Feeling

Feeling has eluded my presence for 22 years, not the feeling of physical touch but, the emotional presence that flows through other people. Many people that I talk to , it is obvious that their brain is functioning or a singular part of their brain is working, when mine is not. Is it a missing chemical? Maybe a hormone deficiency of some sort?

Not being able to communicate on an emotional level is very frustrating for myself, I feel no remorse, regret, boundaries, love or happiness… I feel nothing. Everything that enters my brain provokes only black and white answers, no filter to consider other peopes feelings, or the possible aftershock that could come from my mouth and result in a negative expierence for that individual.

I can tell that my brain is missing something, the only time I ever feel anything is when I am stoned. The only time I am able to laugh a lot more than I would sober, not because of the side effects of cannbis- although it does play a minor role- but, because of the beauty, happiness, and love that distinguishes itself from all other forms when I am high.

Waking up with no thoughts, no idea what you want to do is a mysterious thing, you awake with no thoughts- not even hunger or ambition to do anything. It’s like this all day, no thoughts, if it were not for habits that haven been formed, I do not know what I would do. You can ask yourself any question you want but, the only answer truly is…I do not know. Eventually you just start doing anything- becoming a yes man- just to do something that might reset your brain.

Knowing that a part of my brain is not functioning optimally bothers myself immensely, knowing that my brain can function at an extremely high level- especially with psilocybin- interests myself. However I am not sure what the obstacle I am encountering is, like I said, there are certain communication our output problems occuring im my brain and I do not know what to do yet.