I’ve come to terms that I’m going through a breakup. One that leaves me feeling emotionally distraught at random times during the day. One that has me waking up at dawn wondering where my life is headed. One that has me questioning my identity, my purpose in life or even what the fuck I’m going to do on a daily basis. My calendar is empty. My creativity is dwindling. My sense of happiness is cloudy.
I’ve broken up with my business and I can’t help but wonder what’s next. Times like these, times of transition, are hard as hell. I recently spent over a week in the jungle and beaches of Panama searching for some answers. I went with a group of individuals (aka changemakers/pioneers/leaders or what I like to call high-functioning hippies), and we connected over impromptu workshops, personal story times, cuddle puddles and more. You get the idea. It was an eye opening experience — one where I’ve never felt so vulnerable and open to share my emotions. I’ve always had this block or wall against speaking how I really feel or simply emoting…well my emotions. “Use your words Melissa…” a friend used to tell me as I would stand there lacking any sense of eye contact and at the verge of a physical breakdown. Something about looking weak, feeling inferior or “girly” has grown into a serious adult problem. At times, I don’t know if I’m being genuine enough, if I’m missing out on potentially fruitful relationships or if my lack of self-empathy is hindering that sense of happiness I’m still searching for. For someone who in the past year began to represent a strong female leader, I feel the complete opposite in reality.
I’m not one to outwardly be or feel depressed. I’m typically a cheery, happy-go-lucky type of gal. I love to make jokes and I love to make people laugh. But I’m at this current crossroads in life where I seriously have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m slowly selling everything I own and each time I make a sale, this thought crosses my mind about whether or not I’m making the right decision. I worked so hard to create this Pinterest-friendly dream lifestyle, and now I’m saying goodbye to it all.
I’m finally admitting to myself that I have a tendency to runaway. I grew up moving around multiple states and always starting over. My parents themselves moved continent from continent, always in the constant cycle of change and rebirth due to my father’s dream of continued education. This tabula rasa as I call it has been inscribed into my very DNA. But when does it stop? When do I fulfill my parents wishes of just “settling down.” Maybe never.
I have a new idea everyday — which I’m realizing is not helpful. Hey, maybe I’ll travel the world and volunteer with different charities. Maybe I’ll just move to New York and live that fast-paced life that looks so fun on the outside. Maybe Los Angeles is calling my name and I can have some fun in the sun. The options are so open that they’re scary. I’m scared to make such a big move on my own without the influence of my parent’s natural migration. I’m scared about my need for starting over and running away and whether or not the answers I’m looking for are actually right in front of me, staring me dead in the eye. It would save me a lot of money and stress honestly, if it were that easy. But the universe doesn’t work like that, or it doesn’t seem to.
So what do I do? A good friend of mine suggested I start to keep a scorecard. Start keeping track of patterns, goals and dreams. Do I want to start reading more books? (Yes.) Then start tracking how much I read everyday. Do I want to start getting healthier and in shape? (Yes.) Then start keeping track of how much I run. Do I want to start doing things that make me happy? (Yes.) Then create a new bucket list and start checking those off.
My hope for this piece is that others in transition can hopefully relate to this mysterious black hole I’m slowly sinking myself into and we can help each other climb out. The internet has always been a great place for that support. However, if you’re in the Philly area, let’s meet. Let’s chat. Let’s just be. I could use some new energy in my life and I promise to provide an equal amount of fun conversation and experience to add to your life.
Upwards and onward, and let’s move on past this breakup.