Them’s fighting words.

Sometimes I think I’m not doing my kids any favors. I’m teaching them that there are a lot of rules in the world. This isn’t always kind because they get very disappointed when other people aren’t following the same rules.

Like fighting games.

I have incredibly strict rules about fighting games. First and most important:

YOU NEVER STRIKE A NON-COMBATANT.

What that means is, unless someone has agreed out loud using words that they want to fight and they are holding a weapon… you can’t hit them. Period. Someone must be holding a weapon before you fight them. There has to be a verbal exchange of words, “Do you want to play a fighting game?” or you are commiting assault.

I tell my kids that babies are allowed to behave any way they want — including whacking people they barely know — because babies are trying to figure out the world. People tell them to stop and that’s appropriate. But babies don’t get in trouble for hitting without permission.

Kids are in a mixed place. It’s not ok to hit without permission but the consequenses are low. This is a safe time to find out what happens when you hit: you get in trouble. Children should get in trouble when they hit people without permission. It is wrong.

Because once you become an adult if you hit people without permission you are committing a crime and you deserve to go to jail. Jail really sucks. It is a good idea to learn how to control your temper while the consequences are mostly your parents yelling at you.

That means that we have a procedure around fighting games. And other kids don’t follow it and sometimes that makes my kids cry. I tell my kids that I’m not the mom of other kids and they’ve probably never been told the rules in the same way.

We do it this way:

If you want to play a fighting game, look around and see if any one is already holding a weapon. If no one is holding a weapon, you can gather a collection of sticks and bring a weapon to offer someone.

You walk up to the kid you want to play with and say, “Excuse me — would you like to play a pretend fighting game?”

If the kid says “No” then you say “Ok” and ask “Well, what kind of game would you like to play then?” You don’t insist. You never have the right to hit someone and insisting makes it sound like you think you do. That’s messed up. Don’t do it.

If you get hit on accident during the game, don’t flip out. You chose to play a fighting game and sometimes people get whacked. It is how the games go. If you can’t handle it, say: “Time out. I need a break to calm down.”

Don’t get super upset and then “hit the person back” to punish them. That is not acceptable. If you can’t hit in a fun way you shouldn’t be hitting.

I love you. I want you to play safely. Not just your safety matters to me — you need to learn how to play safely with other people. Be respectful of their bodies. They matter as much as you.