How I left everything to feel left out
Hello. This will be my first post on Medium, a website a teacher of mine recommended me.
I am on exchange student from Denmark, currently living in Lebanon. It has been tough, I’m not going to lie about that.
I arrived to the pearl of the middle east saturday night 10 PM. I got my first impression from the staffs uniforms in Beirut’s Airport. They looked like something from the military, was my first thought. In the Taxi on the way to my Hotelroom my mouth was wide open, all the while my brain capacity was working overtime, hopelessly trying to follow the overwhelming amount of sensory input which was thrown at me through the window in the backseat of the Taxi.
I arrived tires, overwhelmed and without being able to describe my feelings with more concrete words. Most of all I didn’t know what to feel, or what to do. The feeling of loneliness got me in contact with the world online, all the while I let the outside exist without my perception of it. I limited my attention inside the hotel, and the social Medias frames.
I got drunk, danced in the shower, watched Netflix and facetimed with my mom and boyfriend, slept four hours and woke up the next day for my check-out at noon. I didn’t know where to go from here, and had no Idea where I would spends the next couple of nights. I broke down, called my boyfriend, yelled at him for not being able to help me, I cried, and I was completely freaked out and scared.
I had never been in a Situation like this, and had I slept more, or have I had the comfort of the Wifi, I properly would have been able to handle the situation more delicately and in a slightly less chaotic mood. But I this time I could not see what me next move would be, and the only thing I wanted to do, was to lie in a bed. I left the Hotel, and without the secure walls of the Hotelroom and the security the internet brings you, I found myself forced to trough myself at my first real meeting with Beirut. No. way. back. I was almost to tired to carry myself, and didn’t even have a chair to sit on.
One of the first things I had to expose my senses to (which where already completely overworked) was the sight of Tanks and men in uniforms with machine guns on the open street, on every corner.
I have now been in Beirut for 5 days. For the first time since I got here I have successfully slept for eight whole hours! I’m still lacking sleep, and everyday I experience something new, so I’m still very exhausted all the time. I woke up happy today, but every time I go to class, it feels like I’m being reminded that I still don’t have any friends here. It feels like I need to prepare myself for a friendsless semester. The other danes here in Lebanon all seems very busy, and I find myself waiting for the day to end alot of the time.
I can still feel it getting a little bit easier to adapt every day, so I guess I’m just gonna have to be patient.
Sometimes, I can can’t help but wonder why I would leave my ‘’perfect’’ (here, I’m referring to perfect as a world with some sort of social life) to come here and feel left out. Maybe I just need to leave the social media, and start building up a social life, down here.