Martina Navratilova Should NEVER Have Played Against Women m [**SATIRE**]

Many readers have probably heard that Martina Navratilova, one of my teen idols (dare I add “and heartthrobs”) has taken it upon herself to be point-man for the TERF-inspired** effort to ban transwomen from women’s sports because of allegedly “unfair advantages.”

So I think it’s finally time to point out that Martina never should have been allowed to compete against women herself.

To begin with, anyone who saw Martina during her heyday saw that she had the tall, muscle-y upper body and legs of a truck driver. No one would have been surprised to see tattoos on one arm that said “Peterbilt 18-Wheeler” and “NRA” on the other. The word on the WTA tour was that she was the only player who chewed Skoal tobacco and spit juice while playing tournaments rumor was that the grounds crews had to hose down the lawns at Wimbledon after her matches).

Okay, I exaggerate. But still, let’s be honest: she made every women on tour look like a FemBot from Austin Powers. It’s part of what made her so hot.

As long-time rival Chrissy Evert put it diplomatically, Martina’s “ superb athleticism and aggressiveness … brought athleticism to a whole new level…”

Here’s a loose translation for the uninitiated: “Martina had big, manly muscles in places most of us on the women’s tour didn’t even have places. She was so aggressive on and off course we kept our hands away from her mouth because two careless players had already been bitten. Playing her was like competing against Arnold Schwarzenegger in culottes.”

While straight girls in sports worry about a bead sweat messing up their mascara or lipstick, lesbians worry they aren’t sweating enough to make the deep, rugged striations rippling across the

But wait — as they say on infomercials — there’s more!

Martina actually did enjoy YUUUGE biological and genetic advantages from the day of her birth which she never talks about much.

Her father was a professional ski instructor. Her mother was an gymnast, tennis player, AND professional ski instructor. Her freakin’ GRANDMOTHER played for the Czechoslovak Tennis Federation and was ranked №2! (2) And no doubt her professional athlete parents could train, feed, and coach her ever day of her life. She turned pro at 14 for god’s sake!

All I ever wanted was to be a professional tennis player. But I was condemned to be born to two athletically-challenged uncoordinated nerds. And at 14, I was still learning how to walk and burp a the same time– she was already completing on the international tour against adult women and banking the Benjamins.

I mean, what chance would a transwoman like me have against a chromosomally-gifted kid like Martina, who won the genetic lottery even before she was born?

So before you fire up your server to send me a flamemail, let say that this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek and that whatever she says, Martina will remain one of the great athletes of all time. She broke down barriers during her time, and inspired a generation of women — gay and straight… but obviously not trans.

Martina had to bear the brunt of no only homophobic comments but also genderphobic ones as well towards her unusual muscularity as well as her being out as bisexual and then as a lesbian. We adore our female athletes, as long as they look like girls from a Bud-Lite ad.

ALL of us are born with physical advantages and disadvantages, as well as biological and genetic ones. There is no level playfield.

Every professional athletes is born unnaturally gifted in multiple ways. Michael Phelps has an unnatural wingspan, is hyper-jointed in his chest (so he can kick from his chest not only his ribs) and has double-jointed ankles that rotate much farther than anyone else’s. World-class marathoners like Brigid Kosgei or Eliud Kipchoge can turn out 5-minute mile after 5-minute mile without their lungs burning and their muscles aching, as would happen with you or me. They are essentially aerobic machines, born with hyper-charged metabolisms that the rest of us can only dream of, no matter how hard we train.

Tennis star Sebastian Korda’s two parents were pros, and his two sisters are professional golfers. No one ever told him he had “unfair advantages.” No one told 7'2" , Han Xu of the New York Libery that she’s “too tall” to play in the WNBA because it’s “unfair” to the shorter women (which is all of them, snce she’s the tallest player). And no one told decathlon winners like Bruce Jenner ….okay, not a great example.

But still, you get my point.

There IS no “level playing field” in competition; there are only some kinds of genetic advantages we accept, so they get baked in.

And in the case of transathletes, cisgender people make the rules and the unfairness of THEIR bodies and THEIR genetic histories are what gets baked into that anti-trans pie.

As Megan Rapinoe just said in TIME: “Show me the evidence that trans women are taking everyone’s scholarships, are dominating in every sport, are winning every title. I’m sorry, it’s just not happening. So we need to start from inclusion, period.”

So give it a rest Martina. Yes, you hit a home run in your tennis career (mixing metaphors here, but going with it….) but genetically, biologically, and athletically, you were also born halfway to third base.

How about giving the rest of us “guys” a chance to at least get to first?

(1) Sex Hormone Levels in Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Women: Systematic Review and Exploratory Meta-Analysis by Alexandra Harris, Susan Bewley & Catherine Meads

Archives of Sexual Behavior volume 49, pages 2405–2420 (2020)

(2) Wikipedia, Martina Navratilova

Riki Wilchins is a transgender woman who wishes she could have played professional tennis and who writes tongue-in-cheek articles from time to time. She has many unfair advantages when competing athletically against her dachshund, Churro y Chocolate, who consider\s her “vertically-challenged.”

Martina Navratilova Should Never Have Played Against Women

Many readers have probably heard that Martina Navratilova, one of my teen idols (dare I add “and heartthrobs”) has taken it upon herself to be point-man for the TERF-inspired** effort to ban transwomen from women’s sports because of allegedly “unfair advantages.”

So I think it’s finally time to out that Martina never should have been allowed to compete against women herself.

To begin with, anyone who saw Martina during her heyday saw that she had the tall, muscle-y upper body and legs of a truck driver. No one would have been surprised to see tattoos on one arm that said “Peterbilt 18-Wheeler” and “NRA” on the other. The word on the WTA tour was that she was the only player who chewed Skoal tobacco and spit even while playing tournaments (the rumor was that the grounds crews had to hose down the lawns at Wimbledon after her matches).

Okay, I exaggerate. But still, let’s be honest: she made every women on tour look like a FemBot from an Austin Powers movie. It’s part of what made her so hot. As long-time rival Chrissy Evert put it diplomatically, Martina’s “ superb athleticism and aggressiveness … brought athleticism to a whole new level…” Here’s a loose translation for the uninitiated: “Martina had big, manly muscles in places most of us on the women’s tour didn’t even have places yet. She was so aggressive on and off course we kept our hands away from her mouth because two careless players had already been bitten. Playing her was like competing against Arnold Schwarzenegger in culottes.”

Martina had another advantage because veryone knows that lesbians like to climb trees, shoot guns, drive pickups, roll in the dirt, and wrestle with boys (if an alligator isn’t handy). While straight girls in sports worry about a stray bead sweat messing up their mascara or lipstick, lesbians worry they aren’t sweating enough to make the deep, rugged striations rippling across their deltoids stand out.

If you took all the lesbians out the women’s tennis tour, there wouldn’t be enough players left to hold up both ends of the net. If you took all the lesbians out the WNBA, the league wouldn’t have enough players for pick-up games of one-on-one. If you took all the lesbians off of the women’s golf tour — well, I’m looking at YOU, Dinah Shore Weekend. Hear those crickets chirping? You might as well starting brewing tea in those 18 tin-cups.

But wait — as they say on infomercials — there’s more!

Martina enjoyed YUGE biological and genetic advantages from the day of her birth she never talks about much. Her father was a professional ski instructor. Her mother was an gymnast, tennis player, AND professional ski instructor. Her freakin’ GRANDMOTHER played for the Czechoslovak Tennis Federation and was ranked №2! (2) And no doubt her professional athlete parents could train, feed, and coach her ever day of her life. She turned pro at 14 for god’s sake!

All I ever wanted was to be a professional tennis player. But I was condemned to be born to two athletically-challenged uncoordinated nerds. And at 14, I was still learning how to walk and burp a the same time– she was already completing on the international tour against adult women and banking the Benjamins. I mean, what chance would a transwoman like me have against a chromosomally-gifted kid like Martina, who won the genetic lottery even before she was born?

So before you fire up your server to send me a flamemail, let say that this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek and that whatever she says, Martina will remain one of the great athletes of all time. She broke down barriers during her time, and inspired a generation of women — gay and straight… but obviously not trans.

Martina had to bear the brunt of no only homophobic comments but also genderphobic ones as well towards her unusual muscularity as well as her being out as bisexual and then as a lesbian. We adore our female athletes, as long as they look like girls from a Bud-Lite ad.

ALL of us are born with physical advantages and disadvantages, as well as biological and genetic ones. There is no level playfield.

This hasn’t stopped FINA, the international swimming federation, from just banning transwomen who haven’t been continuously on hormone suppression since 12. This creates the perfect bind with TERFs and rignt-wingers in the US and UK working furiously to make sure trans kids can’t GET hormone blockers. Moreover, it means any transwoman is already past 12 is permanently banned.

Every professional athletes is born unnaturally gifted in multiple ways. Michael Phelps has an unnatural wingspan, is hyper-jointed in his chest (so he can kick from his chest not only his ribs) and has double-jointed ankles that rotate much farther than anyone else’s. World-class marathoners like Brigid Kosgei or Eliud Kipchoge can turn out 5-minute mile after 5-minute mile without their lungs burning and their muscles aching, as would happen with you or me. They are essentially aerobic machines, born with hyper-charged metabolisms that the rest of us can only dream of, no matter how hard we train.

Tennis star Sebastian Korda’s two parents were pros, and his two sisters are professional golfers. No one ever told him he had “unfair advantages.” Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain is still the only player to score 100 points in a single basketball game, but no one said he couldn’t play because he was too tall and too fast. No one told Randy Johnson he couldn’t pitch because 6’ 10” guys who throw 100+ mph fireballs from the mound “aren’t fair.” And no one told decathlon winners like Bruce Jenner ….okay, not a great example. But still, you get my point.

There IS no “level playing field” in competition; there are only some kinds of genetic advantages we accept, so they get baked in. And in the case of transathletes, cisgender people make the rules.

In the Guardian Martina recently said she tries to to “do the right thing,” not the popular one. Defending transathletes may not be popular, but it is right. As Megan Rapinoe just said in TIME: “Show me the evidence that trans women are taking everyone’s scholarships, are dominating in every sport, are winning every title. I’m sorry, it’s just not happening. So we need to start from inclusion, period.”

What is particularly galling is that this is coming to a head over Lia Thomas, who is a great swimmer. Transwomen have competed for decades in sports, but you don’t see us as sweeping the medals platforms in events. Castor Semenya, an intersex women who supposedly has “too much” testosterone, recently finished 13th out of16 in a qualifying heat for the women’s World 5,000m. So much for the Testosterone Is Destiny theory Ms. N seems to favor so.

Give it a rest Martina. Yes, you hit a home run in your tennis career (mixing metaphors here but going with it….) but genetically, biologically, and athletically, you were also born halfway to third base. How about giving the rest of us “guys” a chance to at least get to first?

** Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists

(1) Sex Hormone Levels in Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Women: Systematic Review and Exploratory Meta-Analysis by Alexandra Harris, Susan Bewley & Catherine Meads. Archives of Sexual Behavior volume 49, pages 2405–2420 (2020)

(2) Wikipedia, Martina Navratilova

Riki Wilchins is a transgender woman who wishes she could have played professional tennis and who writes tongue-in-cheek articles from time to time. She has many unfair advantages when competing athletically against her dachshund, Churro y Chocolate, who consider\s her “vertically-challenged.”