SOCIAL SAVVY #14: THE CHEMICAL BIAS. DRINKING VS. IMPROVING
Hey all. Welcome to the next episode!
Today I want to move a little deeper into your outer game, when you are out the door, and at a venue on a Friday or Saturday night and you are around mind altering substances, whether they be alcohol or even drugs.
This was a big part of what I liked to do one the weekend for a long time. Work all week, be super pumped for Friday, go out, hit the bottle real hard, start smoking, hit on girls, make new friends, have a blast and then….wake up, with scattered memories. This lead to then, ordering some form of fast food delivery because I was too hungover to get up off my ass and go out. I’d just hide out, until someone else hit me up with a Saturday plan and I’d head out again not feeling 100%, but nothing a beer or two couldn’t set straight. Sunday I’d, spend on my back again hungover and eating garbage, and I’d slowly recover throughout the working week.
Yep, I’m sure you’ve heard. The best way to cure a hangover? Keep drinking!
Not to blow it out of proportion but you can already see the cycle of self-destruction. The unsatisfaction of life, leads to looking forward to off days, which leads to drinking, which leads to smoking, which leads to dutch courage approaches SOMETIMES, which lead to sometimes getting some action, but whether I did or not, that lead to eating crap 2 out of 7 days of the week, which leads naturally to being overweight or having a beer slash fast food gut. Throw this on repeat for 52 weeks a year and the odd mid-week binge and it is a recipe for disaster.
We all know the downsides of alcohol and what it can do, I’m not going to talk about the downsides like I’m a high school Health Ed teacher, but I will apply what I’ve learned over the years to the context of this series.
ALCOHOL VS. NON-ALCOHOL SOCIALIZING
In my early 20’s when I first got a whiff of the seduction community I started increasing the frequency that I went out. I had a pretty good job and I was also living at home so I could afford it. Any night of the week I’d always find someone who shared a late class the next day and that meant it was all on for going out and partying. I did it, like everyone still does today, and like people have always done. The masses of people do the Friday and/or Saturday drinking thing. It’s cultural.
I’ll never forget the first time I went out sober, though.
It was usual routine to meet in a friend’s apartment who lived in the heart of the city. We would meet there, pre-game, go out, and come back and he had spare rooms and a bunch of us would crash there. He was an overseas student who had been sent away by his parents to study in a foreign university, but really all he did was sit at home playing video games all day, skipping 90% of classes, and waiting until the evening when someone he knew had finished class or finished work. It was the perfect party friend.
One night, however, for some reason I can’t actually recall, I was unable to get out until late. It was likely a family dinner or something were I wasn’t drinking since I knew I’d be driving to the city later. So when the celebrations ended, I jump in the car at what was probably between 12–1am and head to towards the city were my friend had been messaging me all night to get over to his house where he was throwing a big bash.
I get to his door and ring the bell, someone opens and I heard laughing and bantering in the background, I took off my shoes and caught a glimpse of people up and around the apartment mingling, but the majority of the action was happening around a table where there are a bunch of people playing Ring of Fire / Kings Cup.
I recall feeling bad, because everyone was drunk and having a good time, and I was worried that I wouldn’t be on their level. Even thinking about how I used to have such a strong crutch embarrassing to talk about at this point in my life.
Anyway, I was soon noticed, and called over to the table. There were about 4 guys and about 6 girls. I sat down, people said hello, a bit of small talk, took a shot or two and joined the game. It became immediately apparent that my friends, the guys, were hammered. They were slurring, they were saying stuff that wasn’t funny, but other people thought was funny. They were trying one some ‘bro-to-bro shit talking’ with me but it was just with zero wit or intelligence. I didn’t know how to respond.
I had drunk with these guys 100’s of times and never once thought “These guys aren’t funny at all” because I’d been on the same tip as them.
Still, the girls thought it was funny, so in this little bubble of people, they were still doing ok, but I, for some reason, was coming across as something different, to these women.
I was playing it cool, I was still dressed well, hair intact, I wasn’t slurring and I must’ve just been giving off a way cooler vibe than the drunk guys, and even the girls, who were also drunk and enjoying the other guys company were enjoying my company just that little bit more.
I think it was 15 minutes before a girl just straight up starting telling everyone she liked me which later led to her giving me a massage.
It was an eye-opening experience. Needless to say, I still wanted to get drunk, eventually did, and go no action that night.
However, the next day my clearest memories were naturally of when I was sober and had the girls reacting to me in that way. It’s what you might have heard referred to as a “Reference Experience.” This got me to experimentation mode, so for the next consecutive months, I started repeating what I had done that night. That meant not pre-gaming, but seeing where my friends were at say between 12 and 1:30 then going out.
This is probably where I hit and surpassed those first milestones in game. Approaching in bars, hooking, vibing well, kino, bouncing etc. I wasn’t having sex on the same night though much since I was still actually living at home.
To reflect on the story you can maybe already see a comparison between the two different stages in my life, and the cycle.
One was to get smashed, go out, use dutch courage to talk to girls, be too drunk to notice things and rarely pull. The other, to go out, cut out all that drinking that got me smashed, and socialize with a clear head, and improve exponentially weekend in weekend out.
But hey, I’m not a doctor or your mother here. I’m not telling you to stop drinking because it’s bad for your health or that it contributes to the death of 88,000 Americans a year.
It’s merely the results of what happened to me.
So, I am here to tell you, from first-hand experience, and from seeing it in not only other guys I know who are top level with women but also popular guys and teachers around the world, alcohol sucks for your improvement with social skills, and frankly the top guys either drink very moderately or they drink zero.
ANALYZING YOUR POTENTIAL
Let’s look at the Pros and Cons of two newbies, newbie one with alcohol as a crutch and newbie two, without.
Newbie one hits the club and starts hammering his gin and tonics until he is buzzed. He has let go of inhibitions and starts talking comfortably to people. He keeps his liver liquidated with more alcohol as he loses more and more coordination and attentiveness to detail. He will feel like he’s funnier, has a lot to say, and had pretty good game most of the night.
Newbie two hits the club, Doesn’t touch a drink. walks around awkwardly, makes several trips to the bathroom, if he’s with friends or see’s friends he will try to stick to them. If they are drunk he will feel a bit lame. Girls might talk to him, but he will often feel like they are way too high energy for him and he won’t be brave enough to just go for it.
Who would you rather be…?
Newbie one obviously right? He’s killing it!
Fast forward 4–6 weeks. Where do you think they will be? I know were both will be because I have been both, and not for weeks but for years at a time.
The simple answer is newbie one will maybe have expanded on his inner game since he’s into game and seduction, but he won’t be mindful enough to really apply it. At best he wakes up the next day and kind of knows were he failed, but doesnt remember the girls name and doesn’t remember enough other details to progress at his highest potential pace.
Newbie two remembers exactly who he talked to and what went wrong with each girl he met. There will be patterns and you will notice them too. For me, approaching was a big one, and then moving the interaction forward after initial chit chat and dealing with lul’s and silence and worrying about being boring. That was another hurdle for me.
As a tip, a thing that got me over that and what actually automatically seemed to solve a lot of those problems for me was just when I started dedicating time every day to reading. Read anything. I like none fiction but sprinkle fiction in here there. Guess what? Nobody reads. Famous books like How to make friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie? Nobody in the club has read that!
I will get into a full lesson on this later so I won’t say too much here. But, reading makes you smarter, and being smarter makes you more interesting and gives you more to say. The more you learn the more you earn, as they say. It’s not just to do with money I can tell you that.
Oh!? your friend is having this problem at work? Oh!? I read this about that? Oh!? you have an assignment on philosophy? I’ve been reading this about Seneca or Aristotle? You’re a fan of Kobe Bryant? Did you know in his biography he said this?
I love love love it when a girl says something and I get to riddle off some professional advice I’ve read on exactly what she’s talkingabout because the girl will always give you that “holy shit, who is this guy” look. It’s like she walks right into it.
But I digress…
Back to newbie 1 and newbie 2 though. Let’s fast forward even more to, say, 3 months in, 6 months, a year. Again, I’ve been both guys, and to put it bluntly…
In the end, Newbie two decimates newbie one.
Have you ever been out with a guy who doesn’t drink but has been involved in seduction for say longer than 6 months and is quite consistent? The ones I know, pull without trying EVERY TIME they go out. In fact, it’s not uncommon, at the end of the night to be thinking, “I have stuff to do tomorrow, do I really want to risk having a girl in my house who doesn’t leave or is weird?”
That’s right. After 6 months to a year, it won’t, be uncommon for newbie two, after socializing with a lot of people, purely because he likes it, to actively decide not to pull or to turn willing girls down because of other things he wants to do.
That’s the kind of conversation you will start having when you know you’re good. And you can start having conversations like that in months, not years. Maybe even weeks if you go intensive and pay attention.
I needed to throw this video in the series because, it’s been a big contributor to my personal growth with building relationships, not only that, but remember the cycle I mentioned in the beginning? If I’m not drinking, I’m not smoking and if I’m not smoking, im not killing my lungs and also killing other parts of my body from all the junkfood i eat the next day.
In financial terms you’d would call this a Negative ROI or return on investment. That’s what excessively spending money on drinking in a bar is. It’s negative ROI with your money, and your health and likely your time.
I like to do some work on weekends. When I think back of how I used to skip working on weekends. That’s 2 out of 7 days, or over a quarter of a week. overtime that’s a quarter of a year too hungover and lazy to do shit. Seriously think about that.
Seriously think about that.
If you don’t know what opportunity cost is I don’t know a better way to illustrate it. It is the cost of the thing you DON’T do, and the cost of a quarter years work is a quarter of a years $$ in my eyes.
If you find yourself in a similar loop to what I was in, I want you to move ahead with these actions. When you get home, alone, and with no cash in your wallet, and nothing to really show for your binge. Stop and think. What could I have done? What could I have spent that money on? How many of those weekends spending that money would it take to get me a holiday to some island somewhere or a place I’ve always wanted to go, or buy something I’ve always wanted.
Start internalizing the concepts of Opportunity Cost and ROI and thinking on these ideas with relation to your life and what you spend your money on doing.
You want a positive ROI on everything you do. It doesn’t always have to be about money either. Basically, the only way I know how to get a positive ROI out of going clubbing, is to build your social skills up actively. That means being aware and coherent. Still have a good time, but dedicate parts of your night to actually going up and approaching people. In fact, have a good time first. Don’t be that goggle eye’d newbie PUA in the bar that stands out like a sore thumb, but do find a balance. Hell, have a drink if you want. I still do, but it’s not what I’m there for,is the difference.
If you do want to get hammered, which can be fun, make sure you have all your best friends there and go do it. BUT, Treat it like aspecial event you will do for self-amusement, sometimes, not as a crutch. It is fun, and I still do it from time to time, and I still notice every time that I will actually talk to fewer people, and spend more time bantering drunken garbage with my friends. It’s funny how that is like a hard and fast rule.
I’d like to hear your thoughts on this? Where are you at with your dependency on alcohol? You might not be in the danger zone but what kind of cognitive attachments do you think you are experiencing? How are you going to overcome them, and move forward?
The Reward bias of the brain says we respond best to rewards, so if you manage not spend money on drinking this month, and you notice a big chunk of money in your bank account at the end of the month, why not go spend it on something?
The real motivation comes when you actually see that chunk, and then you think “Have I been doing this for x amount of years?” But, don’t get down on yourself. It’s water under the bridge. You never know how your life would or wouldn’t have turned out so there’s no use speculating on hypotheticals.
It’s about how you move forward from now that matters.
See you on the next one!