Disclaimer: Most students do not disclose what it feels like to start over abroad on their own. Let me be clear, it is scary and only strong-hearted can take it! Be proud of yourself.
Ha! To be frank, it’s a haziness that I felt for a day or two after I landed at the John F Kennedy International Airport in New York (Yes, you are right, I boast about it a lot!) Of course, what else would you expect after a 20-hour flight? Also, my ego did not let me accept the fact that I was jet-lagged, and I forced myself to be awake during the NY day times and sleep at night. However, it caught up to me by the sixth day when I realized I had skipped two days(thanks to my roommates, I had at least one meal in 48 hours, which remains a hazy memory or an implanted one)!
Don’t you worry; this is not the story I’m gonna focus on(I’m getting the hang of American English, which my high school English teacher hated and didn’t want us to follow!).
Let me shift gears now. I would like to focus on how I feel and how I am surviving(kinda) such a huge change in life. I am currently a Master’s student in the United States. I came from the evergreen, sunny, and rejoicing land of Kerala to the arid, freezing, and gloomy Maryland (Yes, I came in during the winter, and it’s not gloomy anymore). Of course, America is rich that even the washrooms are air-conditioned, but who knew that one could not survive otherwise!
We say that denial is the first stage of grief. I would say that it is the first stage of any change in our life. For the first month, I lived in complete denial. I never even thought much about home or returning home, I just showed up for classes and stayed alive.
However, this stage tends to wear out pretty quickly. I came into senses by the second month. But this time, I forced myself into denial, or I tried hard to. Anyway, It was a failure.
I started retrospecting a lot about my life and my future. Even my instagram feed became too dark to scroll down (I’m sure you too have felt that google/instagram can read your mind!). Reels pop up saying, “The Things I Realized After Coming To US”. I wonder if my thoughts are actually rooted on these.
I will be a foreigner back at home.
I will be the daughter, the sister, the niece, or the cool aunt from America who brings iPhones and Ferrero Rochers.
Everyone has to adjust to make room for me in my own house.
Flying back and forth consumes so much energy.
I won’t be able to take the extreme heat and sweat anymore.
I never knew that I could live lonely for this long.
My right-hand driving skills will go down in the drain.
My best ones will become friends, friends will become classmates, and classmates will become acquaintances.
I am sorry, if I pulled you too to the dark side with me! I can’t help rewinding these over and over in my brain. However, a few of these are already true. You must be thinking, “Dude, why did you even fly abroad!?”
Don’t get me wrong. All these sacrifices are rewarded in more attractive ways.
I get to live a life of my dreams. No one judges me for my choices, or restrain me from my actions.
I meet a lot of people from different places, different lifestyles, and different cultures. I have friends from all around the world!
Beside the geographic and cultural differences, I get to know different people! Those whose views and ideologies resonant with mine or those who make me think beyond my horizon.
I get to be free and independent, which I value to be a golden reward.
I know my strengths and weaknesses better now and I make sure that they make me stronger at the end of the day.
I feel closer to my family, because there is no way that I skip talking to them everyday, which was far less appreciated when we were physically closer.
The emotional turmoil during this changing phase is, however, unavoidable. On the bright side, that’s what makes me stronger each day. Some days, I just wake up and feel that I am restrained to my bed, but pushes myself up and demands to pull it together. The same me on the next day feels at the top of the world. Just wakes up with as much energy so as to take on the world.
It has never been easy and I never expected it to be so. I motivate myself to stay consistent and focused because no one but me would do that and with that said,
I am learning to be my own person.