with my life.”
It’s been a few months since I’ve been out of the workforce and I’m dwindling down to the last of the money I had set aside as a cushion. It’s been a ride I can tell you that forsure! I recently traveled across the world for 2 weeks and lived in the most rural areas. I have walked down roads no American has ever set foot on. I have seen sunrises and sunsets in the jungle while riding on top of a jeep-nee. I’ve taken the most sketchiest boat rides on sinking canoes.
All to talk to people who know what life is like without the thought of this “question” in mind.
I learned that life isn’t meant to have so much thought involved. The act of thinking takes away from the act of living. I have never seen so much joy in ones life who has virtually nothing. I live in a warm home with all the ammenities I could ever ask for. I have unlimited opportunity just living in the country I live in. How could I be so unsure of my own happiness?
Being away for the time that I was away, with the amazing people I was with taught me a valuable lesson. Life is meant to be experienced as it happens, instead of thinking about the infinite possibilities of what could happen.
Instead of fearing ambiguity, we should embrace it because that’s all we are really promised in life. The Unknown. Life is dynamic and so are we. We change day to day, year to year, minute to minute, and month to month. So the idea of choosing one thing to be set on for your entire life is a joke. Work towards your goals and do your best, but don’t stress yourself out with unreal expectations. As long as you do your best, and accept that nothing is ever written in stone you are that much closer to living in reality.