SOCIAL SAVVY #17: REDUCING REJECTIONS WITH THE POWER OF INTENTION AND KNOWING YOUR LANE

Greetings everyone,

So I finished off the last episode with a drill to help you get your feet wet in overcoming what I think is the most difficult sticking point. The Approach. Now, I want to add another spin on how you should think of approaching.

So while the last unit was mostly about understanding what rejection is and how you can ease the pressure on yourself and get over that hurdle in your mind, or rid yourself of that fear through understanding certain things, and also drills you can use to practically kill that fear in your brain so you realize approaching can, in fact, be made easy, aside from that, we now want to go into the YOU aspect of approaching, and now that you feel at ease, how you actually go about doing it.

So from here going forward, we are going to move into “approaching” in a linear fashion starting from the actual opening to having a conversation, mid-conversation, and so on.

KNOWING YOUR LANE (DEMOGRAPHICS)

The first thing I want you to think about, which I mentioned at the end of the last video, is what kind of girls are you approaching. This is going to decrease your rejection rate a lot. I figured out this concept the hard way when I was at a club with some friends. I was dressed a bit on the preppy side I suppose and one of my friends suggested we go to this club across town. We had been in the mainstream clubbing district and were we were going was a kind of an underground dance club, like alternative styles of EDM, except it was weird in the sense that the general crowd mostly wore black. It was like a skater/hipster/emo mashup, except people weren’t necessarily younger. The point is, I wasn’t dressed like them or part of that scene, clearly.

So I go in and the dance floor is just people kinda swaying to this music. No girls or guys are dancing together. A lot of people were also just standing around. I approached a girl and say hi. She looked at me head to toe and walked off. It was like I’d spilled manure down my shirt or something or I was in a full baby outfit. This went on about 4–5 more times. I wasn’t even getting beyond an open.

The craziest part is when the club closed, outside were about 25–30 skateboarders just sitting on the ground outside this bar. We came up the stairs, stood at the side of the road and one of the skaters was like “Look at this motherfucker here”. Thinking back, it cracks me up. We were already half way across the street, and I didn’t really turn around as I could hear him saying “No no who is this fucker here” and his friends saying “stop it dude, they’re already crossing the road. Leave it”

Wow

Kind of an extreme case but I learned something valuable. That is, the idea of Demographics, or looking for women in the samedemographic as YOU in order to lower your rejection rate. That means, don’t expect to get emo/goth girls while in a suit, or the girls in the hip-hop club dressed like revenge of the nerds. With demographics, you’re thinking about everything from sub-cultures, dress sense and even age to a point. Often its a combination of all those things. I got zero feedback even the other night at a club that had a performance after party and was full of street dancers, which I used to be a part of. But the way I was dressed that night, and the fact that I wasn’t in with them jamming out, I just came off as an outsider for the most part.

Real dancers you’ll find aren’t in clubs to drink. They already have their dancer buzz on getting wild with all their dancer friends. I was screwed from the get go, call it demographics or logistics, but know your lane and stay in it if you want to decrease rejection.

So now you’ve got a girl lined up, you aren’t feeling pressured because you know that the girls who aren’t interested aren’t your problem, and girls who are rude aren’t your problem, so all you’re thinking now is to go and say hi to someone and everything is fine.

Fear of rejection is a thing of the past.

YOUR APPROACH MINDSET

Now for the KEY thing that you need in your approach. What it is that is going to be the foundation of your approach, the thing that is going to make everything you say come out right, from your speech to your body language to the way you escalate.

That’s right. If you fix THIS, everything else is going to come through naturally.

And that thing is, *drum roll*

INTENTION

What do I mean by that? Well, with any person you approach and talk to, you need to be transparent as to why you are approaching. If you’ve moved to a new town and you want to approach people to make friends, that’s how you approach. If you approach a girl you find beautiful and who you want to date, you don’t approach her like you want to be friends. You approach and quickly gauge her interest aka polarize her.

You need to be transparent and clear. This is why this style of approach beats lines every time. The line isn’t important if the girl isn’t feeling your intentions.

Some people say be transparent, you may have also heard the term congruence. That means your intentions need to be congruent with your words and your actions. If they aren’t aligned it will seriously mess you up.

Another thing to think about, while you are showing honest intention is you want to avoid a needy ir value-taking mentality. Figure out what your purpose is when you go out. Why are you out tonight? Why are you approaching the girl? Is it because you are needy and need validation or because you want to have a good time, and meet people and connect?

A lot of guys are like this in bars. You’ve seen them. The guy buying the drink to impress a group of girls, the guy latching on to girls who have already blown him out, or the guy who is approaching because his friends are watching. They’re not comfortable in their own skin or strong in their own frame, so they are going to try and take value or express a needy intention to whatever girl they talk to.

They are basically saying. “I need you to make my life better,” and that isn’t attractive.

The second kind of guy I sometimes see is the guy who may have read pickup theory, but like 10 years ago. It could be just me who tends to see this a lot but it’s the guy who throws out negs that are painfully cheesy and obvious, or they neg girls and then have this dumb look on their face as they wait for the response or just any comment or reaction from the girl. Often with an expression saying, “was that funny? Was that a good one? Did I do a good job with my humor?” or similar kind of vibe.This is not game. It’s neediness. You are trying to make her laugh in order for yourself to feel good.

This is not game. It’s neediness. Why?

Why?

Because they are trying to make people laugh in order for themselves to feel good.

Wrong wrong wrong!

It’s similar to the guy who brags a lot. He’s bragging because he needs validation. It’s like whenever he tells a story he’s waiting for the judges to hold up 10's.

This is why intentions is your base foundation. You could tell the same story with a bragging, validation seeking intention and then tell it with a genuine sharing intention and both stories, despite having the same content, would come off totally different.

Negging or teasing a girl with a genuine fun’ness is going to come off completely different as well.

Sharing yourself is good as it shows transparency and vulnerability which people like and people trust. Bragging and such is needy and shows you aren’t getting validation from within and are there for taking value from people, which is lame.

This relates back to our fundamentals and that’s how you know it to be true. Remeber that women watch your behaviour more than your looks, and they read your intentions more than what you say.

Congruency is another thing you need to think of.

Congruency between what you’re thinking and how you’re behaving. Women are intuitive and they will pick up on a lack of congruency very, very quickly.

If you are out in a club and horny and looking for action, you obviously need some tact, but also don’t talk to girls about what they study, or do for a job etc. I don’t get why guys do this. I have a friend who is quite forward in clubs. He doesn’t go out much, but when he does it’s because he’s got the itch to go and look for something to take home.

He has a brilliant line that he manages to pull off a lot. So he usually approaches very direct, is very flirty and quite high energy, and often girls will try to bring him down, ask were he’s from and start asking for boring life facts about him, then if they end up talking you can just see him switch off. People comment on it all the time and it’s hilarious. Its something I find unique to him with his facial expression, and more often than not he will say something like “Sorry I’m totally not even listening.. I have like a 20 second attention window and then my systems just shut down.”

He doesn’t pull a lot of women, but when he is on fire he’s really on fire. His overall game is weak, but his intentions are always inline, and it’s often more than enough.

Thats how powerful congruency and intentions are.

The way he drops that line, it comes off as sincere, its a well timed neg because he’s brilliant at the delivery. Probably because he’s complately serious. He genuinely doesn’t want to have quote-unquote “normal conversations” with girls he’s just met.

Now I’m not saying go out and in the middle of conversations tell a girl you aren’t even listening. But I am telling you to do that if you really feel it, and you genuinely think that in that moment it might come off as funny and you deliver it with full sincerity.

The point again is just being transparent in your intentions. Don’t waste yours and other peoples time. Be congruent to avoid being creepy, but if you are coming off as creepy to some girls, its ok. Creepy is way over-rated as being a bad thing. Unless you are ALWAYS being called creepy, in which case think about why thats happening.

1–2 girls calling you creepy though. So what?!

I always tell people “Never try to sneak your way into sex”. To me, thats more creepy.

I actually have a friend who loves doing the creeper face and will blow it right out of proportion when in a bar. It turns women and even myself into fits of hysteria. You can develop unique things that you do, like I’ve talked about with people I know.

This episode and the last episode I want you to think about as like Pre-Approach game. Kill fear, and get your mind right with your intentions and your transpareny. This is going to make people trust you and feel comfortable with you.

We’ll continue to move forward in small segments like we have been. We have now finished on our outer-outer game, talking about taking care of your naked body, we talked about putting the right clothes on, we talked about how you carry yourself when you are outside and now we are outside in a social place and are ready to go. We have eliminated fear and now we are thinking about our intentions and figuring out what we want and how we are going to be transparent with this.

This is why I say pre-approach.

In the next episode we move forward to the next step, the open and the initial conversation. This is where the fun starts, so look forward to that!

See you then.